(:

Chapter 258:

2012-01-09T22:08:00.003+08:00

You make me ~~happy~~ happier. ('cause I believe I am able to make myself happy.)
But, I'm scared of becoming irrational, & scared of everything else, basically.
& I lack so much faith and belief.

Chapter 256:

2011-11-24T22:09:00.003+08:00

Think girls always have a tendency to get carried away by feelings.
And I just wanna remind self to not be someone weak and be like this.

Never give benefit of doubt to people you are unsure of.
Only do so because you know them and their positive feelings towards you, because they deserve it.
Not because you would love for them do such a thing, not because you want them to deserve it.

By doing so, the person victimized is only yourself, cause you builds so much hope and expectation on air.
& if they crash and you get hurt, you have no one else to blame but yourself for being so foolish.

.

That aside, I find striking a balance difficulty. How to maintain neutral ground or to be in a desirable middle stage when life and one's feelings are so complex?

.

Stop when you still have a clear head & is still rational. Don't play w fire & see when you'll fall head over heels without any qualms.

Chapter 255:

2011-11-22T18:25:00.002+08:00

I should be studying BizLaw.

But aye, just have some thoughts & reminders I hope I'll remember in the future so here I am.
(My blog suddenly sees an influx of posts by me; this always happens when it's the exam/studying period. Search me, maybe the brain's just more intellectually stimulated.)

Today's Qi's birthday & Ruzz and I planned a surprise for her!
It went well & she's pleased.
Also made a card for Joson since it's his 21st birthday tomorrow.

Suddenly realised that as I grow older, birthdays somehow evolved into something people attend, & also buy presents/treats you to dinners.
We somehow get lazier w efforts.

But today, seeing Qi & Joson pleased w the effort, I just got reminded of the importance of small gestures.

& that this applies to everyday life.

What's so troublesome about bringing a smile to someone else's face? & really, I think by doing so, one becomes happier too, seeing that smile you worked for.

Since I always felt that life = happiness/bring happiness, I should be motivated to do small acts hur.

*note to self*

.

These few days, even though I thought of d more often than when swamped with work, I also spent more time with my family. & I feel so loved & blessed.

Chapter 254:

2011-11-20T21:36:00.006+08:00

Someone asked me on my views towards euthanasia today.

I thought of d (tho the issue is hugely irrelevant), & I choked. I replied that it's fine because the family, who loves the person, should be able to be given the right to say yes/no.
& all I thought about was how one would be unhappy, being trapped in a shell that just wouldn't move & that a person who's pro-active and spontaneous in living would literally rather die than be in such a state.

& I remembered that I had some thoughts on euthanasia a few months ago. Rummaged through tumblr & found this:

& now I know why euthanasia should not be legalised.
How about you didn’t mean to die?
How about it was a wrong decision which you realise 1 second before?

How about the mere reason - you wanted to live.

.

What differing viewpoints. And both came from me.
Surprising hur.

(Goes to show how controversial this issue is since I can't even have a consistent view myself)

And the thing is, I'm not being contradicting 'cause the reasons cited was so different.

& that's how scary human is.
We presume we are doing what is best for someone when in fact, are we even privy to the deepest thoughts one has?

.

I wanted to tell my friend about d after answering this question.
& I was kinda glad 'cause it would be the first uni soul to know.
'cause I never seem to be able to have the courage to say it, or the courage to ruin an atmosphere.

I was determined tt it's time, & then the moment passed.

.

Chapter 253:

2011-11-19T22:49:00.006+08:00

I started school feeling very apprehensive about friends & the friendships made/will be formed.I remember I kept questioning RuYi/Kristie, how well do new friends know me, & vice versa.

Coming to 19 years, I just kept thinking how could they say they know me when they missed out on so much. & to not have experienced anything with me.

I admit, I was biased. Having been through a rough patch, I couldn't understand how they could say they "know me" when I even deliberately commit sin of omission 'cause it just wasn't time to let it out, & that it would just make things awkward.

And this just struck me in the head:

It does not matter how much of my past they do not know. Any past event that would have mattered would already have been internalised into me, & as long as they do know me, it doesn't really matter, does it?

They may have never seen/heard me wept, but incidents which I wept over taught me lessons that became guiding principles of my life, and essentially who I am.

& perhaps, I should just stop over-thinking things. HAHAHAHA.

But anyway, conclusion: As long as they are true to you, it's fine.

As contrast to "friends" who only use you when they see the need, it's doesn't seem to matter very much, aye?

And I think I should promise myself to not let myself be used again.
But sometimes, I wish I could just tell them, don't come looking for me when you need my help, 'cause you know what? Once I see you as a friend, not a mere acquaintant, I find it extremely hard to say no. & why do you have to abuse this right then?

.

Chapter 252:

2011-11-09T10:22:00.002+08:00

I dreamt of D, and was so happy that I just went with the flow. Life appeared normal and happy.

& suddenly, I ask him, "Am I dreaming?", with a mildly anxious tone.

He laughed, and said, "Of course you are," lightheartedly.

After a while, iphone woke me up.

Chapter 251:

2011-10-16T11:41:00.005+08:00

Life overwhelms me.

Just thought that I can relate very well to the analogy of life to a juggling act.
I recall it being that family, love, studies, etc are all balls that one juggles through his/her life. But, the trick is that certain balls you hold in your hand are glass - once dropped, they'll shatter.

And that's how I feel like now.

I think I'm fine as a student, and I think it's the first time in my life I was ever so committed to studying and doing my work. I think I'm a great project mate who gets things done. (It's a fact.)

Sadly, I think I fail as a daughter/sister. I face so much inertia at doing things which I should be when I'm in my comfort zone - home.
Somehow, there's a never-ending list of responsibilities but I can never get started on them.

I make promises every week that I'll start next week but somehow I never did.

I made promises after that incident, and I kept it, for months, till school started.

Maybe I just suck so badly at managing roles and commitments in life. Ugh.

Sigh, how I wish there's a ctrl+r function in life.
& since there aren't any, I just have to better myself as a working system so that I can work smoothly in all aspect.

I am still lacking.
And things that don't get done are solely, my responsibility and hence my fault.

Hokay, time to start work for the day. Marhhhhh.

Chapter 250:

2011-10-12T19:24:00.000+08:00

I need to be happier.
I think.

But how?

Chapter 249:

2011-10-10T00:41:00.003+08:00

A little bird told me this story today:

A man and lady was married 27 years ago. This man had never shopped for his shirts 'cause his lady helped him buy 2-3 shirt every year, without fail. She knows his size and preferred brand and never once did she stopped.

It became their habit, she buys and he wears. No complaints from either party.

A few months ago, the man passed away. The lady was devastated, and till now, is still in grief. But of course, being the strong woman she is, she carried on with life, being strong for kids and her kids being strong for her.

A few days ago, she went to take a walk around town herself, a break from the daily routine of her life. Instead of going to the departmental store she was used to, which had the men's section on another level, she went to another branch.

To her dismay, the men's section of this branch was right in front of her once she stepped in. Looking at the array of men's clothes, and how she used to buy it for her man, and how she couldn't anymore, she teared up right there in the department store.

27 years. That's a really long time, isn't it?
Long enough for habits to form, but still too short when it's measured in terms of life.

.

Funny how grief just sneaks up upon you, catching you unaware.

Chapter 248:

2011-10-09T12:56:00.003+08:00

I wanted to send an sms to a friend.
And the iPhone just automatically found your name 'cause of my typo.
It appeared on the top of my list.

& a wave of sadness just wash over me anew.

I still rmb the other time when your name appeared on my phone as an incoming call.
Staring in shock for 2 seconds, to realise it's just someone else using your phone to call me.

& once again, tears just stream down while I sat there alone, thinking of you.

d, imy.
(I feel like crying again now.)

Chapter 247:

2011-10-03T19:50:00.005+08:00

Yesterday, I finished Silent Boy by Torey Hayden.
It was my second time reading but the first read was quite few years back.
It somehow didn't left such an impact on me the other time round.

I cried after finishing the book. Didn't exactly know why.
It just somehow touched me immensely.

Maybe gaining a few years of age gave wisdom and experiences that I no longer see things at such surface value.

I had always been intrigued by abuse and special education.
I have read dozens of books on abuse, autism and special Ed.

But suddenly ytd, the abuse depicted on the book and how he stepped out of it just touched me so much.

Just made me realise how parents really do impact their children.
And how blessed my childhood was to have wonderful role models.

And the complexity of the issue just made me cry.

It also make me question why didn't I read psychology/sociology,
Why didn't I want to try to help these children?
Why did working at Eden discourage me from working as a specal ed teacher?
Why did money eventually work its way into the equation and make me choose the pragmatic route in life?
And after all this - what's the purpose in life if not to help others?

Chapter 246:

2011-09-21T23:34:00.002+08:00

Sigh. I'm guilty for being impatient w mommy over the phone just now.

I don't like being maligned. & I detest it especially when she "interrogate" me as though the reason for me coming home late is 'cause I am playing too much.
Yes, I "deliberately" stay out late 'cause school of course don't end so late.

Purpose: Studying.

Entirely valid, to me.

.

But when I reach home to see nicely made taupok just feel so immensely touched.
& hence guilty.

.

Don't understand why I am so irrational.

Writing them down just make me think that there are actually 2 separate issues and hence my guilt is not justified.

However, such rationalization does not appears to have any effect on the guilt.

Chapter 245:

2011-09-18T11:01:00.007+08:00

Yesterday, woke up at ~ 8pm after a super long afternoon nap to see my 2 sisters drinking red wine in the kitchen. Had dinner & joined them.

We talked till about 1030 pm, and somehow, all 3 of us just ended up tearing up towards the end when we spoke of what had happened and how much we missed him.
We tried to recall the last photo taken, the next expected photo which would never come true.

While I can't stop the bouts of sadness that hit me unexpectedly, I am still rather zen about the entire episode. I am past the point where I kept blaming myself for not being engulfed in depression every single waking minute, fearing that I love him too little. But I guess it's just my optimistic nature and take in life.

I don't know when was the point in time when we started dismissing the idea of death. I remember I use to cry myself to sleep when I was young, fearing that death will rob me of anyone close to me. I was frightened that I will wake up one day and find someone missing. Morbid, I know but I find that a rational fear.

And somehow, we lost this fear when we are growing up, along with our naivety and innocence. Did we somehow thought the we could triumph over life/death? So silly of us.

Now, I just see it as another moment in life for me to gain insights and learn new things. We learn through joy, but most importantly, we better ourselves through moments of despair and utmost sadness.

& that's what I'll hold dear to me.

You enriched my life, even at the very last moment.

Life, to me, is not about ideal outcomes that you want. It's about adapting your mindsets to whatever shit life throws at you and making the best out of each.

.

At the end of the day, through it all, I still want to say, I feel very blessed.

Chapter 244:

2011-09-01T02:41:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, when I get so tired & stressed out from life, I don't know is it me being over-cynical of life and its circumstances or is it truly sucky.

Suddenly feel like everybody is so busy for everyone, even the ones which should be important in your life.
Feel so tired looking on at the practical and superficial reasons people base friendships on.
& I miss the true and innocent friendships that once surrounded me, the effortless laughter and conversations we shared.

I just want a simple life, uncomplicated friends who love me for who I am.
I don't want to feel the urge to fit in, don't want to feel like a jigsaw puzzle which just can't fit in.
Or trying to mould myself so that I can fit the shape.

Sometimes, I feel under-appreciated. Sometimes I feel as though it's a must to fit the societal expectations of cool & pretty.

But really, why should I do so?
Why can't I just be myself?

"I am beautiful in my own way."

But sometimes, when I do feel self-conscious, feel down and out, I just need someone to reassure me that I'm fine this way.
I'm fine not being the most demure.
Fine not being the prettiest.
Fine not being the thinnest.
Fine not being the smartest.

Fine just being me, myself & I.

Actually, I never felt the inclination to be the prettiest, to be the nicest, to be the smartest, etc.
The key is whether I am pretty, nice and smart enough, no?

Chapter 243:

2011-08-20T01:55:00.003+08:00

Was having a short conversation with my brother about the CCAs I joined and I mentioned the one which advocates business with a heart.

Basically this CCA encourages its members to generate business projects that are socially-driven and not profit-driven. They give back to society by perhaps charging a nominal sum of money while providing aid to needy groups/to improved the environment.

My bro indignantly told me: It's retarded.

Why?

He just insisted that businesses are meant to earn money, and that trying to change the nature of it is just plain and downright foolish.
Is that true?

I don't agree. I concur with the objective and the sense of mission thus I signed up.

I don't believe ALL business can be socially-driven 'cause it's just not efficient. However, I'm certain that the world and life don't operate on certainties and extremities.

So why can't some businesses be socially-driven?
Why can't some projects be aimed at improving lives of people while still involving a transaction?
Why can't we give these projects benefits of doubt before condemning them if it means that some lives can be improved?

Maybe that's why I don't foresee myself being an accountant for life.
I can definitely predict that I'll be jaded after some years and just be aimlessly leading life 'cause this is just not what I see in life.

