Good morning world! I'm rejuvenated from yesterday.

The incident which totally disturbed me.

Well, ya know, I was truly feeling lost on Thursday, so I prayed.
My family is of the taoist religion, with all the 4 children more inclined towards being free-thinker but we still bai-bai on the major occasions.
(I also think we're kinda weird, hahhaa.)
However, we were sent to Christian school when we're young for the pre-education before primary school starts.

Yea, so I prayed.
& asked for guidance, & to be more aware of self & confidence, etc.
On a condition : that I can be sure of the presence of religion, that I can be certain the religion exist.

And the next day something too coincidental happened; it truly disturbed me.

I went to Woodlands Library, & this lady (50-60 years) approached me asking whether I can help her with her email & stuff.
She's really nice, being really polite, saying that if I'm too busy it's fine.
Turns out she's going to China to be a volunteer teacher.

So after I helped her, I thought nothing of it, till she suddenly passed me this piece of paper, which actually was about Christianity.

So yea, I'm quite amazed, but it may merely just be a coincidence.

Maybe.

.

AND I BOUGHT 8 BOOKS ON SALE AT POPULAR YESTERDAY.
(Y).



The life's just not interesting enough to sustain a blog.
Nah, just not in the mood this few days.

& Help, I simply CANNOT study. F.

Edited: I'm not gonna do the coffee, & I'm gonna end human contact today with:

Just for the darling girl I used to meet early, daily in school:

(& i dun need reply, but I do love you. (: For just being you, even if it means we've both changed & can't accept the current us. But it's great to know you accept me better than my self acceptance & i accept the you, regardless of time frame.)

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I'm gonna drink coffee + read the book I just borrowed.
Calm the brain.
Sigh, I don't know why I feel so downright bad now.
Could be pms (yet again.)

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the ex-boy:
Heh, I hope you can have what I don't have.
Jiayou, I don't like you, & I hope she loves you.

Let's get stuff out of the system:

You know I always wonder, is it just my problem but somehow people who are close to me are always changing.
I mean sure, there's always the same few but there's always moments I feel closer to certain people & other times another few.

Then, I wonder: Am I incapable of forming deep connections?

Maybe, I'm just freaking scared of the future, of you knowing more about me & concluding that I'm eventually not worth your time.
Maybe.

& I wonder is there a book to guide me along in life?
I sure as hell need one now.
I need a skip card just like in an UNO game.
But life's all about experiencing & learning.
But sometimes it's just so torturous and a pain in the ass.

I think too much.
But is there a button that say, "STOP THINKING."?
Same for caring, same for hurting, same for crying.

I wonder, should I narrow my spectrum of emotions?
It sure seems like I can manage to display a wide range, & there are moments I will trade no more overwhelming sadness for less happiness in life.
I sometimes feel myself trying to grasp on to tranquility & peace, & yet a second later I'm flying across the room for spontaneity.

& again, the same thought: Am I unable to keep still? (not like motionless, but stay in a state, albeit it being active & lievely, but stay in that damn stage.)

& then, I think I'm getting too cynical & wary, but I don't know how to stop.
Then, I feel that if I had started out a piece of white paper, I'm currently grey, but I don't know how to bleach it back to it's original.

And, I just feel kinda exhausted, kinda exasperated, kinda hopeless.
But I am still able to smile & carry on with life.

& I get too easily despaired over the silence in between our conversations, friends who are supposed to be close to me.
And I blame myself for not trying hard enough.
Though there's moments I tell myself to not try 'cause I feel that you don't prioritise me.

Then I think whether it's karma, 'cause there's situations when I don't reciprocate love others had shown towards me.

And I want someone that's there for me and me him.
But now there's no one that's like that and I don't like anyone.
& I was telling myself that I am to increase depth and not breadth of life, so no boyfriends until I think I am ready.
But I feel so tired sometimes that I want to know that there's someone there.

However, this would mean I might not actually like that person, just that he's convenient.
He's not even appeared, so next topic.
(& yes, I don't like the guy already. )

And I want to restart some unhappy things in my life.
Like HCanoe, though I'm currently quite contented with everyone, but there's always room for improvements, and shadows to kill.

I also pray that one day I stop being so opinionated so as to be more accommodating to others. Thought I take pride in being able to form a firm stand.

I feel an urgent need to do meaningful things & spend quality time with people worth it, but what?
& I feel so lost that I'm sorry to say, it's an irony to call me myself 'cause there's no self.

Has it ever occurred to you, sometimes, just sometimes, when I say I love you, I just want you to say you love me too?
Sincerely.
Just like all the other times when I tell you that.
Because at such occasions, I can't help feeling a little incomplete.

.

Dear ex-(going home partner of bus 67), I miss you.
& I can't sense you.
Or rather, there's nothing left to sense.
Is there?

