Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Chapter 229:
at 17:29
Taking a break from doing endless admin work & felt like typing some thoughts down.
For those who coincidentally find that you need some additional strength in life.
Dearest P, mainly for you.
Strength doesn't come when you don't even tell yourself you need it. It doesn't come naturally, it's against our nature. Unless you're a masochist, we usually like to go with the flow and not push ourselves to our boundaries.
But remember, it does come when you really need it.
We whine/sulk/moan over trivialities which somehow seemed severe at that point in time - injuries, academic setback, lost friendships. Yet, when a major shock do slam into you, you find it still possible to go through life. It may not be as pretty and smooth-sailing as you want it to be, but you do live it.
The day I dreaded since young, the thought which will cause me to cry myself to sleep happened much too early. But guess what, even if I felt that it's a bad dream that I'll awake from any time, life has gone on. No one will wait for me to pick myself up, cars don't stay stationary & lives of others proceed on. The world doesn't crash, & the Earth still rotate.
So to me, it's not merely a choice to be strong, it's a must.
Frankly speaking, I do admit that shit happens to everyone & we all don't like it, regardless of whether it causes our lives to simply tremble or 'cause a massive Earthquake at the rating of 9 on Richter Scale. I don't judge your problems, nor will I say it's insignificant 'cause until we meet the next biggest problem, the current one will still remain the most severe. This I allow you.
However, what I condemn is wavering mindsets, the lack of the courage to pull yourself together and be strong. Why allow yourself to wallow in self-pity? If you keep thinking you're weak, you'll never be able to be strong.
To people who once told me I never understood pain & grief, never know how hard it is to be strong, I (& my siblings) hereby prove you wrong & therefore substantiate the point that people are able to be strong, even if their skies come crashing down.
It all boils to one word - Attitude.
A cliche poster, but really, it hits the nail on the head.
I find that if NOT given a choice, we take any news in our stride 'cause guess what, you have no other option aside from taking in the news.
So stop pondering about the 'what-ifs' & 'what-have-nots' & just remained firm in your decision. By traveling 50 m up & down, up & down repeatedly, you're still stuck at the same spot. In other words, you achieved nothing but to sink in deeper by setting a pattern.
This is of course, in the situation whereby you are given a choice, which unfortunately, I am not.
.
Someone I hold dear, admire a lot & had always been my pillar of support took an abrupt absence from my life 21 days ago. I don't have a say in it. I can't call him again to hear his voice, nor will I see him again. If given a choice, I want to. I would want a last hug, a last word, & my first 'I love you' to him. But you know what? I can't.
I would love to say "have always been my pillar of support" but I can't too.
I would want him to witness my achievements, my happiness & perhaps my wedding, but again, I don't have a say.
Till now, I'm still standing tall, as like everyone else involved, albeit wanting to hide in a corner to cry my lungs out at times.
.
You can be strong, if you let yourself be.
Things don't always go your way, you can't control that.
What you can control though, is your own mindset & take on life.
Take pride & joy in that, & be someone you'll respect.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Chapter 228:
at 22:48
Why do some people just want to choose to remain unhappy?
I don't understand.
You're given 2 paths, one to smile, the other to go round endlessly blaming & blaming & blaming. Why do you choose the latter & make everyone as miserable as you?
True, everyone of us get suck into such vicious cycle some time or another, but why don't you force yourself to buck up after a few months? Why obligingly allow yourself to get stuck & pull others along with you?
You are bitter, handle it. Why poison everyone else around you?
You have issues, settle it. Why involved others in it when it's complex enough?
WHY?
.
I am so tired of negative energy that keeps swirling around my friends & I.
I don't want resentment, don't want anger, don't want sadness, don't want bitterness, don't want depression, don't want craziness.
I don't want any of these.
Most of all, I don't want having you around telling me how angry you are with him, how bitter you feel. I forgive you for not being my pillar of support when you're vulnerable, but don't pull me down to grovel when I'm trying to stand tall.
Don't feed me with any more negative energy 'cause I fear to crack.
Don't.
.
Parents make or break you. It's true.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Chapter 227:
at 21:41
You know how something major happens out of the blue that you can't get it into the system till 24 hours later?
If it's something joyous, it's great. But what if it ain't?
What if it's something you have to live with (or rather, without) for the rest of your life?
What if it makes you feel so alone, standing on a stranded island?
It's really not okay. I try so hard to be, but after 10 days of normalcy, I feel so empty. Feel so empty laughing with people, cheering people on (for ns, for relationships or whatever) when I can't even tell myself it'll be fine.
It's ludicrous, but I feel like screaming at myself when I make jokes, when I laugh. I feel guilty for doing enjoyable things because I just don't think I deserve to do it. I feel guilty for not crying, yet I don't want to cry.
I feel nervous that I just accepted the university course knowing you won't be there on graduation day.
Even if I tell myself shit happens to the tougher people, I want to push this responsibility away. I want my sheltered life, I want to stop making myself count every single blessings to be optimistic 'cause it just isn't so.
I miss you so much & yet there's nothing I can do. Really nothing at all. Newer Posts