I don't believe money and profit is everything.
I don't trust that money can buy you happiness.

Indeed, poverty can't do that too but why reach for so, so, so much more when you actually do have enough already? Take a look around, there are still so many people less fortunate so why can't we reach out to them?

& since we all aren't that rich that we can be full-time volunteers or settle for the meager salaries that social workers are paid (believe me, I thought of this career option) so why can't we strike a balance and put what we have learn into good use & give back to the community?

Sure, I do not know that such projects will definitely work and prove to be sustainable, but which business venture is 100% successful? None right? But why is it that people are justified to try if it is profit-driven?

All I want to see is such efforts not be scoffed at/brushed off 'cause if you haven't been there & tried it, who are you to just shoot it off?

.

No worries, I love my bro & he is not heartless. His main point was just that business = profit, and that he'll just use some of it to do charity work.

But really, what's stopping you from merging the 2 together?
Is there a definite contradiction?

I don't think so.

There will be opportunity costs incurred but why can't we just operate on the point in which the monetary losses is equivalent to the societal gains?
This is what we have learnt in economics, isn't it?

So really, what is stopping us from doing business w a heart?

Chapter 242:

2011-08-19T00:09:00.004+08:00

D, it's the 100th day.

Are you happy wherever you are now?
Are you hearing and seeing me?

What happens now and what goes from here?

Filled with so many questions that I just don't want to think about them but not thinking of them makes me feel un-filial.

Somebody, tell me what to do, what to think and what to feel.

Chapter 241:

2011-08-14T20:09:00.004+08:00

Life's really fragile.
I just heard news that one of my aunt who always appeared hearty had congested blood vessel and almost had a heart attack. Fortunately my cousins sensed something amiss and sent her to the hospital.

Can't bear to think of the consequences man.

Cherish people, ok?

The irony is that even I am not doing it so why the hell am I advocating it? Search me.

I always vow to become better, 'cause what if there's no more chance for me to show her my appreciation. But I always feel so discouraged and unmotivated after shit happens. What to do?

.

& can somebody just bring me to watch a sappy movie to get my tears out?
I feel constipated with tears.

.

This struck a chord with me 'cause I'll never sing of love if it doesn't exist.

.

D, just to call you one more time. To see you one more time. To hear you one more time.
Somehow, recently, things keep reminding me of you.

Chapter 240:

2011-08-11T19:54:00.002+08:00

Suddenly awash with the sensation of missing D terribly.
So much so that I walked home crying.

I think recently I just havent been thinking much about D, trying hard to just get used to things as it is.
But just now I chanced upon photos of him & I just couldn't help feeling immensely sad on the way home.

Can't believe how a few months change so much things.

Chapter 239:

2011-08-06T23:37:00.001+08:00

Feel like I need a good cry. Perhaps I should go and watch a sappy movie.

Or maybe it's just PMS.

Just feel unhappy that I'm feeling unhappy. :(

Chapter 238:

2011-08-06T23:04:00.006+08:00

Feeling very over-stretched these few days in terms of time. Just feel so packed everyday that days passed by with events lined up day after day. & after all this, I just need a breather - some time alone. *takes deep breaths*

I was just thinking how people all seem so warm and friendly initially. I mean, sure, there are the few whom you know right from the start that they don't share the frequency as you. But how about all the rest? I guess only time will show the true colours of people.

I was actually lamenting to my SMUX camp mates how we seem to know each other, but we don't exactly know. I do mean it.

I mean, what we all see on the surface is what others allow us to see right? Sure, some people just don't cover their tracks as well, but I'm sure all of us attempts to be on our best behaviours and attitudes.

It's like, come on, none of them even know what happened to me in my past 19 years, the events which shaped my life and the friends I hold so very dear. They don't understand how deeply I hold my principles and how mean I can get. Right?

Basically, I just find making superficial hi-bye friends retarded. These people can actually disappear from my life, no? But I guess it's meeting ALL these people before you truly find the ones whom you really like and enjoy their company.

I guess I just feel overwhelmed after having so much human interaction and seeing/sensing little gestures which I dislike immensely.

.

I absolutely find these actions distasteful:

People being overly clique-ish; it irks the hell out of me. You are going to a camp to make friends, not to act popular/exclusive. Get a life.

As I mention earlier, different people have different frequency and we enjoy different types of company. But you know, once someone deliberately tries to exclude others, it's just downright rude and mean.

Yes, it's an extremely undefined line, but I guess it's just the intention behind actions that makes me so irritated. It's sensitive 'cause I believe my canoe team used to have this problem.

It's not being unable to fit in that's the problem, it's FEELING that they refuses to let you in that suck.

& the most loser-ish part is that it's their insecurity that no one will stick by them that cause them to grab on so tight to people and refuse to let others in. & the simple fact that they enjoy the feeling of being exclusive.

And I hate it. Period.

& I really find superficiality offensive.

Yes, the world is a myriad of abilities all dispersed through humanity. Smart vs Stupid, Pretty vs Ugly, Rich vs Poor. But why can't we just simply acknowledge what is lain on the surface and see right pass through it?

Why should looks keep mattering? (I am not trying to be a sour grape, you can think otherwise.)

But I hate it when guys are only interested in pretty girls, and when girls are only interested in handsome dudes. Yes, it's human nature to be attracted to beautiful things, this I can't deny.

But after everything, can't we all just acknowledge: "Aye, he's hot.", "She's pretty!" & move the hell on?

Why does it become a criteria of friendship? Or is it because there's hidden motives behind friendship - like looking for potential bf/gf?

& personally I find people who are conscious of their own above average looks usually arrogant, narcissistic and superficial.

That said, I find unassuming people who don't realise that they're pretty/cute/hot really awesome and nice.

Yes, and it's all these that I see that makes my blood pressure rise by a notch. (Okay la, exaggeration, but you get the idea of how disgusted I feel.)

So take deep breaths, rant, and be happy.

.

Am awfully tired. Night y'all.
(Secretly thankful today's mahjong session w B, NH & K @ 1030pm was cancelled.)

Chapter 237:

2011-07-30T03:27:00.002+08:00

I don't like feeling sad. I detest it. I dislike it totally when I break down & cry 'cause something sucky happened in life.

Which brings me to the point that I'm truly scared of heartbreaks.

Some people I met in camps said, "It's fine, you're young so it's okay to have fun."

But you know what? After all the fun it's just an ending which at best is acceptable, at worse makes being mere acquaintances uncomfortable. & really, is the heartbreak worth all the fun?

To me it isn't. Or perhaps, I haven't met someone I find worthwhile. & so that's it. I'm happy alone, happy single, happy with 24/7 all to myself.

That so wrong?

*& I'm still gonnna find someone that makes me happier than when I'm single, & give me the feeling that there's a chance that we'll make it last. 'cause if it's not forever we're working for, what are we going towards? Fun & heartbreak?
Nah, I can't understand this theory of speedy love.

Call me an idealist. But you know what? I don't want someone handsome, someone hot, someone rich or someone smart. Just someone I can be comfy and happy w, 'cause to me life's just about spending happy moments with people you love.

VERY IDEALISTIC MEH?

Chapter 236:

2011-07-30T02:46:00.003+08:00

Insights gained recently:

While you don't agree with someone's way of life it may not necessarily means that you have to voice it out. Just smile demurely and let the moment pass.

But just to let you know, I am asking myself whether I am too much of a conservative (which I have always thought I am not)!!

Okay, let's just illustrate how liberal I can get:

Lesbians and gays, I respect your rights.
I'm not a racist, nor an elitist, or a xenophobe. (Self-proclaimed, you can think otherwise.)
I told my secondary 3 students: "It's okay to make the decision to have sex, 'cause I can't stop you, but bear the consequences yourself. But remember, never broadcast such information, nor put it into tapes/pictures form that'll put you in a vulnerable state."
Likewise, I told them, regardless of anything I find wrong, like having sex at their age, or smoking, I will accept it as long as they think that it's a sensible decision.

But you know, through it all, I just can't stand decisions make by people to deliberately hurt feelings or others, or rather made in negligence of feelings of others.

I mean, stop it jerks and she-jerks. Stop being so proud that you walk out of relationships with the upper hand even though it just meant that you have humiliated and stepped on the other party's ego.

It's not even playing fair yet you appear to emerge victorious? No, I sure as hell DO NOT respect you.

.

I find the fact that you are proud that you have multiple relationships which are not even great in quality downright pathetic.
I find that when you do not even feel ashamed that you deliberately two-timed or jumped ship unbelievable.

Granted, I am DEFINITELY intrigued by what's happening behind the minds of such creatures, but seriously, I think I do not really want to know 'cause I might just burst a blood vessel.

I don't think it's me being too uptight nor too conservative. I am just extremely defensive over the feelings of humans such assholes have hurt.

You want to screw your life up? Do it, I won't even bat an eyelid. I just can't stand it when you drag people down with you.

It's merely an issue of integrity and conscience. Never do something so terrible to others that you would never wish it upon yourself.

It is so okay to fall out of love, or to realise he/she is not the person you're looking for. But each end deserve its respect. Don't mar it with your thoughtlessness.

OH MY GOD. I AM FEELING SO INDIGNANT NOW EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T EVEN CONCERN ME. UGH.

Chapter 235:

2011-07-10T20:53:00.002+08:00

Don't ever start making me start to think that everything's your fault.
'cause once it start, it ain't gonna stop.

Stop the self-delusion, stop the accusations.

Chapter 234:

2011-07-10T20:09:00.005+08:00

You don't know what is craziness until someone who should protect you threatens to break your head with a glass bottle.

I don't understand how one can still treat death lightly when it has been proven that it's not too far away.

Welcome to my life.

Chapter 233:

2011-07-01T23:36:00.013+08:00

When do you want to retire?

Some people says 45 years old, and they work day and night for 20 odd years, telling themselves, a few more years, a few more years. They aimed to have a better life at the age of 45 years old.

But I ask, why?

By then, your kids have already grown up and relationships can't be build over night.
You lost time - their time, to love them and grow up with them. You miss their firsts, and their proudest achievements because you felt that money was the best present you could have given.

What if by the time you are 45, your kids have already started having their own life that you're no longer welcome into?

And really, the biggest question, what if you die at the age of 45 years old?
If your life is to enjoy after the age of 45, does the fact that you dies at 45 render you life worthless? Does it makes it meaningless?

Then what exactly is life to you? To die?

And if this goal is shared by your spouse to both enjoy life and each other's company at the age of 45, what is left for him/her?
Does she go fulfilling each shared goal all on her own, stabbing her own heart each time as she goes about it?

.

Don't make promises that you can't 100% guarantee. You may want to keep it, but can you?
Don't make such long term plans that you can't fulfill.

Because you know what? This is life, something that can just be taken with a snap of a finger, be it a car crash or an operation failure. It'll be gone, just like that.

Please, live every moment knowing that you have made the best/near best of your time.

Indeed, we do long term events in our life. We make plans/save for the future. But do make each decision knowing that if circumstances were to change drastically and you were to die the next moment, rationally you would have done the same.

Take the above stated 45 year old retirement example. Why not choose to retire at 55 year old, but spend more time with your family and husband/wife. Wouldn't that be better?

.

Live everyday happily, don't postpone it. Because really, I find it the best thing life can ever give.
Live, Love, and Laugh.

Don't ever do something you don't enjoy just so you can enjoy later.
Because, what if, that moment never comes?

Chapter 232:

2011-06-21T19:44:00.002+08:00

Day 42.

Dearest D, can you hear me? Can you hear us?
Today I truly realised the gap between us. The infinite amount of space between us.
Are you further than Mars, Venus or Jupiter? Or are you just by the clouds?

As much as I speak as though you're still here I know you're not.
Yet, I can't speak as though it's all in the past 'cause these are still swirling in my heart & mind. I don't want to forget but I really fear the day your voice evades me.

Where are you?

Chapter 231:

2011-06-19T21:30:00.011+08:00

I get so exasperated when you derive a life principle & share it with others & they doubt it.
Hello, this is not read off a book, it's what I learnt in life by experiencing it in flesh.
Who are you to disprove that?

Take for example, I strongly believe that when a couple get married & have children in future, the couple should never ever revolve around the children solely.
I am not saying love your children less, nor that you neglect them. I am asking you to still place your husband/wife as priority.

It doesn't mean spending less time with the children than the husband/wife.
Think: if you suddenly have extra commitments, it merely means you have less time spent with your husband, but it doesn't mean you get lazy and refuse to do tasks for him, love him less, let him fade out of your caring vicinity.

That's the logic!

I find it sad that a couple in love slowly diverge over the course of 20 years 'cause they had devoted so much to the children.
(More often than not, it would be only a party doing it & the other party left neglected & then learning to live without him/her and just get on with life.)

And guess what happens after 20 years, when your children have grown up? When they no longer have time for you? Do you still hold on to them so tightly and become burdens of theirs?
Do you?

Or do you spend happy and enjoyable time with your husbands/wife, being happy together just retiring and travelling around the world?

Think about it, how do you mend a relationship 20 years gone? How do you spend day after day with him/her when the love is lost? How does the marriage even works whenn it was based on the children, now that they have grown up?