I feel ultimately freaking-hell restless after a day of quite-productive studying. (with G)
Damn, & I have this gnawing feeling that I failed myself again.
& I wonder how to relieve myself from ingrained bad habits.

And I'm thinking about love, loved, loving, friends, once had, letting go, being happy, smiling, being brave, having courage, being yourself, not caring, being accountable, I suck, gut feelings, a levels, scholarships, uk, yijia, lu&pat, z, g, lij, durians, mango cheesecake, no food for rest of the night, sandy, hcanoe, xinfang, tingyan, being a bitch, friends who stay, friends you say goodbye to, friends you simply lost touch with, not being able to donate blood, crying.

All in split seconds.

Shit.

I need to talk, talk about everything under the sky, to myself & to someone.
But as I grow older, I hide more.
& I don't like it.

Okay, the only comprehensible thought I had was :

Let your life increase in depth before you ever consider the breadth.

Which to me just simply means : get committed, & more involved before letting yourself get sucked into other events.

.

To self: & where's the changes you talked about.
All talk, bah.

Went to Changi to sent the juniors off to Macau yesterday.
We went T3 to play the slide (G, Lij, SiMin & QiTian, not me 'cause I reached later) & drew on papers & wrote messages for the juniors, Yosef, & teachers, then to T1 to send them off, & back to T2 to train home.

I hope they'll put up a good fight.
It's true that it's a rare opportunity, what's more important is for them to keep the faith that they can do it, & simply because it's hard to tell yourself to give it your best shot when you will have doubts on the way.
But they're strong, the way I see it.
♥
Genuinely proud of the junior team, though I only have personal contact with only a few of them.











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& the ultimate!



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& I want to play the T3 slide! *pouts*
I travelled all the way there but didn't play.
Sheesh! ):

The trip back and fro is darn long!
):

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& this trip back to airport is too soon.
It reminds me of too much stuff.
But I was thinking, maybe it doesn't matter, but I keep telling myself, it should.
But for now, it's good. I fell alive & independent.


& I only have myself to blame for not stretching properly before & after.
this has got to be the worst bout of aches for the entire canoeing journey.
(yes, when I thought it has ended!)

Okay, so yesterday early in the morning I cabbed down to Bedok Reservoir! (Seriously, what's new!)
& we had sparring between the juniors & seniors, you really wouldn't want to know the results, but there's a reason why they're representing HwaChong in the international competition held in Macau in August.

Dragon boating!







We proceeded to Tampines1 to have lunch with juniors!









& it's jts of 09/10 S7H!
I met up with Deb, XiuHui & HoiMan earlier 'cause we all had stuffs earlier and is free way before the meeting time!








& some of us decided to spend more time together!

Arcade & midnight movie at iluma!
Yes, we're still taking A Levels, I don't know why we're so siao & spontaneous!
But I like! (:













& we watched Sorceror's Apprentice at midnight! (:

This ends my day! Or rather, started my Sunday. :D
But hell, when I sat up from the movie seat at 2am, it's crazy 'cause all the aches just settled in!

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Heh, the lovely people I meet in HwaChong!
Sometimes, I really think that while the class is just but an amalgamation of really different people, I like how the guys truly treats us like girls (They're really the ultimate gentlemen!), & how we accept & tolerate when other when the differences proved glaring.

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Yesterday was a day of rather quite a lot of thoughts, though it was tiring.
In between all these activities, I met people who are so deserving of my respect, & I can't help but tponder more deeply about such individuals I met in life, which include SiMin & the taxi driver who took me & Jia home.
Update more about this in next(or maybe next next, or maybe next next next) post!

Suddenly think that my future appears bleak.
This is genuinely a case of "the more you know, the less you know".

If only I'm born a millionaire.
Actually no, I'm not that greedy. I just want 70000 SGD (I even sincerely counted out the money I need.) for the next 3 years.
Wait, did I just hear myself saying I'm not greedy?

SIGH.
):


$$$ - root of all problems.

Seriously, why must a university education be so goddamned expensive.
Now, I feel guilty even for studying.
No, let's rephrase, to get grades capable of enrolling but not mighty enough to get a scholarship.

& now I'm interested in the world outside, but I think it's a demand that too unreasonable.

I say: shit.

Finishing G's testimonial now! :/

(& somehow I get this feeling that I'm generating a reflection for canoeing all over again; just with G in mind this time round.)


& then I shall attempt to fully wake myself & study!

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Today the same bus driver smiled at me! Hahahaha, (Y)
Somehow I sound like I'm in love w a bus driver, not that it's impossible, but point is, he's a 50-60ish uncle. LOL!

