Saturday, June 26, 2010
Chapter 40:
at 04:57
Sometimes, life really doesn't give you what you want.
But again, I don't think I've worked extremely hard for it.
.
I hope when the time comes for the plans, the plans will work.
I really do hope so, 'cause I did put in effort for it.
But I don't have a good gut feeling 'bout it.
):
.
Bro is on guard duty today, so ain't home yet.
Actually, quite grateful towards him, genuinely.
'cause he keep helping to go to the fishfarm to help out this year, so I can concentrate on canoeing then in Feb-Apr, and studies now.
Only on rare occasions, when he needs to do guard duty, I'll go.
Hahhaa, and last year we all said he's the laziest.
(AND I KEEP WANTING TO BUY HIM A POLO TEE BUT HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO IT!)
I don't think I'm very close to my family (my fault, I guess) but at certain times, I'm still grateful for just the mere presence of them.
Ya know, it's like not super-ly close, but their existence brings normalcy and reassurances to your life.
Sometimes, I wonder, do I take them for granted to a LARGE extent.
As in, I think I for sure, do take them for granted, but is to what extent.
Though since young, I always had my own ideals towards a home.
But I think, it's because I already have a fundamentally warm home, thus I dare to dream for a better situation.
In the sense that I am brought up to believe in 'home'.
(Hahhaa, I think I'm talking in a language only I understand, but it's okay, MY BLOG.)
Yeapps, but I think, it's actually very hard to maintain a home?
What more one which is 6 member.
I mean, it's not just like SIMS or whatever yes, with only 1 mind controlling.
It's 6 unique personalties, and temperaments, and ideas, and opinions.
Gosh.
YEA!
& I think someone always makes the biggest sacrifice.
You know, I always begrudge mom for getting too hysterical at times, when having a quarrel with dad or something.
& I so hate those falling outs, which is so frequent in the past, but events which I just couldn't get used to and wake up crying.
& I really dislike it when she involve us the kids, like asking us to take a side.
I really don't like it.
& I remember breaking down in school, 'cause they quarreled in the morning, before they dropped me off in BPGHS.
LOL, it's quite dumb, now in retrospect.
But, I think, she really sacrificed a lot.
I mean, 4 kids is really very hard to bring up.
:/
I still remember all the stories which now we laughed about, but must have brought her a lot of troubles.
Hahahaha.
& I grew up to become a rebel at a certain point in time, and she slapped me, I still remember.
Sigh, the embarrassing past.
Yea, though she may be deemed as not keeping up with trends and whatever, I think it's really a package she chose to take in life.
I mean, to become a housewife is really...ZAI.
Can't imagine.
But ah, I've never seriously told her how I feel also.
& I get impatient and stuff.
Sigh.
Weird weird.
.
It's like 5.13 am and I'm doing this, I don't know what's wrong with me.
LOL.
.
And I wonder, after I truly grow up, will my ideals and aspirations in life change?
Will I still have time to render help to others?
Will i get so self-obsessed that I lose track of what I really want, and just work aimlessly, towards something I don't even know?
I always think that, no matter what you say in present, it's always only words.
By the time you get to the situation you imagined, your actions might by the complete opposite.
I hope this does not happen.
I respect my own principles in life a lot, so I hope I'll stick by them.
.
Yeapps, current goal for the moment:
- Become a regular blood donor (IF PASS)
But, again, it's actually a dilemma to just say you wanna volunteer and serve the community leh.
I mean, it's such a vague notion.
& Obviously I'm not a saint, and I can be materialistic (not to the extent of brand-conscious) and spend money $$$$, etc.
Just live life and play yea?
So, it's like, how dedicated can I get?
& I don't even have those noble aspirations in the first place.
o.o
LIKE ANIMALS! which I self-proclaim have no affinity to, and I am quite scared of them.
LIKE KIDS! which I sometimes find irritating, especially primary-school stage. All kids younger than 7 are cute, after that are nightmares.
AND ELDERLY. This is my worst aspects.
SIGH.
Ashamed of the last in fact.
JUST CANNOT.
But, okay, I think as I grow up, I do get better.
I'm not as scared of animals now, (especially cats and dogs), and I tend to find kids cute now.
HAHHAHAA.
Siao, I think age is getting to me.
:/
Anyway, POINT IS, I just need to think.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO W MY LIFE?
Work/family-oriented?
Migration?
Occupation?
Service?
Income?
Car?
House?
Too many '?', don't like.
>:(
.
Thus ends my jumbled thoughts, if you have any notion, feel free to inform me.
HAHAHAHA.
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& Obviously I'm not a saint, and I can be materialistic (not to the extent of brand-conscious) and spend money $$$$, etc.
Just live life and play yea?
So, it's like, how dedicated can I get?
& I don't even have those noble aspirations in the first place.
o.o
LIKE ANIMALS! which I self-proclaim have no affinity to, and I am quite scared of them.
LIKE KIDS! which I sometimes find irritating, especially primary-school stage. All kids younger than 7 are cute, after that are nightmares.
AND ELDERLY. This is my worst aspects.
SIGH.
Ashamed of the last in fact.
JUST CANNOT.
But, okay, I think as I grow up, I do get better.
I'm not as scared of animals now, (especially cats and dogs), and I tend to find kids cute now.
HAHHAHAA.
Siao, I think age is getting to me.
:/
Anyway, POINT IS, I just need to think.
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO W MY LIFE?
Work/family-oriented?
Migration?
Occupation?
Service?
Income?
Car?
House?
Too many '?', don't like.
>:(
.
Thus ends my jumbled thoughts, if you have any notion, feel free to inform me.
HAHAHAHA.