.

I used to see this daily in action. This is what I've learnt.

Do you dare tell me you disagree?

Of course, I am sparing you the details. You can tell me you see it too, and you want the opposite. ARE YOU SURE WHAT YOU HAVE SEEN IS WHAT I HAVE? Don't ever assume that you know what I feel, what I've seen, what I've experience.

All I can say is, trust me. Never let the children shift the focus of your marriage. You got married 'cause you love each other, and are able to take the commitments of raising kids together. You didn't get married just to have children.

Indeed, having children is a new responsibility. It is a serious commitment. Guess what? This is life, cope with it. Think of the love you fought for, the years you spent.

Are you sure this is what you want? To the point silence is not companionable, but the norm 'cause there's just nothing left to talk about.

Imagine 20 years of raising children but no dating at all. How are you going to do that when you're 50/60 years old?

.

I truly believe that when parents are loving, they build a home filled with love.
The kids do not need to choose sides to stand on, and it's such a joy not to have to do that 'cause you know what? When both parties are your parents, how do you choose?

A loving home is just what a child needs.

If you love your husband/wife enough, you'll love the child enough 'cause as much as the child is yours, it's theirs too.

Let the children revolve around your happy marriage. Let them believe that love is possible. Let them know that as long as you work for it, love is there for you to grab on to.

'cause you know what?
Every child deserves to hope.

Chapter 230:

2011-06-05T00:28:00.003+08:00

Recently, there's this initiative to organise a class outing by my JC class chairman, or rather, chairwoman. I salute her for the effort.

Responses, are at best lukewarm, or just plain silent that it's depressing.

& to illustrate the difference, boys in our class actually organised many outings by themselves. Nope, I am not jealous 'cause the girls do meet up on our own & seriously, the former are never the best company (Ooops, but well, this thought is mutual I guess?).

But you know? When I see that they actually made the effort to invite our class CT & not the girls along too, it's half-exasperating & half-disgusting. I thought guys were suppose to be gracious & not so downright rude! It's like a conscious thought to exclude people, which they are so good at, isn't it?

I admit that the class has always been gender-segregated, or even more split up 'cause the girls themselves are not even a united front. But I absolutely hate it when things get obvious, and distinct. Can't you even have the decency to invite? If we reject, it's another issue, no?

GOSH. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND HOW GUYS CAN DO SUCH THINGS!!!

I am saddened by the fact that my past 2 years was spent in such a class. Nobody expects love from you guys, but at least learn to be gentlemen.

I don't like how you people judge the girls in the class.
Don't like how you people can make the effort to get to know prettier and cooler girls outside of our class than the effort to know us a little more.

I am just so disgusted with such people.

Note: Even if the notion to NOT invite the girls are suggested by the few assholes who constantly judged the girls (who we all know they deem themselves too cool when they're not) I am equally disappointed that other guys go along with it. By accepting & going with the flow suggest that 1. you have no strong stand, & that 2. you are also disgusting.

Just very sad/disappointed that the class turns out to be this way.

Chapter 229:

2011-05-31T17:29:00.004+08:00

Taking a break from doing endless admin work & felt like typing some thoughts down.

For those who coincidentally find that you need some additional strength in life.
Dearest P, mainly for you.

Strength doesn't come when you don't even tell yourself you need it. It doesn't come naturally, it's against our nature. Unless you're a masochist, we usually like to go with the flow and not push ourselves to our boundaries.

But remember, it does come when you really need it.

We whine/sulk/moan over trivialities which somehow seemed severe at that point in time - injuries, academic setback, lost friendships. Yet, when a major shock do slam into you, you find it still possible to go through life. It may not be as pretty and smooth-sailing as you want it to be, but you do live it.

The day I dreaded since young, the thought which will cause me to cry myself to sleep happened much too early. But guess what, even if I felt that it's a bad dream that I'll awake from any time, life has gone on. No one will wait for me to pick myself up, cars don't stay stationary & lives of others proceed on. The world doesn't crash, & the Earth still rotate.

So to me, it's not merely a choice to be strong, it's a must.

Frankly speaking, I do admit that shit happens to everyone & we all don't like it, regardless of whether it causes our lives to simply tremble or 'cause a massive Earthquake at the rating of 9 on Richter Scale. I don't judge your problems, nor will I say it's insignificant 'cause until we meet the next biggest problem, the current one will still remain the most severe. This I allow you.

However, what I condemn is wavering mindsets, the lack of the courage to pull yourself together and be strong. Why allow yourself to wallow in self-pity? If you keep thinking you're weak, you'll never be able to be strong.

To people who once told me I never understood pain & grief, never know how hard it is to be strong, I (& my siblings) hereby prove you wrong & therefore substantiate the point that people are able to be strong, even if their skies come crashing down.

It all boils to one word - Attitude.

A cliche poster, but really, it hits the nail on the head.

I find that if NOT given a choice, we take any news in our stride 'cause guess what, you have no other option aside from taking in the news.

So stop pondering about the 'what-ifs' & 'what-have-nots' & just remained firm in your decision. By traveling 50 m up & down, up & down repeatedly, you're still stuck at the same spot. In other words, you achieved nothing but to sink in deeper by setting a pattern.
This is of course, in the situation whereby you are given a choice, which unfortunately, I am not.

.

Someone I hold dear, admire a lot & had always been my pillar of support took an abrupt absence from my life 21 days ago. I don't have a say in it. I can't call him again to hear his voice, nor will I see him again. If given a choice, I want to. I would want a last hug, a last word, & my first 'I love you' to him. But you know what? I can't.

I would love to say "have always been my pillar of support" but I can't too.
I would want him to witness my achievements, my happiness & perhaps my wedding, but again, I don't have a say.

Till now, I'm still standing tall, as like everyone else involved, albeit wanting to hide in a corner to cry my lungs out at times.

.

You can be strong, if you let yourself be.

Things don't always go your way, you can't control that.
What you can control though, is your own mindset & take on life.
Take pride & joy in that, & be someone you'll respect.

Chapter 228:

2011-05-28T22:48:00.003+08:00

Why do some people just want to choose to remain unhappy?
I don't understand.

You're given 2 paths, one to smile, the other to go round endlessly blaming & blaming & blaming. Why do you choose the latter & make everyone as miserable as you?

True, everyone of us get suck into such vicious cycle some time or another, but why don't you force yourself to buck up after a few months? Why obligingly allow yourself to get stuck & pull others along with you?

You are bitter, handle it. Why poison everyone else around you?
You have issues, settle it. Why involved others in it when it's complex enough?

WHY?

.

I am so tired of negative energy that keeps swirling around my friends & I.
I don't want resentment, don't want anger, don't want sadness, don't want bitterness, don't want depression, don't want craziness.

I don't want any of these.

Most of all, I don't want having you around telling me how angry you are with him, how bitter you feel. I forgive you for not being my pillar of support when you're vulnerable, but don't pull me down to grovel when I'm trying to stand tall.

Don't feed me with any more negative energy 'cause I fear to crack.

Don't.

.

Parents make or break you. It's true.

Chapter 227:

2011-05-27T21:41:00.003+08:00

You know how something major happens out of the blue that you can't get it into the system till 24 hours later?

If it's something joyous, it's great. But what if it ain't?
What if it's something you have to live with (or rather, without) for the rest of your life?

What if it makes you feel so alone, standing on a stranded island?

It's really not okay. I try so hard to be, but after 10 days of normalcy, I feel so empty. Feel so empty laughing with people, cheering people on (for ns, for relationships or whatever) when I can't even tell myself it'll be fine.

It's ludicrous, but I feel like screaming at myself when I make jokes, when I laugh. I feel guilty for doing enjoyable things because I just don't think I deserve to do it. I feel guilty for not crying, yet I don't want to cry.

I feel nervous that I just accepted the university course knowing you won't be there on graduation day.

Even if I tell myself shit happens to the tougher people, I want to push this responsibility away. I want my sheltered life, I want to stop making myself count every single blessings to be optimistic 'cause it just isn't so.

I miss you so much & yet there's nothing I can do. Really nothing at all.

Chapter 226:

2011-04-19T21:30:00.003+08:00

Copied & paste from my Tumblr:

Saying goodbye nicely & with manners is not easy at all when you have had a history with that certain someone.

I can’t live a life of uncertainty when it comes to relationships/friendships. I need to classify. I need to draw the lines. I think this problem (if you deem it as such) arises ‘cause I treat strangers, acquaintances and friends differently. & that’s why I need clear boundaries to know where I stand, where you stand, & how we should interact. I make myself sound like a social retard, but no - it’s merely how I function.

To me, if you’re not a (close) friend, you’re not worth any exceptional effort to be nice, friendly and spontaneous. I don’t feel a need to respect your views and take them seriously, ‘cause really, who are you? (Unless of course your line of thought is awesome and inspiring.)

The main point being that it’s always so easy to become closer, then less, no? The process of becoming closer is so magical; the journey to getting nearer to someone’s heart and mind which you never had the opportunity to is gradual. There’s no need to affirm that “Hey we’re close, right?” ‘cause you can feel it and see it - phone records, sms conversation, msn, outings, etc.

Yet, contrary to that, drifting apart is painful and there’s always the part of ‘not letting go’ intertwined in it. Isn’t it the reason why couples hang on for so long when love has long withered? & this is the matter at hand which I struggle with.

I can’t bear to say, “Hey, we’re not close, right?” because we share a legacy, a history. We share memories which have the both of us, we shared laughter and jokes, we shared mornings in the canteens, we shared bitch sessions about others. We lent support to each other, we backed each other up.

So, what happens when our faiths and beliefs diverge? What happens when our principles in life differ? What happens when our language of love and frienship changes and no longer can understand each other? What happens next?

We hold on half-heartedly while feeling that the other betrayed/gave up on us. We remain close on the surface with currents passing underneath. & when storm breaks through, we flash our claws and canines, hurting each other. At the end of the day, none of us achieve anything except hurt and regret.

So love(d), I’ll will myself to do the honorable act that you deserve. I’m letting you go, because we’re so set to go different ways. I won’t treat you any lesser when I next meet you (which I think would be soon), nor will I avoid you. Let’s end with no bitter feelings or resentment, and write glorious vibrant chapters on our own. Till next time when fate allow us to coincide once again.

I’ll look foward to that.

If even machines need a cooling off period, I don’t see why we can’t have our own time-off. I can’t say that we’ll definitely patch and mend in the future, but really, I will not build fences to shut off the options. Fences which stems from words meant to cut. ‘Cause simply, nothing can deny that we did enjoy each other’s company.

Chapter 225:

2011-04-12T10:50:00.006+08:00

Peace out, I love you, Lim Yian Lu. ♥

Chapter 224:

2011-04-12T09:21:00.002+08:00

Hi, playing with tumblr currently.
Find me here.

Chapter 223:

2011-04-03T23:09:00.007+08:00

Even I stop visiting my blog so i don't know why you aren't doing the same.
HAHAHAHAH.

Alright, I feel mean now.
(Okay, not really, I just miss the mean part of me, & feel this need to revive it.)
So here goes:

5 things I can think of that irks me:

Smokers.

Go rot in hell for all I care, just DON'T pull me along with you.
I hate you, and I hate you x 10000 if you happen to be standing in front of me.
& I totally detest it when you overtake me/I am unable to overtake you & hence have to be in your smoke trial and suffer the degradation of my precious lungs.

Totally cannot tolerate superficial/false/pretentious people.

Don't get how someone changes voice dramatically when speaking to people with authority/people one wishes to please or be in the good books of. Cutesy voices especially gets on my nerve. The overly sweet tone totally grates my nerves and makes me cringe.

Non-stop sms-ing when out with me. Key: NON-STOP.

This is a off-the-chart WTF event in life. Really, if someone is so much more interesting than me, and you wish to spend time with the person, don't ask me out. It's that simple & I believe anyone with brains can figure it out.
This is of course, added to the fact that you're being a downright rude and ungracious company. & ultimately, it boils down to 1 word - RESPECT.

The feeling that I wasted my time.

It's like after a day/period of helping someone do things/accompany them, nothing was achieved. It SUCKS, I tell you. Usually this merely irked me, but when I'm in a state of sleep deprivation coupled to packed schedule, it makes me so angry that I will swear never to waste my time for others again. But somehow, history repeats.

This is interlinked with point 3, since by not dedicating your time & attention to me, it makes me wonder why the hell am I sparing time for you. And of course, your lack of appreciation (since you blatantly ignore my presence and SMS continuously) makes me feel slighted, and a lot more.

Strangers who knock into me without apologising.

Do you not have nerve endings that send impulses to your brain that you have just been in contact with others? Rude, very rude.

& really, the way of getting it out of my system is to TSKED you loudly, and pretend that it's not me. (Yes, I'm a coward who does not have a death wish.)
Or if I'm feeling brave and confrontational, a death glare will suffice.

That said, I do apologise when I knock into others, ok?
Or rather, I go "Ack, ooops."

This feels like I just cleared my bowel system.
(Hehehe.)

.