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Because I'm blessed with normalcy, hence I must live my best to the expectation of one. To be the best of myself, & to bring the best to others.

(Y) The blood drive is next week, 29 JULY! *BIG SMILE*

I brushed my teeth at 900pm, after I bathed, to prevent myself from drinking coffee.
Last I checked, there's an empty cup in front of me, with myself feeling happy & alert.
Gosh.

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& it's been a long time since I visited a blog of a teacher who had taught me back in BP.
And I discovered that she's pregnant!
Hahaha, & seems very contented w her life.

(:
Brightened up my day! Heh.

& I suddenly miss BP, 'cause I was sms-ing NguanHan & Brian today & read about tt teacher!

I think I can't donate blood tomorrow! ):
I think I shouldn't, 'cause having cough & flu, & just recovered from that lymph node inflammation thing. :/
Shucks!

& the nose still block like a choked toilet bowl.
(You know, when I brush my teeth, I literally foam & blow bubbles from the toothpaste 'cause I absolutely can't breathe through the nose!)

.

Anyway, just heard that RachelQuek just realised what my url means! >:(
If in Le : L if e

I hope you get it! It's life! (:
I am secretly in love with this username! Hahahaha! (:
(Of course it's because I deem it clever & it has LE inside! Heh ~)

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& I'm such a pig! I "napped" for 3 or 4 hours when it should only be 1 so as to not disrupt my sleep cycle (not that there was a significant one to start with)!

Hahahhaa, I'm in a jolly good mood today, 'cause I feel productive today, & I'm actually enjoying studying!
(for the day, that is, but I don't mind such situations stretching into weeks & months!)





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Did I tell you? Yesterday, I discovered a super fast route from home to school & vice versa! It's such a joy not to be trapped in cramped buses & reach home earlier!
Yeapps, & the bus driver smiled back at me when I smiled at him, so I like him! (:

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Back to the Land of Math! (:

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Recent days finally got back on track for my own life.

& I'm glad I did. (: It's just me, myself & I. Surviving well! :D

A Sudden Revelation




Dear me, please help me.
You're (I'm) the only soul who can help yourself (myself).
Thank you (me).

Okay great, currently slightly overwhelmed by events that are coming this week!

Saturday&Sunday!

• Dragon boating @ Bedok Reservoir
• jts @ Pasir Ris
• Gathering time for SHAPERUN cip - 2300!
• 4am on Sunday - Beginning of SHAPERUN!

Yes, thus explains my dilemma & my decision to camp at East side on Sat.
Luckily meeting w team+HaoXia is postponed & the jts no longer has overnight!
But, I'm still considering withdrawing from Shaperun. :/
Grah.

I like packed, but I don't like squeezy!
& I'm still thinking whether to go back for BP's 50th anniversary!

Hohohoho, time is not enough!
Gonna eat breakfast!
(Hahahahaha, my body clock is official screwed!)

You know, how I mentioned that I skipped to the last of the book just to know the ending:

At this very moment, I wished I could skipped right to mine.
I wished to know who would be there for me at the very end, & who have stayed on in my life.
Who were not worth the fight, & did I become who I want to be.

I once thought of going to those fortune tellers, but I think it too frightening, 'cause there's always the saying that once told, your life will never be the same again.
& it's always wrong to get the sneak preview.

But you know, I'm just too curious for my own good.
& I sometimes want to know who to treasure, who not to.

Which thus may suggest that it may not be a good thing for me to know at all.
'cause somethings are worth the fight though the end may not be what I had in mind.
(& I may not hold on tight enough if I know that it would not have changed anything)

But at moments like this (5am again, what's wrong with me.), I just wished to know more & to cheat a little.
To know who will love me, & who I will love;
& how I am as a grown-up leading my own life.

Hello, I personally think that it should be against the law to have sad story endings.
I'm serious.

I am very irritated now that My Sister's Keeper has such a unexpected & unaccepted (judging from my level) ending.
I'm someone who gets impatient when reading books so it's quite often to find me skipping to read the last few chapters.
& when it proves to be sad, I drop the book.

I DIDN'T JUMP TO THE ENDING FOR THIS BOOK.
& it turns out to be a sad one.
SIGH.

Life's too sad to not have happy endings in stories you read.
):
But again, it's such books that make you have deeper insights.

.

Anyway, one of the thoughts I gained it's just:

I'm fortunate not to be born into any situations that demands my commitment to it right from the start without my knowledge/consent & thus it's actually just up to me & my conscience to attach myself to any projects I come across in life.

Hereby proclaim that I'll make it a point to infuse my life with purpose via commitments. & that once I allow myself to step into one, I must complete it whole heartedly & with passion.
I mean, it's a choice made by me, & me only, and not coerced at all.
So why not?
Else, what ya gonna do about life?

