Sunday, October 24, 2010
Chapter 116:
at 21:41
Today was supposed to be a happy day.
I was supposed to be peacefully studying with people I love dearly, namely Pat, NguanHan, Brian, and a rare guest - Nicholas.
& an untimely bomb came.
I was really glad initially. Really, immensely gratified.
Recall this: I asked for a closure.
I ASKED FOR IT.
I thought it came, in pretty wrappings though I still panicked since it's been so long since we talked.
I'm not trying to be a bitch here.
I appreciate that you took the initiative.
I blame myself for being so hopeful and sincere about the entire event.
I hate myself for believing that this time round, I'll finally get my closure, even back to friends with you.
What made me think that it didn't happened for the past how many times, it will this time?
Why did I bear hope?
Why?
Why, when it comes down to you, I always feels such a myriad of emotions - resentment, hopefulness, guilt, foolishness, so much, so much.
Why, must I cry over and over again for you?
Did you even know how I exited the room just to go to a secluded staircase, to tear for more than 3 of your smses.
Bet you didn't know you had that kind of hold over me.
I didn't too.
Even if a part of me think that you may not be sincere, a part of me still wary, I still cry.
For just joy of you trying, despair for the rocky past, and the missed future.
You're not even my boyfriend, just a girl whom I keep not letting go.
Despite always having been the party that was given up unceremoniously.
When will I ever learn?
I fear, that I will be trapped in unhealthy relationships again.
I'm very scared.
What if I meet an emotionally abusive boyfriend next time?
Will I love myself more than I love him to extricate myself out?
Will I be able to surprise myself by doing what I was unable to do with you?
My life have many wonderful people, who never fail to be there for me.
But, why must I be so vulnerable to one person?
I'm not implying that you're extremely manipulative, while I'm victimised terribly.
It's just after so much effort, I can't let go.
I keep asking myself, what did I lack?
Why must I be given up again and again?
In what way is she better than me as a friend? What have I not done?
Because I don't appear sweet and gentle?
Because I look cooler than other people?
Or because I can't get you where you wanted? - ie I expanded my purpose in your life.
Which if you didn't forget, served rather many purposes which a ordinary friend is not expected to complete at all.
Was it that?
If there was a timeline, it's really hard not to think that I'm just a mere stepping stone to get you wherever you wanted, and tossed aside not so glamorously.
You say you're sorry, you say you've changed.
But, when have you not said that?
I detest it when I become so paranoid and wary.
& I feel so dumb for placing myself in this position where I keep meeting you by chances, and there's really no way I can erase you from my life, nor prevent you from entering again.
Because, I made so many choice to intertwined our life.
Not for myself.
For your interests.
If you even recall I was the one who persuaded you to come to HwaChong, to not regret in future.
& I was the one who adviced you on the CCA to go to, because I do not want you to end up as a mere substitute on a sports team.
But when I needed someone, you were not there.
Instead, you became something I get so perplexed over.
.
You told me you felt that I treat T better than you.
Please try to recall that quite some time ago, we were best friends.
& I prioritised you over anyone.
Please recall that when we entered Hwach, I placed you top.
Must I stoop so low to bicker over who gave up on who first?
.
I'm very tired.
It never fail to drain me.
You told me you had faith that I could do well.
I should study.
Little did you know I couldn't concentrate even after our conversation ended.
Ultimately, I didn't get any closure.
All I get was demons from past re-lived.
I tried so hard to stamp them down.
Just a couple of messages exchanged.
& all hell broke loose.
I gave people I love slight attitude after lunch because I couldn't tamp down the turmoils of emotions I was experiencing, and stalked off after seeing them make a big fuss out of the rain.
& partly, I thought walking in that drizzle could clear my head.
.
I sucked at managing my emotions.
And maybe it's complexed with pms.
I just hate it when I lose control of my own head.
I disliked how having lived to almost 18 (yes lu, I know I'm not yet 18, lol), I still resort to crying to get stress out of my system.
How there's so little outlet for me when immense stress gets to me.
How I can't just shut the feelings off.
.
Through this whole incident, I didn't get answers I want.
You leave me with one additional question.
What was the sole driving force in approaching me?
To mend things, as you claim, or because of the dear little friend of yours whom I have recently mentioned?
.
& through this all, when you claimed I spread tales about you.
Elaborate.
I reserved criticisms about you, aside to people I totally trust.
Tell me.
At least I know whether I'm maligned, or simply because there are people I can't trust.
Or maybe what you heard was just unglamorous past you tried so hard to escape.
I know what to say and what know to.
(& how vague I can sound here, about incidents that happened)
We have so many common friends, if defamation was my motto, I wouldn't have kept my mouth tight for so long.
.
Grah, I'm starting to get defensive and incoherent.
To higher powers, especially the particular one which I have an inclination to, bless me to have determination and serenity to get pass this broken friendship.
.
Do you know, I even wish that you will achieve your full potential, and get a scholarship to pursue a wonderful education abroad?
Because I thought it was the best solution to leave both of us with some gap.
Despite all said, that was WHAT I WISHED FOR.
& how, at this very minute, you're still on the darlings list on my msn.
I'm just dumb.
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