Anyway, out to celebrate Pat's birthday.

♥
Z says I look like angry bird. Quite cute, no? HAHAHAHHAHA!

Chapter 222:

2011-03-19T00:06:00.003+08:00

Since Wednesday, I'm a little confused as to where I'm heading to in university.
My dreams are concrete, yet I'm accepting of 2 career choice.

And I guess that's kind of expected because problems and decisions in life never seem so straight-forward aye?

& that's just what I'm planning to do.
I shall just try my best in clinching both offers, and decide when it's time.
I believe I'll have the answers then.

.

It's the school holidays and I'm off work from wed-fri.
The feeling's so superbly great!

I met up with precious humans (at least to me) and I really like picking on their brain and updating myself with them.
It just reaffirms why they're so important to me.

I think, as a friend it's important to share common goals and principles in life else it would just be non-complementary gears trying so damn hard to turn together.
And one day, the whole mechanism just fall apart.

And respect.
For her decisions, and for her thoughts.

Meeting Georgi and YiXian on dates really made me feel a sense of calm that I didn't realise was missing.
Perhaps they reminded me of canoeing, and the happy times.
But at the end of the day, I realise it's because it's them.

The way I can shoot my mouth off and make poor jokes, yet they'll smile.
The way I know effortlessly that they return my love for them.

& the value I place above their heads, and indeed, of their heads.

I think it's not easy meeting friends who have depth, and in them, I find some solace.

Life is great.
How's yours?

Chapter 221:

2011-03-15T22:33:00.003+08:00

Isn't it ludicrous for people to treat live as a joke or use it as a threat when over 3000 people have died in Japan, with 6000 still missing?
Isn't it just plain stupid?

When people don't get to fulfill their dreams, because they i)died or ii)pillars of support died, someone in another part of the world makes a conscious choice to end their live, brushing aside their own dreams.
Is it even the slightest bit fair?

And really, people who waste their live away, just whiling time awaiting death is no better.

One should just live for oneself.

Indeed, one mustn't be self-centered.
But really, I think your own happiness and dreams over rides anyone else's.

If, at any point in time, this dude(tte) is ALWAYS not thinking for you, but for themselves, it's a rude awakening to yourself.

Be happy that you at least get some sign that he/she is merely just a self-centered bastard/bitch who can't care less about you when the emotion strikes them.
But remember, if you don't wake up, ultimately, you have only yourself to blame.

Don't talk about being noble.

If you can't even make YOURSELF happy, how can you make OTHERS happy?
& if you can't even make yourself happy, how can you push the responsibility away and expect others to cheer you up?

.

& I wonder, whether such catastrophe happens to jolt senseless humans, like us, awake & view life more sensibly.
Why the specific 3000+ people then?
Why them, and not me?

& it's another reason for me to live my life better, and more meaningfully.

Chapter 220:

2011-03-12T14:22:00.009+08:00

You know, with autism practically infiltrating my life, it has become all-so-normal to me that I don't even feel the abnormality that people will label them with.

Because of this internship, there was this point in time, this little point in which I told myself:

If the world must always have its share of autistic children, I wouldn't mind one of my kids being autistic.

(Yes, the husband is not in the picture, and the fact that I can't negotiate with God to have only ONE is also lingering in the background, but oh well, it's my brain at its work.)

Evidently something happened to shake me out of this thought and belief.

On Tuesday, JunMing (Yes, him again! :D) hurt himself in school, and being the teacher closest to him, I brought him to the clinic.
Surprisingly, he was so well-behaved that I am so proud of him, but of course he'll never know that aside from my constant ruffling of his hair. LOL.

He never once cry, nor any unconventional behaviour.
He sat when I told him to, and waited patiently.
It's a feat.

Yet, his inability to talk and his child-like behaviour which was deemed inappropriate for his 11-year-old build made others stare at him.
STARE and GAWKED AT, and totally not discouraged by my look of disapproval.
(And I rather thought I had deadly stares.)

Granted, they can have their curiosity, and of course, their ignorance as their claim.
And definitely, it didn't help that JunMing look so perfectly normal (and handsome!).

But at the point, did I realise that, whatever I have learnt about autism will never hold in the world out there.
Whatever I learnt and experienced, was in a sheltered environment that is so fully accepting of autism.
Which is true, mine's a school with this kid differing from the other only in terms of severity.

Yet, there never once was a normal kid there to insert a sense of reality in this environment.
No ugly contrast in nature.
No scary differences at learning inabilities.

Nothing of the sort to raise the alarm that learning ABC at the age of 7, matching one to 1, two to 2, three to 3, is indeed delayed.
Very delayed.

Of course, I never thought it was normal, but you know, how such can become so commonplace.
How autism is in fact the normalcy in my school.
How everyone is so accepting of them.

Which the world isn't.

& that's why being a parent is so difficult.

And the magnitude of the entire thing finally crashed down onto me.
Whoa, me and my idealistic beliefs were so ludicrous, no?

.

And yet again, I have something to thank JunMing for.
The lessons he's given me, even if it's the last week I'm teaching him.
And I do love him, and hope that he'll know.

Know that I really have grown attached to him.
And that I tried my best to look after him in school.
& that he's my favourite.

I hope he knows.

Chapter 219:

2011-03-08T23:00:00.006+08:00

Bought a meaningful book recently, and the first thing learnt is:

How happy are you on your own?
If let's say you're 80 marks happy, then, having a love/partner would have to mean you MUST be at least 81 marks happy.

If not, just be alone.

Being single/"alone" is not bad, it makes you know yourself more, and really sets your expectations high for your love-to-be, because, if you're happy on your own, why would you need someone?
This someone would in fact have to make you happier!

& that's the point.

If he/she doesn't, you might as well be alone.
Because you can; it's a choice.

.

& I think, love breeds independence, not dependence.
It's funny and ironic when one becomes dependent.

Good love makes you self-assured, and confident, and adds to you.
Not depletes you, and make you not even able to fill up the shell of the body you have.
(And really, where has the person he/she loved rotted away to?)

It's stupid, if you think this way.

& I swear, I cannot understand why people will do this to themselves.

Do you think so less of yourself that you can't survive on your own?
& are you being fair to i) yourself, and ii)the other?

.

& I make a promise to myself, to never become so weak.
(& I'll freaking mean it.)

Chapter 218:

2011-03-07T21:36:00.003+08:00

I find that in life, achievements are never only the tangibles.
In fact, the really important ones never really are tangible.

& the tangibles are often in a compromising situation - The more you achieve, the less you have people celebrating with.
(Of course, there are exceptional brilliant ones who can achieve it, but there'll come a point where it becomes compromising, just that the point differs from people to people, based on capabilities.)

So I think it's a personal choice in life.

I never felt the exceptional rush/push to prove to anyone I can do something, even to myself.
'cause you know what? I'm just plain arrogant - I know I can.

And that's just it, 'cause I find no meaning giving up things I like to do for things I don't like, just to prove that I am smart/able or whatever shit.

Of course, I am glad I did well enough to get a good enough rank point that can get me to all courses I desire, even better ones which I don't want. (I personally deem it cool, man.)

But ask me if I regret not having all As, or whatever perfect result, it's a resounding no.

My biggest pride through this all, is the improvement I made from prelims, and not the absolute result I got.
& I'm happy I have a bunch of cool people to fall back on and talk nonsense to.
(I very much miss the few team mates!)

And to know that, they'll always be there for me.

And truly, that's my biggest gain out of my tertiary education - People.

Mine start with a P, and frankly speaking, yours can start with A, end with A, and are As all over. Congratulations, but that's not what I am looking at.
;)

And double happiness to those who have both. You are my idols, then. ;)

.

And to those not as happy, regret does you little help, but optimism (carefully weighted, of course!) propels you on.
A million regrets will never turn back the clock; it only serves to retard your current speed, and lose more time.

So why not pull yourself together, and make choices that are most justified in your situations and not cause future regrets. :)

.

SINCERELY, JIALE JIALE JIALE.

Chapter 217:

2011-03-07T21:23:00.004+08:00

Helllooooo, nosey parkers who wants to snoop at A Level results!
I'm not telling unless you i)ask me personally, or ii) use your sources!

Anyway, I'm happy with it & that's what matters.

.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE KEEP OUT OF MY SAFE HABOUR.
I'm done being in close vicinity with you, I pretty much am begging you. Wish right now, wish right now...that I will not land up in the same course as you.

Chapter 216:

2011-03-01T21:47:00.004+08:00

Do you believe?

Something gain will always means something else lost.
From any incident.

Did you gain something, like wisdom, while I lost others?

Chapter 215:

2011-03-01T21:21:00.005+08:00

Anger, tears, bewilderment and exasperation.
They drain you (so very very much), yet the random occurrences reassures the strength of the friendship.

I never once doubted our friendship, but truly, I can do without all the drama, love.
They take the life out of me.

& I'm serious when I say I experience the guilt when no one else sees my point.
And through it all, I really find a need to reassure myself that I'm not mean.
Because truly, there's no one else to do it for me.

I advocate self-worth issues, but sometimes, people do get you down.

While you finally get stronger, I find a piece of me missing.
But I'll be fine, I'll be.

.

I'm resigned with how love between 2 is so over-rated.
I'm resigned with how superficial the world function.

I'm exasperated with people who love others more than themselves, and love one so much more than their friends.
(When the one doesn't even place you on the altar, nor treat you sincerely and faithfully.)

I'm tired of just being the one, that gets shoved around & postponed.

And through it all, I'm certain, I will never be like this.
& I pray that all these words from my mind, will never turn to mush and bullshit, the very day in the far future when I fall in love.

'cause I don't want history to repeat, and to merely prove that I mean what I say.

.

Just plain tired.

Things happened.
Things which I didn't expect to, nor did I prepare for.
Things which really, made an impact on my life, or rather certain parts of it.

Food for thought - How reliable is anyone?

Chapter 214:

2011-02-21T00:42:00.002+08:00

I am not a good person at times.

And therefore this is a solemn apology post for 2 darlings in my life.

I'm sorry that you have to live with a stubborn girl for the rest of your life.
I'm very sorry but I doubt I would ever become mellow even after 10 years.

I'm sorry that sometimes I appear to insist my way of living on the both of you.
Sorry that sometimes I place my expectations of you so high.

And of course, I apologise for not saying things nicely and packaging them but just rant them out, expecting the harsh tone be automatically filtered away and that y'all will get what I mean.

.

Sometimes I feel guilty for doing this to y'all, sometimes I wonder am I pushing too hard?
Sometimes I think, am I placing my principles so high and views so tall that i neglect what you truly want.

But deep down, I still think I'm doing the best I can for the 2 of you.

I'm sorry aye?

But I still hope you 2 will listen to me, 'cause I still think that's for the best.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. I suck.

.

& with much love, jiale.

Chapter 213:

2011-02-15T22:40:00.003+08:00

You know, for someone looking for support, one should inspire trust and faith in others.

'cause for people who take alternative paths, they impress upon me as individuals who are independent, self-motivating, self-assured, and really knowing their stuffs.

And have elaborate and detailed plans, not just leaving it up to the fate.

Because why?

YOU are already taking the alternative path, therefore giving up the right to simply move with the flow.

.

I am not saying you will NOT succeed in this path, but really, inspire me to believe in you.

Because I truly believe, being able to appreciate (to the extent of a fan) may not necessarily means you have the ability to create.

.

In this point in time, I can only surmise 2 conclusion, one is that you're (i) naive, and (ii) courageous.
I hope it will be the latter.

If so, I will admire you for not joining the rat race, and not merely simply living life.

But I hope you would be able to live life, taking the path you choose.

.

Chapter 212:

2011-02-15T22:19:00.002+08:00

Pathetic is not the tears you cry, nor the sadness that overwhelm, but the lousy attitude one adopts in life.

I'm glad you're over it.

.

Idealistic is merely about the depth of passion you feel for the issue, but not the feasibility nor the practicality of the said plans.

I hope you will get over it.

Of course, you can say I can't understand how much passion you feel.
And I don't wish to argue 'cause I will not necessarily lose but that's kind of pointless.

It's not my life, not my say.

I will only ask a question:

For someone so interested and passionate, do you understand Adobe Photoshop, Flash player, movie maker, etc.?

.

Chapter 211:

2011-02-12T13:25:00.002+08:00

As much as I don't like people who are only there when it's good times, people who are only here when life sucks are so bewildering that I do not wish for you to be near me.

Don't give a damn for my life only when I post and say that I'm sad.

If you have to know that life's not going well for me through my blog, it merely means we aren't that close.
Get it?

& if I do not sought you out to listen to my woes, don't come to me, because simply, you are not up for the task.

And to see you becoming concerned with our lives only when we are sad and heartbroken is maddening.

Just what are your motives?

.

The way to a relationship is not just i) good times, or ii) bad times.
It's both.
Get it?

.

Chapter 210:

2011-02-11T13:30:00.003+08:00

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Boy: No this is fun.

Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary.
Boy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Now slow down!

Boy: Now give me a hug.

Girl: *gives boy hug*

Boy: Can you take my helmet off and put it on yourself? It's bugging me.