Sometimes, it's not the act itself that seem so noble.
But that you actually make that decision to do it, that you're aware of the package it involves that really touches people.

Consciously aware of the misery that you're exposing yourself to beats being merely caught in it & accepting it.

.

Though I curse the ending, a book that is able to bring tears to your eyes is definitely a good one.
& I do have to applaud it for being so close to life.

& I'm taking steps back to being 100% independent 'cause it's much easier, & just plain pointless to not be.
& I love loving myself more.

.

I had a very fulfilling day yesterday!



Well, it may not seem much, but I had quite a happy day (in comparison to the day before, & I just like my days to be packed & accomplished)

Though when I awoke in the morning I was darn exasperated cause rainwater has attacked the home, & my notes (with NON-waterproof ink!).
Please sense my despair!

Yeapps, so was not in a pretty mood so I hope that Dad doesn't misunderstood me as being unwilling to help.



& on the bus home, I did an act of kindness.
So yesterday was just a day in which I try to negate my bad karma accumulated.

And eating with your mommy may not seem to be too big an issue but it is to me.
(Moreover I deliberately phone her to ask her out for dinner!)
(:
Hence my day ended on a rather high note.

.

It's true that I feel much lighter & happier after being kind.
Yet, it's also evident that sometimes I give excuses like I'm too busy to even try to be kinder & committed.

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Oh yes, I know I swore off books (as in novels) but, I saw My Sister's Keeper at home, & my itchy hands just picked it up.
Haven't finish, but it's already making me question a lot of stuff, & touched me.
Love such books. (:

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The rain is coming back so often & in large quantity that it no longer brings with it feelings of rejuvenation.

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The star I fell in ♥ with. (:
& the view from my house!
(I have a love for height that not many can understand; I like the vulnerability, but yet at the same time the beauty.)

There's so many things to do, & so many stupid things whiling my time away, & the stupid idiotic lack of self-discipline make me wanna cry.
Save me.
I wanna sleep, & crash.

):

Miserable max.

Thanks Z, though.

The avenue to de-stress is simply: crying.
Yet, again.
Loser, GRAH.

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Edited: Feeling much more calm! (:
SLEEP THERAPY NOW ♥

Yesterday, upon returning home in the evening, my mom went: Hello, 小宝贝, 我回来了!
I totally went: EEYER, YOU SIAO AH!
*shivers & goosebumps*

Hahaha, sometimes mommy is just cute.
& though it freaks me out, I secretly smile.

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Taking a break from sorting through photos after photos!
It's tiring man!
Viewing photos are a pleasure, but when you got a dateline to meet, it's freaking tiring!
):
What's more I'm so lost about what I have to do.
Persevere, babe!

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Was talking to Jia on the way home, & I think unfortunately, I'll have to admit that I write in the 2nd person perspective 'cause I'm scared of being too personal.
I get too overwhelmed at times by my own emotions.
& I fear letting on my insecurities & my absolute depression & sadness & things that are bothering way too much.

Recently, I've been feeling so inadequate that I end up feeling even more inadequate.
Where's the usual confidence darling?

& today I foresee that I'll be an easy victim of emotional abuse.
It's just that, I think I'll not be brave enough to walk away, & intrinsically, once you start to matter to me, I don't stop. I just don't.
Now, I tell myself that I must always love myself more & I must always know when I deserve better.
I believe that I can currently (in fact I'm rather good at it!), but this is when it hasn't happen.
But I doubt when it does I have the courage to save myself.
This is too truthful & I'm finally speaking from the first person voice.
It's kinda daunting.


2nd post in a day:


Personally, I deem it a personal failure to have such a thought & dislike myself for being so insecure.
But I really do ponder.

How good is good?

With everyone so unique & different, the definition somehow varies.
But, most importantly am I good enough for the people I want to be for?
I hope I am, but I doubt.

.

I'd made a promise to myself last week to become better.
I'm losing focus again; stay on track, darling.
Don't let yourself down.
YOU CAN DO IT. *BIG SMILE*

I was just thinking, that all my posts talks about my life in the 2nd person perspective.

(Even those from super long ago blogs, I HAVE 6 blogs INCLUDING THIS ONE, CRAZY OR WHAT; but only this particular one is active! I just can't delete them away, one had 372 posts!)

But yes, point is (me & my digressing skills again.) I was just thinking whether I expressed myself this way to isolate the problems away from me?

i.e. I would write something along the line, "Don't you feel..."
But in actually fact it's me feeling that way but wouldn't admit, or trying not to admit.

& I just reflected: Is this my way of (i) escaping from the problems or (ii) making an attempt to synthesis & digesting them by taking a step back?

Have not yet came to a conclusion; why not you tell me?

.

It's Johnathon's 18!