Girl: Alright, now slow down.

Boy: I love you, babe.

Girl: I love you too. Just slow down, PLEASE!

(In the paper the next day)
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of a brake failure. 2 people were on it, but only 1 had survived.
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know.

Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug 1 last time, then he had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

.

Read this somewhere (*winks*), & it really really disturbed me.

I don't like to read about sad endings.
No, I absolutely HATE it - I drop any book/drama when I don't find the ending to my liking.

And after 5 minutes, I suddenly realise something - WHY WAS THE GIRL NOT WEARING ANY SAFETY HELMET?!

So eventually, the moral of the story is actually not how noble his love was (though it was) but that we should observe safety so that none would be sacrificed.

& also, I believe the part about him wanting the girlfriend to survive, and to experience the last "I love you" and hug is kind of nonsensical, because, if he had died, how could we have known what he thought?

Therefore, his awareness of the brake failure, his consciousness when making such attempts is merely - assumed.

Girls, don't ever be swayed by emotions again okay?
Mind over heart makes you stronger, at times.

Chapter 209:

2011-02-06T23:18:00.002+08:00

Darling P, be strong.

Do you believe me when I say the best things in life are never perfect?
I find JunMing a blessing to me, but in the eyes of so many others, he may be a societal burden, and really someone not worth taking a second look of.

A relationship, or any friendship, for the matter, is never in a vacuum of its own.
It's expected since the world is so full of many living souls which are all so different and unique.

The various peer pressure, the many incidents that occur on a daily basis, the multitude of misconceptions and the disgustingly skewed preconceptions some have on others before truly knowing them.

And what's worse, when such exasperating situations explode like mines all around you, or rather like one atomic bomb from a known source which turn its back on you.

Guess what, focus on the beauty around you, even though the ugly is baring its teeth at you.

If there was no darkness, would the brightness be appreciated?
If there was no malice, would kindness ever be deemed kind?
If there was no sadness, would the magnitude and reality of happiness have dawned on you?

Darling, never expect anything in life to be smooth-sailing.
Moreover, anything that is easily achieved will never be carefully treasured.

It's fine.
Smile aye, since tears seems to only blur your eyes and smear your cheeks, yet not able to fling the hurt back at them, nor relieve you of them.

So really, don't cry k?

.

Things happen for a reason, as much as we don't want to experience them.

Look in the bright light, it can make you stronger.
It can make the relationship stronger.
It can make y'all treasure each other more.

As long as you don't break.
So be strong.

.

I love you alot, jiale.
(& I believe he does too.)

Chapter 208:

2011-02-06T09:07:00.002+08:00

Happy New Year, everybody!
*GRINS*

Anyway, my siblings were commenting how lunar new year is so much more enjoyable, what with the long holiday, and most people actually slack at home (for the reunion dinner) than head out to crowded areas to count down, aye?

This year's new year had been quiet, but truly amazing and pleasant for me.
It had been really awesome spending time with my family.

Truth to be told, the mention of them on my blog is minimal, simply because I'm not close to them.
To a point in which I don't talk to my eldest sister 'cause we were on bad terms.

& we actually started talking again, sincerely.
I cannot emphasise on how wonderful this is to me.

She actually lost her wallet and it was returned to her, so we asked her to thank the Chinese gods for it.
& she told me she also thanked them for the fact that we're conversing again.
And while I just reply "Oh, hee.", I really, really, really felt blessed.
I may not understand why we suddenly started talking, but really, I'm not about to question that!

Second chances don't come by easily, so I am not gonna let this slip through my fingers again.
I mentioned inertia deterring me, and now it's gone, it's time to cherish.

Thank God, wherever/whoever You are, for this sincere reunion of the family.

& really, this few days made me realise as much as I had been denying, or not letting myself appear inadequate, family is very important.
Thanks for the awesome family I was born in and raised up with.

I may not be the best member, nor the one who is easiest to live with, but I'll change, I promise.

(& this, will be one of the priorities of the year 2011.)

.

Internet connection at home is a boo-boo, so I'm estranged from the cyber world as of now.
:(
(Starhub SUCKS big time.)

We're all friggin' irritated w their customer service (or lack thereof).

But oh well, things happen for a reason, at least we're spending wonderful time with each other and not facing our own square flashing screens. :p

.

I actually was tempted to let this blog stagnate permanently, 'cause I can't seem to find topic/energy/time to post regurlarly, & I no longer find as much meaning as I don't really find any connection with anyone reading my thoughts anymore.

But this really random message brighten my day today!

I'm being random but I stumbled across your blog today and I think it's really awesome! Your post about how noble teaching is as a profession really touched me. All teachers should aspire to be like you :)

Awww, so sweet! ♥
Thanks so much, Grace.

.

Chapter 207:

2011-01-28T21:01:00.002+08:00

My posts are not in any way directed at anyone, it's just an outlet for me to let off steam. Simply because I don't wanna scream/shout at anyone.

Because I know no one is to be blamed for a particular event.

& therefore, I'll only reply "Don't worry too much" too any queries that's too personal.

Why personal?

Because sometimes I know I feel :( merely because of my insecurities.
& no one should be blamed for my own insecurities, aside from myself.

Though unthoughtful acts, inconsistency in your words make me much more anxious and fearful, it's a side I don't show to most people.

And therefore I say "Don't worry too much." when the hammer hits the nail too close on the head.

I'm not lying or denying any claims you've made 'cause you deserve my honesty.

But sometimes, certain things, I don't wanna talk about it with you, when you're so involved in the incident.
I don't wanna tell you, you hurt me, you make me sad, and having to elaborate all those nonsense, and eventually telling you it's me being insecure.

Because I fear it's a vicious cycle of making you :( and then me, again.

So why do it?

Let's just allow this blog of mine to be my outlet, ok? I do need it.

And I guess, my weakness is unable to let on my deepest weaknesses to y'all.

Chapter 206:

2011-01-28T20:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it's a joy to organise outings, especially when's there a meaningful objective behind the gathering.

But at times, when you becomes the sole person behind it, and when you're working daily, and feeling shagged out daily + getting sick, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel :( when things don't go smoothly.

Because I don't like the guilt that comes with it.
Don't like the feeling of the pressing dateline.
Don't like the responsibility of making everyone happy when I'm not exactly happy.

Don't like feeling under-appreciated.

.

I need (mental) strength.

.

Chapter 205:

2011-01-27T00:18:00.002+08:00

Random thought of the day, the special power I would like to have would be:

The ability to detect lies and sincerity (or lack thereof).

Wouldn't you?

.

24January2011 was a special day, JunMing had a severe meltdown, & it made me feel fear which I haven't felt for quite a long time - fear for my safety and his.
Yet, moments later, he made me smile for the love I feel.

.

This week is killing me, I am super tired as there are events after work EVERYDAY thought 2 tuitions have been postponed to Sunday.
I need sleep.
*ROAR*

Monday - Movie, Tuesday - MY LOVELY G, Wednesday - K & NH, Thursday - Y Confidence, Friday - Tuition.

I am sorely tempted to cancel some (even today's) but I can't help it.
Just like how I can't help posting now.

.

Yawns, night people.
I really NEED to sleep.

Chapter 204:

2011-01-25T01:56:00.003+08:00

You told me, every time I did something sweet, that you're immensely touched.
You told me that she and I are in different league in your social circle.
You told me that I am more important than her.

You told me, you told me.

You told me, if she was not there/unwilling, you don't mind doing it with me.

You told me, you told me.

You told me, that I was the one who touched you deep, while she's only your superficial playmate.

That's what you told me.

Tell me then, what am I supposed to believe?
What I hear from you, or what I see?

It's not hurt, it's stabs.

.

I think I'm having PMS & I am plain upset that I am upset.

Does that make sense to you?!

*breathe in, breathe out.

Note: PMS does not make me think illogically, it just amplifies all (negative) feelings by tenfolds.

Simply put, incidents which I usually pretend to sweep under the rug is baring its teeth at me at this moment.

Chapter 203:

2011-01-25T01:08:00.001+08:00

Yes, at this hour, what else can I do, but think?

I'm back from a movie - The Fighter w the guys, & I'm mad tired!
But I really feel like penning(typing) some thoughts down, while the computer is co-operating with me.

The movie's not too great, despite the great reviews. (SHAOLIN FTW!!)

But it actually got me thinking for a moment.

One of life's worse moment is to realise that no matter how much you steeled your heart against someone, all resolve turns to mush the moment that person bats an eyelid.
It really do suck - to feel so vulnerable in front of someone.

& do you know what's worst?
It's when this person over here is well aware of this little weakness of yours, and exploits it to no end.

She just passed the love on, without so much of a thought.

It's just like how the mom & Dicky exploits Micky, no?
& until one fine(or rather, unfortunate) day, did he finally awoke.

I swear, I will not want to let anyone close to me undergo such things, but really such is choices and lessons in life, no?
I spent ages struggling with myself to come to terms, & I may not even have yet to.
So really, what rights do I have to deter people from doing this?

Because, truthfully, if I haven't been through that, I wouldn't have believed it.

Hey, I spent 6 years.
How long will you?

I'm still rooting, rooting for you & I still hope all will turn out fine.
Yet, I'm not the one falling down the tunnel of love, hence, I'm without the faith of love.
Forgive me for that, won't you?

.

The Concept of Passing the Love on.

Let me illustrate using myself as an example:

My mom loves me a lot, and I do her.
But really, the extent of her love to me is immeasurable, this I know.
Yet, I get impatient with her & takes her for granted.

Never have I once told her I loved her, nor have I truly been the filial daughter one should be.

Simply put, I exploit her love, or rather, I pass it on.

I'm really guilty of it.
I pass it on to my friends, who in turn pass it on to others.
(Aside from really, one/two who I really think treasures me for who I am, I sometimes feel I can be a pushover when you're my friend.)

Even those who are the closest to me, the ones I take care of the most, the ones I put in the most effort, sometimes I just feel being swept aside when their interests are in conflict with mine.

& that's when the love is passed on.

Simply put, let's rearrange all our priorities in life.
Unless priorities are mutual, e.g. I place you first, you me, else love will just be passed from party to party.

& we always mourn for the love that was passed on by others that was from us, but never think twice about the love we passed on, no?

And because I make so much sense out of this theory, my goals in life have changed.
It's no longer fracturing my leg/elbow to experience it. (Hahah, don't ask me why!)

I just hope to meet someone who pass love on to me, and me back to him.
& I aspire for it to remain in the cycle.

Because if that happens, I guess it wouldn't matter where I am, and what I do.

But really, life isn't that perfect.
So I guess, I will have to re-adjust my thinking within a few years.

But oh well, don't burst my bubble yet!

.

Love, jiale.

.

Chapter 202:

2011-01-22T22:12:00.000+08:00

Hey, it's the 22nd day of the month.
A day that's special, so cheer up.

There's always thousands of reasons to be perplexed, but there's also at least one to be happy.
Today, simply, because it's the 22nd.

I like how I am EXACTLY 18years & 1month old, don't you?

All these are besides the point, I know.
But I don't think there's anything else I can help with. :(

I won't ask unnecessary questions, but feel free to speak when you want.

♥.

Chapter 201:

2011-01-22T21:21:00.006+08:00

Please refer to the chapter number of this post:
It's an important number to me, because it's one of the classes that really made me who I am today.

In this memorable class, I met:

People who stuck by me till this day & are always so wonderfully sweet to me - TingYan, ZhengWei, WeiLun, etc.

Thank you for bearing with my nonsense during my most irrational years of my life.
I haven't always been this nice, what more with me already not being one of the nicest souls on Earth currently.

Thank you for the umpteen chances and the magnitude of tolerance & love y'all shown me.

It's ♥.

Someone whom I really couldn't imagine being important, yet have become such an integrated role in my life - YiJia.

Thank you for making my life in HwaChong so much smoother.
Thank you for being the one who stood by me during the initial months of HwaChong, when I really thought I would haven been broken, with the main point being - you are totally not obliged to.

Sometimes, I am still unsure of whether we're there for each other (inc. Fly & Xuan) for companionship or really because we found people we really like.
So pardon my awkwardness when we haven't met for a while, and at times, my lack of faith.

But, hope will make us strong - I hope.

Someone whom I sometimes refuse to acknowledge, but have indeed taught me a lot.

At times, I would rather do away with all these lessons in life you have ungraciously imposed on me, if that could have spared me the immense agony.
But till now, I still hold on to the idea that you were once sincerely sweet to me.

If I momentarily censor the hurt I feel, I think I do really have some events to thank you for.
Thank you for being the one who played mediator between Pat & I in sec 1.
Thank you for once supporting me.

& other than that, I think I will have to reserve my appreciation, because sometimes, blatant lies & sins of omissions, being glib & being sincere really do confuses me to no end when it comes to you.

And yes, it was in the class that I really learn to stop being a bitch. (while I still can be, but that's besides the point.)

.

Watched ShaoLin w Lulu! ♥
I really appreciate the show a lot for its plot, actors, action and the heart-warming parts of the movie.