He was very thick-skinned & requested for me to wish him the day before.
& we planned to watch Despicable Me.
But ah well, felt quite bad we didn't prepare a cake so here it is:







& yes, was very tired yesterday that I was afraid I would sleep in the movie!
):
I seriously think I need to repay off my sleep debts, 'cause I keep sleeping >12 hours but I'll still be able to sleep more.
I wonder when did I started to accumulate them.

& I missed my stop 'cause I overslept on the way home!
I thought such things only happened when I had trainings.
Apparently I'm just a pig, luckily it was just a stop, Phew!

.

& I think, sometimes you only feel closer to certain people only in a certain setting.
You may not want to let go, but too bad, life might already have been written out like a script, & you're just a stupid actor, having no say in what your role is.

(See what I mean, 2nd perspective, AGAIN.)



MY WEEKEND



























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OH YES, if you realised, I cut my hair!
Hahahah, everyone prefer the current one, 'cause they like me cooler & less feminine.

.

& THE BEST FOR THE LAST.
When I was SEVEN:



Thanks, I had a traumatic childhood because of this.
Maybe that's why I turned out so screwed.
HAHAHHAHAHAHA!

& yes, I was always misunderstood to be a lil' boy & was depressed as a result!
(YOU KNOW I EVEN HAD CLEANING LADIES DISALLOWING ME TO ENTER THE TOILET! ~!@#$%^&*())
But I had eczema then, so mom REFUSED to allow me to keep my hair long.

When I was primary 5, she finally allowed, so I didn't keep my hair short until JC!
A long time hur!
Then, I got too stressed so BYE HAIR!
(Just after 1 or 2 months of school! Hahaha; kinda regret! The hair was till the totally down the back till the waist!)

I might keep it long after As again 'cause I miss long hair but I don't wanna tie hair to school everyday!

.

OFF TO WATCH TEEEVEE & STUDY (:

I slept for 15hours & I'm still tired!
I was supposed to wake up at midnight, but ah wells, I only woke at..6am!
The time to prepare for school.
& I missed 2 phone calls & totally ignored 6 sms.
Gosh.

I should seriously repay my sleep debts!

.

Hmm, saw Jaron while at Marina Square on Sunday. (or rather, he saw me!)
& after cip, headed off to G's house to study+watch match+sleepover.
Lij & Rach came later.

THEN! AT 2345 I REALISED SOMETHING!
I forgot to tell mom I wasn't going home.
HAHAHHA, & she was already sleeping when I called.

& Lij & G convinced us to self-declare holiday, so we only reached school at 955 am.
:/

.

My weekend was p.a.c.k.e.d & regrettably I didn't study much!
):
(Shall update more later~)
How's yours?

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HEREBY PROCLAIM THAT THIS WEEK SHALL BE A DISCIPLINED WEEK!

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SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL.
BYE!

Posting in advance ! (What kind of nonsense is this?!)
'cause next 2 days gonna be out of house for >12hours!

I will be at Marina Square Atrium, Level 2 with the GIRLS ♥ !
Hahaha, we'll be helping out with ShapeRun2010!
NO WE ARE NOT RUNNING. LOL!
We're giving out race packs on Sat & Sun.
A little stressed 'cause time is tight & I need to do a lot of things.
But, okay, I think it'll be time worth spending! (:

.

& partly 'cause I just wanna type & sort out thoughts.
'cause it's 2 am, & I'm a nocturnal animal, so I think when there's no daylight.
Hahahaha, even my daddy think I'm crazy 'cause I always stay up & sleep in the day.

(Maybe this explains the reliance on caffeine.)


Before I napped just now, I told myself, when you wake you must be cheery again!
Hahahhaa!
Pre-sleeping self-hypnosis.

'cause I was explaining to myself, (you know, the rational vs the irrational part of myself) that some things are often inevitable.
As much as I'm against it, they still happen.
Be it poverty, inequality or just the end of the world.
There's many things I want to change, but I'm not in the position to.

It's just that when I thought I was in the position to do so, & tried, and failed, it sucks.

Then I began asking myself whether all these are karma 'cause I made life difficult for people last time.
Sigh.

.

& I was thinking, really, there is no such thing as empathy in the world.
I mean, how many times have one told you, "Aww, I understand.".
But, do they?
How can they?

They can try, but they can't.
They don't have my perspective, my principles, my values, the situation, and everything that happens to YOU it's just personal to YOU & YOU ONLY.
I agree, there's always similar situation, but for me, definition of empathy is 100% understanding.
Which I deemed impossible to achieve & will never occur.

THOUGH, it's still good to share your troubles! (:

& to my, there's GOOD sympathy & BAD sympathy which totally is somewhat equivalent to PITY.
I don't really get the idea of sympathy anyway.
Just feel that there's this superiority-inferiority complex involved, which I totally DISLIKE.