Whatever morals that we're supposed to take away from the movie is so far away from me.
How can I let go of materialistic wants went I'm so entrenched in prospects of future careers and lifestyle?

While it's evident that our possessions far surpass and satisfy our needs, it's the wants that limitless, no?
& it's so hard to let it all go.

Truly, I wonder how some are able to do it.

.

When I get stressed (subconsciously), I like watching movies that makes me cry. Because it takes the edge away from me, and prevents me from crying in real life & hence feeling like a loser.
It's amazingly therapeutic for me.

.

& a question that's bothering me - Will I ever find someone who places his/her interests on par with my interests and really be there when I need help?
And can I find someone I am willing to do that for?

I'll tell you in 20 years time.

But recently, my heart got colder & I don't like it.

Chapter 200:

2011-01-19T21:19:00.003+08:00

It's post number TWO HUNDRED!
& for this special occasion, I shall blog about...JunMing.

(Shall go get myself comfy by removing contact + pee!)

Okay here goes :

(I don't care if you don't wanna read it, TINGYAN wants to read it!)

He's an 11 year old, with his left eyelashes being twice the length of his right eyelashes, has wonderful complexion & is cute when he doesn't frown.

Initially, I was really afraid of him 'cause he had a record of being super rigid.
& yes, all behaviours from initial post stated were what I learnt from him.

Not only that, he used to floor, push and injure people (unintentionally) in the process of having temper tantrums.
Coupled to being non-verbal, it's maddening to understand him.

Now, I know he babbles when he's anxious, & has grown to calm down when I ruffles his hair.
He understands instructions like "JunMing, action", like sit, stand, work.

The trouble comes when explaining to him even more complex matter that we don't even try - for fear of causing more confusion to him.

.

Most autistic kids can't comprehend the concept of 'finish' & therefore such must be taught to them from young.
They can sit in front of the television for hours, slowly growing more anxious as they do not know when it's over.

A subsequent trouble is without 'finishing' they cannot disengage from the activity, therefore can't move on to another, hence stuck.
& when stuck, anxiety rises for them till a point they will have a meltdown which are displays of unconventional behaviours - screaming, flooring, biting, etc.

.

& this is the basics we teach them in school - not ABC, nor 123.

Of course, there are autistic kids which are higher functional, that can even head off to mainstream studies, but kids in my schools are lower functional.

JunMing is one of them who is lower - he can't even count up to 5.

So I guess what's important is to mould them into functional beings, according to societal standards, & to communicate to us in a conventional way.
The latter is important, as only then will we know what they want.

At 11 year old, he finally made improvements as he is so much more calm now.
& when calm, any unexpected changed thrown their way is handled more effectively.

He is now able to tolerate mistakes I make, which would have confused him.
& is able to pull my hand to indicate what he wants instead of simply crying and wailing.

.

The first time he pulled my hand to gesture that he needed something, I was frightened by the strength and insistence he had.
I almost wanted to push him away and ask him to go back to his work.
(I'm glad I didn't)

Later, I realised it's his way of communicating what he wants.

The second time he did it, I was amazed.

Such skill is taken for granted by us, but I really treasure it by looking at him.

While it took much effort to figure out what he wants, since he just pulls me around the room, it teaches me patience - to not push him away but attempt to understand what he wants.

Now, I feel absolute joy when he pulls my hand, 'cause at least I feel appreciated as he knows I will try to understand him.

.

The next few days will be difficult, 'cause we'll be attempting to undo a mistake we did by introducing new elements into his study programme too quickly that he actually lost the meaning of it, and now is struggling.

Such are occasions I wish he could talk.

You know, I really do love him that I'm kind of glad he isn't like a typical child.
Because if he returns my affections and can understand the conventional way of love, I think the day I am required to not be a teacher to him will break my heart.

& through this all, I think the noblest act of a teacher, is to know that while you would want the child to love you, even depend on you to know that he needs you, you should place his interest above yours.
Essentially, it means that you will prepare him to NOT need you, and become independent.
& it's hard, because you realise that he has become part of your life already, while you're preparing him to not let you be part of his.

.

You will be amaze at the greatness an autistic soul have.
Their unconventional actions are often condemned as 'bad' & 'disruptive', but look beneath you will know it's due to their inadequacy to express their problems.

At their core, they are kinder than you and I, & so very honest that it's so endearing.

Perhaps, their purpose in life, is mainly to educate us that things that are deviants, may not necessarily be bad, & that having such special needs children really re-define life as a whole.

.

Chapter 199:

2011-01-18T20:42:00.002+08:00

Hello, this lady above helped me a lot to settle in into Eden School!
She's my co-teacher/partner when handling the class.
Heehee, I feel blessed.

And because, I feel that things happened for a reason, and fate awes me.
How when she's about to leave, I joined & us being placed together.

I can't bear the thought of either of us leaving the adorable kids.
Sigh.

.

Define rigidity.

It's having to close all doors, all zips constantly.
It's switching off all lights when you leave the room, even if there's still 6 others in the room.
It's having to take the same staircase everyday.
It's having the exact same book each time at every particular place.
It's peeing into the same urinal each time - even if it means pushing someone else away.
It's picking up litter that's not yours, and throwing it in the bin.

Such is the rigidity I see.

It's bewildering yet amazing at the same time.

He's the lowest functioning kid in the class, but I love him the most.
He's such a baby, in a 11 year old body, that I worry what will happen in a few years time, when it has just be a few weeks with him.

& I mean it when I ask, if they aren't given the discipline and control we have, why do they need to handle with the troublesome testosterone coursing through their blood?!?!?!
I feel so exasperated for them!

I am so glad to be given this opportunity to experience first-hand what autism is.
Life's a blast 'cause of this even though I feel so zonked out at the end of the day.

.

Met up w NguanHan & Brian for lunch on Sat.
Dinner at Serangoon/Little India (DIMSUM!!) w Pat & her love - ChoonZhe.
NguanHan, Brian & Keith for dinner, or rather Astons for dinner, yesterday.

DINNER DATE W ZHENGWEI TMR FOR HIS BIRTHDAY CELE.
I miss talking to him so much.

.

Chapter 198:

2011-01-10T22:09:00.005+08:00

Heeheee, it's Fly's first day of work...at my workplace - Eden School!
Cheers x 1oooooo!
Having a great friend working with you is a blast!

We went on a movie date at WestMall after work + induction (training course)!

Love & Other Drugs!
The leads are just so dashing and gorgeous!

It's M18, and as it doesn't involve gore, it's multiple sex scenes.
& through it all, I was just thinking about how the coupleSSSSSS around me were reacting.

I mean, hell, ain't that awkward!
(Especially those who just got together.)

Hahaha, anyway, it wasn't too bad a show, but the most exciting part of the show was that we rushed to the toilet in the midst of the show.
(Nothing beats yourself being the leads of your life, hur.)

.

I find it a blessing to find friends with common interests as me, as it's so easy to deliver a message, knowing that they truly understand the depth of emotions you associate with that particular incident.

While of course, this may be the very reason why we become friends, it does not negate the awe and happiness I experience for having found them.

.

One most obvious thing I've learnt from the past 2 weeks, is to have patience and love for kids.

Like, really.

Chapter 197:

2011-01-08T01:23:00.006+08:00

For the recent past days, I've been learning so much more about autism, kids affected w it, & really, simply more about myself.

I learn that I am indeed emotional when standing in the hall, on the first day of school, I felt like crying, simply because of the autistic children around me.
The heart tries its best not to ache at the mere sight of these beautiful children who will never get to experience life as I have and will.

& again this sour feeling invaded my heart today when I saw a mother crying at the foyer after her child left for his class while putting up a struggle and having a temper tantrum.

I learnt how patient I can be when I'm with them, and no, I am not at all patient with normal (neurotypical) children who have behavioral problems.

I learn how hard it is to stand my ground when the child I've grown attached to cry miserably.
I find it hard not to say "It's okay" & pats him on his head, and to do whatever he wants me to do when he stares at me with his eyes filled with tears.

& through this, I learn how love comes with rules because you want him to become better, yet it makes you miserable to even make him anxious for that few minutes.

And really, how much love I feel when he smiles at me.
(Even though I know he might not view me as a person but merely an object that brings him comfort, I am beyond happy that he finds meaning and happiness in me.)

.

Everyday it's such a learning journey that I look forward to lessons with them.
& to watch them complete little tasks, which means nothing to you and I, is such satisfaction to me.

Everybody says how nice it is for me to voluntarily work there, albeit with pay.
They have no idea how humbling this process is.

I held great expectation for this job, because it may in fact be a prelude to my future.

Guess what, it opens my eyes to so much more - what I can do to help them.

The struggles they face is so real that the efforts they make is so precious.
& the mistakes I make are so unassuming that it makes me think back and reflect.
And it's all these that makes me so contented.

.

& I salute parents who accept their child as who they are.
It's really a difficult journey, and I thank God such children are sent to them.

I may not know why they can't be born normal.
But rather than ponder why and be left perplexed without any answers, I am sorely tempted to commit myself to alleviate lives of such children.

But I do wonder, if my life means to help autism kids, what do their lives mean to them?

& what we are in fact doing, is helping them find meaning in OUR world, but really, are we using the power of the majority now?

(I'm merely thinking whether do they find meaning in their original culture because I do find that our efforts are required for them to be functional in OUR world.)

.

Through it all, I can only say another dimension in life is opening up for me, and it's only 1 week with them.

I can't tell you how cute they are, and how innocent they are.
& I can't share with you the pain felt when they have temper tantrums - merely because they can't express what they want.

Never have I seen people so without malice and intention that they just took my heart away.

.

They are real.

& I feel immensely drawn towards them.

Chapter 196:

2011-01-08T01:11:00.002+08:00

Hi Yi Jia, you owe me a treat on pay day for (indirectly) letting you have a meaningful holiday job that you enjoy.

Thank you.

*grins*

Chapter 195:

2011-01-03T23:55:00.005+08:00

Things you require before you enter a relationship:

Self-love.

A trust-worthy friend.

I'm losing faith in people to be:
(i) smarter than I expect them to be,
(ii) nicer than I want them to be.

Am I offering too much benefits of the doubts even from what I've seen previously?
How much evil/harm/hurt is one capable of?
How much evil/harm/hurt must one be inflicted with before the awakening?

& who am I to judged really, when I:
(i) was once a victim for 6 looooong years, and even now still see shadows of the stupid person,
(ii) am not a participant of this entire event.

Disclaimer: Not implying anything, but for eyes of someone who understands that no matter how exasperated I sound, I stand by him.

.

I like experiences, even if through eyes and ears of others.
I value them even more if the said owners of the 5 senses are the wonderful people I cherish in life.

But, I think, with experience comes maturity and cynicism, hand in hand.

& in this second, I am thinking how do I gain the former while by-passing the other.

Simply because, I despise ignorance, yet is unable to let go of my optimistic nature - something I take joy and pride in.

Chapter 194:

2011-01-02T09:33:00.003+08:00

Was supposed to countdown at Rach's place, end up I slept while they counted down since I was sick.

Like really sick, don't tell me, yea you were too.
I don't give a damn 'cause seriously, I was SICK.

So I slept.
& woke up at 2am to diarrhea non-stop till 3pm in the afternoon.
(It eventually stopped 'cause I've stopped taking in food, not that the digestive system stopped rioting.)

I subsequently went home to bless my toilet.

What a nice new year.
Hahahahaha.

But I was rather touched by the few who were there & were really concerned!
They kept checking on me through the night & ensured I was warm enough + whether my fever subsided.

.

You don't mark someone down for not being there, but rather, you alleviate positions of those there that the relative positions of those who aren't there dropped.
Yes?

.

Chapter 193:

2010-12-29T22:24:00.002+08:00

Whoa, I'm very tired.
Too tired to properly post, therefore I did not post.

I started work on Monday, & it was a very undemanding day, with me doing some admin/logistics tasks.

Yesterday had tuition after work.

Today had orientation w new kids (THEY ARE SO CUTE.) & tuition afterwards + dinner w my darling Pat.

YAWNS.

.

I have many thoughts on autism, and have learnt a lot just by interacting w them for an hour but shall elaborate when I am more lucid.

Chapter 192:

2010-12-26T18:02:00.002+08:00

I feel like I'm letting this blog slowly rot away & I feel immense guilt to self & to blog (though I'm aware it's a non-living thing).

Anyway, was recently contemplating what's life all about.

To me, I think it's just to better self.

But recently, I've been meeting walls, or rather crashing into, in some aspects.
& I feel stifled, while being rather hopeless to the point of being neutral already.

You know, the exasperation at how things can't be restarted while being aware that all these are in fact consequence of your past actions.

Sigh & I don't really have an outlet to elaborate in details, but just to tell y'all there's in fact a part of me in a mess.

& new year's coming.

I should get to work on my organiser + new year resolutions.

♥.

Hope y'all had a nice christmas.

Chapter 191:

2010-12-23T13:35:00.002+08:00

Back from chalet.

& I only wish to say thank you.
To everyone of you who made it possible & made me less helpless.
Thanks, & much love, as always.