To decide in the moment to sympathise with this person simply shows that one think that he/she is in a better state & thus is in a position to feel sorry for that person.
No?

Then, question is, what makes him/her thinks that he/she CAN sympathise?

I.e. A well-bodied person sympathising with (or even pitying) a handicapped individual.
Why should the well-bodied person do it?
For all I know, the handicapped could jolly well be a genius, or maybe not to the extent.
He could actually just be contented with his lot in life.

& again it's my motto in life: 'cause he might be spiritually more substantiated & better able to withstand such obstacles in life hence 'chosen' to be the one.

Yes la, you and I both can be contented with what we have in life, be it wealth, health, or stealth.
(Okay, I just wanna rhyme; but you can be a thief/spy you know!)

But possessing something doesn't mean that I am in a better position in life yea?
Indeed, society places differing values on all the varied items in life, but actually, it means nothing too.

Aiya, I just don't like passing remarks people make that comes out with a tinge of sneer & superiority.
Makes me think, "What make you think you should?"

.

THIS IS RANDOM, BUT!


I think, everyone is cute in their own little way, sweet in their own personal thoughts.
It's just whether you take time to break down their defenses.
Though obviously, there's always people who are cuter than others.

But define cute.
It differs from people to people.
So I think, different people find different people cute, & at the end of the day, everybody just has someone who appreciates them.
In my PERFECT world, that is.

Or maybe this does happen, just that the saddest thing is, the person you find cute may not reciprocate the feeling.

.

I'm really think a lot when it's dark hur.
I still wanna rattle off, but let's go do some work!
(:

Not in a pretty mood today. ~!@#$%^&*(), ji dan.

I'm totally annoyed & frustrated.
It's nothing personal, but I don't like seeing such episodes flash by in my life.

WHY MUST EXCLUSION EXIST.
& sometimes it's just so deliberate I feel exasperated.
Everytime such things arises, previous incidents just do a film roll thingy in my head & I just feel upset.
UPSET!

Why do we prioritise certain people over others, when actually, we went through the same journey together?
It could be a cca, a class, or just a random group of people selected to go on a overseas trip together.

Don't give me nonsense like, "oh we didn't know you guys are free."
Bah.

OKAY, TOHJIALE, STOP GETTING BOTHERED!
(But I am, I am.)

It's just that you know, sometimes, certain events were special in my heart.
But because of such things, the value of the event falls a little, & I just can't let go of it.

.

Celebrated LimMin's birthday w team! (:
Had breakfast tgt! Thanks Yix for organising!
It's been long since I've seen us as a whole.

.

I'm really quite upset.
):

HUISHAN!♥

Was talking to G on bus, & I talked about HuiShan.
& I MUST NOTE DOWN THIS INCIDENT.

(I can't remember the exact day alr! But it's one of the last at MacRitchie!)

Goal: To stop alternate kick - i.e. paddle right lean right, paddle left lean left.

'Cause apparently, Shan & me were not very well suited 'cause of habits and thus we tend to be in conflict like tilting of the boat.
Yeapps, that's why we couldn't do in on the AK! ):
Yes, and time wasn't really on our side, so I really tried very hard on that day 'cause I feel that it's my habit that must be changed!

& I got very desperate and demoralised.
'Cause I keep making the boat tilt in the way she's not used to, and I feel guilty and like a burden.

Yea, and my voice shook in the middle of the training 'cause I felt super helpless and exasperated and all the tons of negative feeling of uselessness.
Hahhaa, I still remember trying to tell time to her in a normal voice.

& finally after one failed set, I told her : Shan, give me 10 seconds.
Then I started crying behind her, and I think stunned her.
LOL!

Hahhaa, and between sobs I went, "30 seconds, 15..." etc.

But I just want to say : She's always there!

Like when I selfishly cried after K2-1000m semis ON THE BOAT DIRECTLY BEHIND HER, when I know well that she's equally affected and disappointed but is always willing herself not to cry.
):

Though now, we're really nowhere close, but I still love her!
I mean, I sometimes think it's a deliberate choice and attempt to be aloof, but since it's a decision, I do respect it!

& I was always overjoyed when someone told me that HuiShan become more crazy, high & like a kid when she was with me.
I'm glad to be there to influence her to be more like me!
(Though I'm not entirely sure this is a good thing! I mean, ME! Like, crazy you know?!?!)

Ya, & this bring me to the next thing!
Laughing on the boat doesn't mean we were not serious k?
We just had fun paddling TOGETHER!
Hahahah, though we giggled & chuckled frequently!
But all inside joke ma! That's what make life sweet!

I STILL CANNOT GET OVER MARKUS BANNING US FROM WATER & TRAINING THAT ONE TRAINING CAUSE HE SAID WE WEREN'T SERIOUS TO TRAIN!

Soccer!

WeiLun betted on the match just now.



NOW I DON'T GET A TREAT! ):

ChengXin

Dear girl, I hope you're living well.
I just suddenly thought of you while uploading moments that made me smile onto my phone.
I paused at your photo..

Sigh, I still remember the tears, both mine & yours..
Sigh x 10000000.
But of course, the joy I had. (:






.

it'sYOU
You never fail to surprise me.
& even for things that doesn't directly concern me, I smile.
Thanks.

.

Hi, just had my first caffeine shot of the day!
LOL! (:

If coffee ceased to exist suddenly, I'll cry. Newer Posts

tohjiale
22/12/92
jiale22@hotmail.com
HCanoe
red;orange;yellow

Good morning world! I'm rejuvenated from yesterday.

The incident which totally disturbed me.

Well, ya know, I was truly feeling lost on Thursday, so I prayed.
My family is of the taoist religion, with all the 4 children more inclined towards being free-thinker but we still bai-bai on the major occasions.
(I also think we're kinda weird, hahhaa.)
However, we were sent to Christian school when we're young for the pre-education before primary school starts.

Yea, so I prayed.
& asked for guidance, & to be more aware of self & confidence, etc.
On a condition : that I can be sure of the presence of religion, that I can be certain the religion exist.

And the next day something too coincidental happened; it truly disturbed me.

I went to Woodlands Library, & this lady (50-60 years) approached me asking whether I can help her with her email & stuff.
She's really nice, being really polite, saying that if I'm too busy it's fine.
Turns out she's going to China to be a volunteer teacher.

So after I helped her, I thought nothing of it, till she suddenly passed me this piece of paper, which actually was about Christianity.

So yea, I'm quite amazed, but it may merely just be a coincidence.

Maybe.

.

AND I BOUGHT 8 BOOKS ON SALE AT POPULAR YESTERDAY.
(Y).


The life's just not interesting enough to sustain a blog.
Nah, just not in the mood this few days.

& Help, I simply CANNOT study. F.
Edited: I'm not gonna do the coffee, & I'm gonna end human contact today with:

Just for the darling girl I used to meet early, daily in school:

(& i dun need reply, but I do love you. (: For just being you, even if it means we've both changed & can't accept the current us. But it's great to know you accept me better than my self acceptance & i accept the you, regardless of time frame.)

.

I'm gonna drink coffee + read the book I just borrowed.
Calm the brain.
Sigh, I don't know why I feel so downright bad now.
Could be pms (yet again.)

.

the ex-boy:
Heh, I hope you can have what I don't have.
Jiayou, I don't like you, & I hope she loves you.
Let's get stuff out of the system:

You know I always wonder, is it just my problem but somehow people who are close to me are always changing.
I mean sure, there's always the same few but there's always moments I feel closer to certain people & other times another few.

Then, I wonder: Am I incapable of forming deep connections?

Maybe, I'm just freaking scared of the future, of you knowing more about me & concluding that I'm eventually not worth your time.
Maybe.

& I wonder is there a book to guide me along in life?
I sure as hell need one now.
I need a skip card just like in an UNO game.
But life's all about experiencing & learning.
But sometimes it's just so torturous and a pain in the ass.

I think too much.
But is there a button that say, "STOP THINKING."?
Same for caring, same for hurting, same for crying.

I wonder, should I narrow my spectrum of emotions?
It sure seems like I can manage to display a wide range, & there are moments I will trade no more overwhelming sadness for less happiness in life.
I sometimes feel myself trying to grasp on to tranquility & peace, & yet a second later I'm flying across the room for spontaneity.

& again, the same thought: Am I unable to keep still? (not like motionless, but stay in a state, albeit it being active & lievely, but stay in that damn stage.)

& then, I think I'm getting too cynical & wary, but I don't know how to stop.
Then, I feel that if I had started out a piece of white paper, I'm currently grey, but I don't know how to bleach it back to it's original.

And, I just feel kinda exhausted, kinda exasperated, kinda hopeless.
But I am still able to smile & carry on with life.

& I get too easily despaired over the silence in between our conversations, friends who are supposed to be close to me.
And I blame myself for not trying hard enough.
Though there's moments I tell myself to not try 'cause I feel that you don't prioritise me.

Then I think whether it's karma, 'cause there's situations when I don't reciprocate love others had shown towards me.

And I want someone that's there for me and me him.
But now there's no one that's like that and I don't like anyone.
& I was telling myself that I am to increase depth and not breadth of life, so no boyfriends until I think I am ready.
But I feel so tired sometimes that I want to know that there's someone there.