Am at a lost of what to exlain, what to say.
All I want to say is that I'm more than fine, 'cause of the love y'all give me.

& last but not least, I'm 18.

I wish sincerely, that next year will be a great year for me & that fresh starts will not be as daunting as the one I had when I first entered HwaChong, 'cause it goes to shows that I've grown & can handles such situations better.

& also, to manage my emotions better & not get too overwhelmed.

Somehow I think I screwed up my wishes yesterday night, but oh well, I think wishes only do come true when you work hard for it.

& that's all for now.

Chapter 190:

2010-12-21T12:05:00.002+08:00

Will be away for chalet for the next few days so may not be posting.

Anyway, I was chancing upon blog of S.
The most recent post echo my feelings on trust.

Apart from white lies, what are the reasons behind each lie? I find it very scary how you just keep telling one lie after another. - S

& in turn it's ironic how I will not know the person this message is intended for, yet feel so deeply for it.

And the ultimate?

S will never realise that the person who affected me so deeply on my take on trust, my disbelief at this said person's morals (or lack thereof) & the umpteen times she lied to me, is in fact someone she trust so much.

Funny, isn't it?

How different people educate others in so many ways, and how some are so blinded to sides of others unknown to them & hold them in such high regard.

Or rather, how blinded one is of one to not realise that sweet promises are not everything in life.

Chapter 189:

2010-12-21T01:20:00.004+08:00

It's NguanHan's birthday (2 hours ago.)!

Guys & I; ♥

TingYan & our Vodkas!

Thanks Ting for accompanying me so spontaneously just because I said I feel awkward being the only girl, touched max!
♥ x 1ooooooooo

Note to self:
Do not whine for him/her who has not been there, but appreciate that there is someone special & unique who wants to be there for you.
& no one can fit that role 24/7, thus the magnitude of the world's population, else we'll just be 2-man strong, no?

(I don't care, it is logical to me.)

Chapter 188:

2010-12-20T08:12:00.002+08:00

Yesterday night, when i was about to sleep, lying on my pillow, the mighty brain got a sudden revelation:

There should be no whining, 'cause it's just self-obsession that everyone got.

'cause nobody's willing to wear shoes that don't fit & gives you blister consistently, no?

& let's just give thanks for all that there is.

Love.

Chapter 187:

2010-12-19T23:29:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, when you're not careful & don't juggle your balls properly, be extremely careful of the consequences.
One of them (the ones you're not staring at carefully) may just dropped and roll off.

It may well roll and stop at your feet, or just roll & disappear.

I doubt in this case it'll be the latter.

But well, I was thinking, i) how long does it take for it to fall, & ii) how long will you wait before you pick it up.

Merely thinking about some not very positive stuffs.

.

Sometimes, logical excuses to you just don't seem logical enough to me.
Well, if I attempt to stand in your shoes, I totally find it logical, to you, that is.

But really, I'm in mine.

You whine about the loss of a few hours in the face of a whole day.
But look at it this way, I have nothing for you to have additional hours, no?

Does it seem very logical now put into such perspectives?

.

& I'm thinking, whether life is about X number of people.
In one comes, out another goes.

Maybe, 'cause someone re-entered my life recently, and I feel the sting of another moving out.
& I feel I'm out of this person's, 'cause of the entry of another.

It's part & parcel in life, and I know the limits of 24 hours, and priorities.

But really, it stings, I don't deny.

Let's just suck it up & move on.

Chapter 186:

2010-12-18T23:04:00.002+08:00

Had dinner w Darling Lu & Pat today!

I have always belived that things happen for a reason.
While I genuinely am not gloating over your plight, can I tell you I'm actually celebrating in my heart?

At least, you've finally taken the leap. It may not be graceful, neither has it been without a few stumbles initially, but alas, you've taken off.

At least, you've come to realise that I sincerely want to be part of your life.

At least, I know I am capable of touching you.
(Teehee, not the literal sense.)

& really, perhaps, you're just cleaning up the nest for the next bird to rest.
(IT RHYMES, BABY!) ; mighty proud of myself.

I don't mind how long you take, or how long you had wasted.
As long as you're genuinely trying, I take joy & pride.

& don't lose faith 'cause believe, you deserve better.

Post below!

Chapter 185:

2010-12-18T22:50:00.004+08:00

It was darling YiXian's birthday on the 16 Dec, & once again an almost team gathered to celebrate the occasion!

Dear girl, I can't re-emphasise how much I meant it when I say that I'm happy to celebrate your 18, and will gladly relish in the opportunity to celebrate your 80 with you.
(Of course, this would signify that I do not die from some cancer/diabetes/stroke/heart attack, so therefore makes me extremely willing!)

While we may not be the closest of any, I thank you for being my t1 partner, & it's cool you are indeed my partner thought we've never officially shared ONE boat.

YiXian!!

Hehehe, camwhored w LiJun before the rest came at Ajisen @ J8!

BEST PARTNER IN THE WORLD. ♥ - ELMO.

The almost-team.
Me, LimMin, Yix (her head only), G, Shan, Lij, QiTian, Sandy!

.

& I met a my pretty girl & a handsome dude who was scouted by some model agency hur.
It's my absolute pleasure, just that I wish some people aren't so painfully shy.
:p

.

Chapter 184:

2010-12-16T13:11:00.000+08:00

I actually wanted to post yesterday, but the Internet crashed (at least in my house, that is) when I was about to upload pictures.
Then I decided to transfer to thumbdrive to do it at fish farm (like, just now?) but in my sleepy state I forgot all about that!

So well, now I'm comfortably seated back home after a super filling lunch, I should get to work!

.

Out w LiJun on Mondayyy, 13 Dec!

Nua-ed at Secret Recipe after walking for a little while!

JUN! ♥

Yogurt Cheesecake! ; not bad, but the yogurt taste is overpowering! :(
(Please try to imagine my despair when I saw that the Yogurt >>> Cheesecake.
I mean if it's like that it should be name Cheese Yogurt or something? :/ )

We shared the lamb shank in stew! But we finished it before we took a picture of it.
LOL!

CONFESSIONS.
Don't really like it; I mean all is fine, well & logical but a tad too unconvincing to me!
(& I personally think that author is an owner of a super convoluted mind!)

.

Cleaned up room (alas!) + dinner at Thai Express w NguanHan, Brian & WeeKiat + Monopoly deal on Wednesday!

& stayed over at lovely Pat's house!

.

Town w my absolute favourites - Pat & TingYan! ♥♥♥

.

& this explains why I haven't been posting 'cause I find that I'm really ageing & thus becoming less able to sustain consecutive outings for a few days.

And I'm very disappointed w self for not reading! :(

It's ironic, but I'm actually incurring sleep debt for this period.
GRAH.
:(

Chapter 183:

2010-12-14T18:38:00.001+08:00

I THINK I AM EMPLOYED!
& it's something I want so, so, so, so much!
I am over the moon!

*I am not supposed to reveal to much till the week is over!
But those who's close will know what I am rambling about!*

When I saw the email, my heart literally skipped.
♥

Chapter 182:

2010-12-13T14:05:00.004+08:00

It's LiJun's Birthday yesterday!

Happy 18th Darling! ♥

Teehee, photos!
Lazy to elaborate, except that it's an attempted rape & an informal team gathering! ;)

I hope she grows taller!

Off for a movie w LiJun! It's a date, baby! (:

Chapter 181:

2010-12-12T11:29:00.002+08:00

Sigh, true.

Sometimes I feel guilt over the slightest things.

Like, delibrately being impatient w someone else.
Or being snappish.

Well, the quotes doesn't really reflect whatever I am feeling currently.

But it makes me ponder more, that's all!

Chapter 180:

2010-12-11T20:52:00.004+08:00

Working at fish farm today & tmr!

Ate lunch w these 2 darlings at Westmall, & as usual we talked & talked & talked.

It's absolutely cool to have friends who are so unlike you in all manners but yet so similar in thoughts & lends you unconditional support.

Chapter 179:

2010-12-11T20:13:00.004+08:00

Do you understand?

Sometimes, things are simply not measured in years nor length of time.
Be it your maturity, depth of feelings, fragility of friendship.
None of these are of any consequence, though time indeed allows for more communication.

In certain sad (but often seen) situations, time even serves as the function which allows for divergence between individuals.

To me, growing up is not simply an increase in age; it's a improvement in maturity.
When one grows up, one bids farewell to idealistic notions & all the stupid fairy tales which do no exist in the real world.

Sure, girls are always entitled to be more dreamy & less practical, this I agree & sometimes too succumb to.
But I believe, growing up entails one making room for rationality, in place of mere ideas which will never come true.

It serves to allow one to strike a balance between ideals and practicality.

& one which just holds on to idealistic notions, and shut off the real world, is merely an escapist growing old but not growing up, no?

& I detest the presence of such individuals 'cause it's frickkin' shallow.
More so 'cause you're like a little kid living in an adult body, which should not be the case.

Little boy and girl should make way for mature grown-ups.
That's how I see it.

Yet, regardless of how stifled and exasperated I feel, when a friend is of such nature, I won't grumble, merely 'cause it's a friend.

But really, when the limit is breached, it's ridiculous for me to continue to tolerate anything that I do not expect of any new acquaintance I meet.

U, you must know, I'm not escaping your sms/question.
Give me some time to organise my thoughts, or rather, give us some time to organise our thoughts.
Not that we're incoherent or unclear of what we want.

But rather, respect is still underlying in out communications, & we will never want to hurt you with harsh words.

& really, the nagging thought is, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME?

Chapter 178:

2010-12-11T00:36:00.005+08:00

This struck a chord w me, especially:

So, love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.

'nuff said.

I'm sorry & goodbye.

Chapter 177:

2010-12-11T00:22:00.005+08:00

We all have aspirations at some point in time.

Some realistic, some not so.

Some self-preserving, some for that special someone.

But, I believe changes come slowly.

& intergrates into one, to make that individual unique.

You may idolise some, admire someone.

But to self-improve, is to gradually acquire new skills that becomes part of you, making you less awkward in living your life, no?

So, don't worry.

As long as you know your short-comings, and make the effort to change, it will come.

I believe.

.

Teehee, had a great time w TingYan at her house. (playing Monopoly Deal)
Just pure good company & time wasting, but bonding session!

Jiayou for exams darling!
(:

Chapter 176:

2010-12-09T16:31:00.006+08:00

Teeheee! ~

Jia, XiuHui, Deborah & HoiMan! (:

Miss Tan! ♥

TADAH! Table 55! (:

Chapter 175:

2010-12-08T20:30:00.004+08:00

I totally need to sleeeeeeep!

Anyway, short summary!

Home!

Woodlands to meet w Xuan, Fly & Jia

Treetops (service apartment near Shangri-La)

Shangri-La for prom

Chijmes for beer w Xuan, Fly, Jia, XiuHui, HoiMan & Deborah!

Back to Treetops w 7h!

YeXun cooked breakfast for class! ;)

Mahjong w WeiEn, Joyce & Jamie

Dinner w Pat ♥

>30 hours later, I'm finally back home.
Alas, alas!

So good night everyone!

Almost team!

(Not my favourite pic, but the only uploaded! Hee~)

Chapter 174:

2010-12-06T23:01:00.005+08:00

Caught a movie with some classmates at Cineleisure!

Easy A : The female lead is quite a looker!

& a hottie is spotted! *swooons*

He's Cam Gigandet! (Weird last name, no?)

& guess what, he actually has quite a huge role in Twilight!

But considering I only watch Twilight and not the sequels, I can be forgiven for not recognising him hur! (:

Chapter 173:

2010-12-06T12:49:00.003+08:00

Why when I send an invitation, the first response I get is : Who else is going?

Is it that important?

You are just finding excuses to reject me, no?

*irritated beyond words*

A simple yes or no will suffice.

Don't need tell me feel like, want to.
Cut the crap; get to the point.

Chapter 172:

2010-12-06T12:39:00.002+08:00

If I have to apologise, it would be that I gave more chances to her than you.
While you deserve nothing less than her (in fact, more), it's more about me.

Just because I'm protecting myself now, while not being unfair to others.
Just because I am more sick & tired of unhealthy relationships.
& 'cause I'm much more a cynic now.

Merely this, I have to apologise for.
Sorry for using your chances on her.

Because, now I see myself, without much breadth to allow errors from others.
& no longer do I brush things aside when I am set aside so carelessly.

.

It's not pivotal on a word. No, I was never the one particular about any word.

Chapter 171:

2010-12-06T01:49:00.009+08:00

What if your friends insist that they are (2-headed) ducks?

Will you tell him/her firmly it's not?

& what if it's events so much more solemn than merely, shadows, angles & optical illusion?

& what if you know the friend will not listen to you?

Change the room to the heart, & the caption to:
Cut here to let him/her out.

Most importantly, let the "ducks" waddle out of it.

Sounds logical, no?

As I grow older, I become more logical & rational.
& I proud of it.

It's merely experience that makes me more hardy.

I know, at least I've grown.
& I know, it's the least people that gave up on me, people I gave up on, have given me.

With this insight, I smile.

Because, something good comes out of everything, even things which do not last.
Even things which are fleeting, no?

I am at peace.

Chapter 170:

2010-12-06T00:32:00.007+08:00

I feel guilty for making such decisions, but really, when haven't I for doing things which I know might hurt others, but might benefit myself in the long run.
Even in the cases of friends who will continually hurt me.
Even when I struggled hell when it's cases like this.

It's like history coming true, just w different conditions and persons.

But eventually, I lose.

No?

.

One should never push the limits.

With understanding comes greater tolerance.
But one should keep in mind, no matter what, there's a limit.

Especially in ludicrous situations.

& again, I can only take joy in that you'll become better, as a final gift to you.

.

Food for thought.

Do we as humans, often take love from others and stuff it down others' throat, when they do not need it?

For example, love of a mother is endless towards a child.
But the child, will no doubt experience occasion when it pass the love on to friends, boyfriends or idols.
No?

It's kind of sad.

(I'm guilty-as-charged.)

Let's view it in a tangible light:

Love of the home-maker (mom/dad) comes in as a form of money.
Money for your allowance.

Fact: Regardless of how much you save, you are using their money.
(It comes from the allowance, indisputable; I rest my case when one is financially independent.)

So, what gives you the right to spend so much on another?
(Watch it, keyword - another.)

Have you started earning?
Have you done any work worthy of a pay?

So aren't you stupidly passing on the love to someone?

HUR?

To girlfriends/boyfriends.
(Yes, I will stick to this principle, and go dutch, unless I spend with my own earned money.)
To incomes of idols.
Whatever.

Plain frivolous.

(Not that I am not, but of course, once again the limit word kicks in again.)

.

Lastly, limit itself is subjective.
When thinking from one's perspective, it's endless in how people have to treat you.

But sometimes, think.

Think whether you've overstep the line.

.

Because while you're immersed in self-pity for yourself, you didn't notice that I stepped away.
It's too stifling & again, I feel that I lack something again.
Something I simply cannot measure up to.

Plainly, because of the stupid and idealistic priorities you set aside blindly.
Which, regardless of how much I try, I can't seem to reshuffle it.

& that's why I turn my back, hoping that both parties will find their happiness, in their own ways.

Chapter 169:

2010-12-05T13:44:00.001+08:00

Heheheheh!
Eating Dinner w Z & pat too.

I missssss you Pat!
*whines*

Hehehe, I LOVE YOU!
:D

Chapter 168:

2010-12-05T12:41:00.004+08:00

Spent the mornings of today & yesterday at the fish farm.
Sedentary yesterday (admin!) & become a free labour (deliver fish!) today.

& the most exciting part is:

*cues drumroll!*

THE TYRE OF THE DELIVERY VAN GOT PUNCTURED TODAY.

& we were on the TPE.

Did you know that if you stand by the road shoulder, when big trucks drive past, the highway experiences TREMORS?
& it pleases me to a certain extent to be able to experience that; I find that I thrive when there's thrill.

& I think my daddy very man!
He change the tyre in a wonderfully short time while I stand there not helping.
Heeeheee.

At the end of the day, man should still be a man.

Of course girls can do it too.
But can you imagine you're the one changing lightbulbs, doing manual stuff while guys stand aside.

It's just plain un-gentlemen-ly.

It's not a matter of whether we can or not, just the principle.

.

Off to gai-gai w Jia, Xuan & Fly.
(I never thought that we would ever become this close, frankly.
I've always assumed that we will accompany each other in class, & that's it.

I mean we all seem to lead pretty active life outside, & sometimes the JC (or perhaps, HwaChong) environment is not exactly nurturing in terms of un-superficial friendships.

But I'm very much gladdened that we're hanging out so much now that A's is over, considering that the study perioud made us see so little of each other.

& I really love you girl's so!)

(Okay, now I'm late, teeheehee!)

.

Chapter 167:

2010-12-03T11:21:00.005+08:00

I have always thought that friends who did not keep in contact but places each other top will still be able to talk after, say 6 months.

When it happens, we take it for granted.

When it sadly not happened, like what mentioned in previous post, I felt like I'm being slapped.
(Okay, exaggeration.)

Perhaps, yesterday was just a day of that. (which thus makes me not so happy.)
L, Z, R, S.
All 4 of them I once held dear.

Admittedly, I was the party which gave up for one instance, but what about the other 3?

Karma!

.

& sometimes, I think.
It sucks when people naturally cast impressions of you.

You're strong.
You're this.
You're that.

But when you try to cover your weakness and others feel that you haven't got any.
Shouldn't you feel proud?
Shouldn't you feel superior that you've done it - hide from others?

So why does it bother so much that they don't think you as needy?

But ah, I do that to others too.

So, just shut up & quit whining.

.

Offfffffff to EastCoastPark to cycle & play volleyball.
(Inertia is huuuuuuuuuuge! 'cause I'm so frickkin' tired.)

Chapter 166:

2010-12-03T11:02:00.002+08:00

Some stuff might actually be the most important things in your life.
But really, it's simply self-discipline to move on.

Move on when it just keeps bringing you pain.

No one will understand.
Nor will they try.

So it's just up to you.
Yourself.

Understand?!

.

Yesterday was the last time I am required to wear my full uniform, & not so coincidentally, the end of the A levels.
& coincidentally, someone's birthday.

Interaction (or rather, LACK OF) with that said person brought back some stinging memories.
& I decided that I shall rise above it (or attempt to) and just brush all these stupid thoughts away.

.

Went on a marathon yesterday.

School for Bio P1

313 @ Somerset w Xuan & Fly to shop for their prom stuffs & TALK

Causeway w Lulu to eat at Breeks & watch Rapunzel

Back to town to meet ZhengWei, merely to see his retarded face

Off to Buddy Hoagies at Bukit Timah for Canoe dinner

.

But yesterday wasn't a very happy day for me.

.

Bus ride home w the usual 67 partner...seemed different.
& I feel a little saddened.
It doesn't matter that I attempted to lengthen the bus journey by taking the bus back to CCK, and not merely alighted at my stop.

The feelings are just different.

No longer as equal, no longer as accepting, no longer as supportive.

Did I change, or you?
Or both?

I mentioned that change is inevitable.
I still do mean it.

But perhaps, upon further thought given to it, it's merely because change happens to both of us without each other around.
& it's merely known as - divergence.

Merely that.

So tohjiale, just rationalise that & suck it up.

R, I miss you.
More importantly, I miss us.

.

Chapter 165:

2010-12-01T21:40:00.007+08:00

What if everything started out as a joke?

A joke which made you reciprocate the feelings, feelings which are a jest.
What would you do, if one day, the joke-teller decides that it should end.

At the point.

Even if you've already fallen down the spiral.

*Snaps* It's time to wake up.

Can you do it?

.

Foundations

Today, on the bus home, it suddenly dawned on me how important this word is.

I mean, regardless if it is one's studies, love or the frivolous make-up, it matters, no?
Even for the non-living, like buildings & architecture, its impacts are felt.

So why, do we always neglect it?

For instance, 20+ years of marriage:
Do you measure it by the length or the foundation?

As an on-looker, I'll not hesitate to say:
THE F-WORD!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but happiness is derived from everyday life.
& everyday life is based on communication.

WHICH IS STEMMED FROM THE FOUNDATION.

I think I make absolute logic.

Next, studies.
No matter how much hard work you put in during tertiary studies, one is often hindered by his basics.

SEE, INDISPUTABLE AGAIN.

& so, people, foundation is important.

(I don't care, I WANNA PREACH, so LISTEN UP.)

I think, it really matters how a relationship/friendship works just by the first few interaction.
It determines the subsequent and eventual value of the person in your life.

So, be as truthful as you can.
(Ever heard of the cycle of lies?)

& don't make it a habit of doing something, which you don't foresee being sustainable.
Habits not sustainable = FAIL relationship EVENTUALLY.

Aiya, lazy to elaborate.
Go think on your own, if you have a brain.

If you don't have a brain, I doubt you need this shit too.
I mean, CAN YOU EVEN DIGEST?

Chapter 164:

2010-12-01T10:17:00.002+08:00

Heeheeeeeeee! ;)
Song stats at about 1 min!

I like listening to acoustics, 'cause I have the habit of breaking them down into individuals & matching each voice w the person.

.

Off to study Bio!
(I'm still in denial how my As can draaaaaaaaaag till Dec. Oh wells, done soon!)

Chapter 163:

2010-11-30T21:00:00.004+08:00

Hi, I've JUST rejected a job at the Inland Revenue Authority of Singapore (IRAS), and might be rejecting more.

I really want the Autistic internship.

Man, the opportunity costs incurred!
Sigh, I hope it's well worth it!

.

On a side note, prom-shopping is over and done with!
(:
(Went gai gai w G, Lij & Rach!)

& I'm a carefree girl now.

(Don't remind me that technically my A Levels has yet to be over.)

.

Teeheehee, had dinner w nana & lulu!
;)

.

DO YOU KNOW?
(I don't know from when,)

But, the word convoluted has always been spelled convulated to me!
Major big difference, baby!

Chapter 162:

2010-11-30T10:33:00.006+08:00

Top 10 books/series I shall (re-)read: (in no order)

Harry Potter - J K Rowling

Never read a single word from any of the 7 books. (Y)

I don't care if you expect Daniel Radcliffe, one should always celebrate her beauty! Hehehehe!

Life of Pi - Yann Martel

Atonement - Ian McEwan

Schooling - Heather McGowan

The Reader - Bernhard Schlink

I MUST READ THIS: it's about the difficulties which subsequent generations have in comprehending the Holocaust.

I wanna watch the movie tooooo! Kate Winslet is pretty too! Hahaha, I'm so pervy.

Jane Austen's works

Holding on the Mansfield Park for the moment!

Aldous Huxley's works

Brave New World is a must read, people!

H.G. Well's works

A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket & Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography

This is a re-read for me; pardon me for re-living me childhood.
But anyway, who else besides me think that Snicket seems odd?
Like, real odd!

Apparently Wikipedia save the day. (yet again)
Snicket is both the author's pen name, and a character in the book.
(Don't ask me how one's brain can get so utterly convoluted.)

Works of the Brontë sisters : Charlotte, Emily & Anne

Heeheee, somehow, I doubt all the time till University will be enough for me.
But will, with great dreams come great achievements. (I hope.)

& Don't worry, I'm not turning into some big nerd.
Frivolous books are always welcome, since some of the above mentioned books will no doubt put me to sleep.
(It isn't supposed to, but well....)

Chapter 161:

2010-11-30T10:02:00.005+08:00

Heh, sorry for the lack of update!
I was totally off techno-stuff for like 2 days!

Teehee, 8 tai! But we capped at 5.

.

My sleep routine is not very good recently, being unable to wake up very early.
My my, do remind me that BioP1 is a 8am paper.
Shucks.

.

Anyway!
I spent the last 2 days finishing up 3 books (evidently not A levels related)!
& this makes me very happy.

WAHAHAHAHA.
How long is it since I properly read without feeling guilt/falling asleep?

.

Meeting G & Lij later to study & shop.
(Or rather I'm late meeting them! Hahaha)

.

Chapter 160:

2010-11-27T22:10:00.004+08:00

Hehehehehehehehe!
At TingYan's house to Mahjong overnight!
(With STUPID JAYKEN WHO IS LATE, & Lester.)

WIN $$, WIN $$!
Heheheheheh!

.

Went for Youth for Autism interview yesterday; it lasted for 30 minutes.
Pray for me aye?

I REALLY WANT IT SO BADLY 'cause autism has always been an interest area for me.
& I'm actually contemplating becoming a Special Education teacher.

Sigh, I really hope I'll get in!
;)

.

I want to watch Walking with Dinosaurs.
It's very expensive.
Sigh, I'm gonna consider x 1ooooooooo.
:(

Chapter 159:

2010-11-26T00:47:00.003+08:00

Conversations with the charming brother:

Bro: Eh, you got cute shampoo? I got cute body foam and cute facial wash.
(By cute he means those small and convenient packs; & he proceeded on to demonstrate by showing me.)
Me: No ley. But I got cute person. *points to self & GRINS*

*Bro walks off*

.

Bro: Eh, how do I transport the 2 balls ah? My bag only has room for one.
(He borrowed both of my volleyballs.)
Me: *Pulls at my t-shirt and pats the stomach* Hee.

*Bro walks off* x 2.

.

I think I am ingrained w the ability to exasperate people.
(Y)

.

You may think me weird, noting down such small little incidents, but I believe that it's small gestures along the way that build the foundation for most relationships.

Chapter 158:

2010-11-25T22:05:00.002+08:00

Out with Patrina & TingYan.
Gosh, it's been ages since I've properly went out with Ting.
♥!
We went to sit, talked & eat at the CoffeeClub at RafflesCity.
(The food's so not worth the price.)

Taken using the almighty iPhone4 (of TingYan)!

Heeeheeee!

.

I'm shortlisted for the Youth for Autistic programme.
& Yijia tooooo!

I'm over the moon!
I genuinely thought that they rejected us both!

Pray for me tomorrow!
;)