However, this would mean I might not actually like that person, just that he's convenient.
He's not even appeared, so next topic.
(& yes, I don't like the guy already. )

And I want to restart some unhappy things in my life.
Like HCanoe, though I'm currently quite contented with everyone, but there's always room for improvements, and shadows to kill.

I also pray that one day I stop being so opinionated so as to be more accommodating to others. Thought I take pride in being able to form a firm stand.

I feel an urgent need to do meaningful things & spend quality time with people worth it, but what?
& I feel so lost that I'm sorry to say, it's an irony to call me myself 'cause there's no self.

Has it ever occurred to you, sometimes, just sometimes, when I say I love you, I just want you to say you love me too?
Sincerely.
Just like all the other times when I tell you that.
Because at such occasions, I can't help feeling a little incomplete.

.

Dear ex-(going home partner of bus 67), I miss you.
& I can't sense you.
Or rather, there's nothing left to sense.
Is there?
I feel ultimately freaking-hell restless after a day of quite-productive studying. (with G)
Damn, & I have this gnawing feeling that I failed myself again.
& I wonder how to relieve myself from ingrained bad habits.

And I'm thinking about love, loved, loving, friends, once had, letting go, being happy, smiling, being brave, having courage, being yourself, not caring, being accountable, I suck, gut feelings, a levels, scholarships, uk, yijia, lu&pat, z, g, lij, durians, mango cheesecake, no food for rest of the night, sandy, hcanoe, xinfang, tingyan, being a bitch, friends who stay, friends you say goodbye to, friends you simply lost touch with, not being able to donate blood, crying.

All in split seconds.

Shit.

I need to talk, talk about everything under the sky, to myself & to someone.
But as I grow older, I hide more.
& I don't like it.

Okay, the only comprehensible thought I had was :

Let your life increase in depth before you ever consider the breadth.

Which to me just simply means : get committed, & more involved before letting yourself get sucked into other events.

.

To self: & where's the changes you talked about.
All talk, bah.
Went to Changi to sent the juniors off to Macau yesterday.
We went T3 to play the slide (G, Lij, SiMin & QiTian, not me 'cause I reached later) & drew on papers & wrote messages for the juniors, Yosef, & teachers, then to T1 to send them off, & back to T2 to train home.

I hope they'll put up a good fight.
It's true that it's a rare opportunity, what's more important is for them to keep the faith that they can do it, & simply because it's hard to tell yourself to give it your best shot when you will have doubts on the way.
But they're strong, the way I see it.
♥
Genuinely proud of the junior team, though I only have personal contact with only a few of them.











.

& the ultimate!



.

& I want to play the T3 slide! *pouts*
I travelled all the way there but didn't play.
Sheesh! ):

The trip back and fro is darn long!
):

.

& this trip back to airport is too soon.
It reminds me of too much stuff.
But I was thinking, maybe it doesn't matter, but I keep telling myself, it should.
But for now, it's good. I fell alive & independent.

& I only have myself to blame for not stretching properly before & after.
this has got to be the worst bout of aches for the entire canoeing journey.
(yes, when I thought it has ended!)

Okay, so yesterday early in the morning I cabbed down to Bedok Reservoir! (Seriously, what's new!)
& we had sparring between the juniors & seniors, you really wouldn't want to know the results, but there's a reason why they're representing HwaChong in the international competition held in Macau in August.

Dragon boating!







We proceeded to Tampines1 to have lunch with juniors!









& it's jts of 09/10 S7H!
I met up with Deb, XiuHui & HoiMan earlier 'cause we all had stuffs earlier and is free way before the meeting time!








& some of us decided to spend more time together!

Arcade & midnight movie at iluma!
Yes, we're still taking A Levels, I don't know why we're so siao & spontaneous!
But I like! (:













& we watched Sorceror's Apprentice at midnight! (:

This ends my day! Or rather, started my Sunday. :D
But hell, when I sat up from the movie seat at 2am, it's crazy 'cause all the aches just settled in!

.

Heh, the lovely people I meet in HwaChong!
Sometimes, I really think that while the class is just but an amalgamation of really different people, I like how the guys truly treats us like girls (They're really the ultimate gentlemen!), & how we accept & tolerate when other when the differences proved glaring.

.

Yesterday was a day of rather quite a lot of thoughts, though it was tiring.
In between all these activities, I met people who are so deserving of my respect, & I can't help but tponder more deeply about such individuals I met in life, which include SiMin & the taxi driver who took me & Jia home.
Update more about this in next(or maybe next next, or maybe next next next) post!
Suddenly think that my future appears bleak.
This is genuinely a case of "the more you know, the less you know".

If only I'm born a millionaire.
Actually no, I'm not that greedy. I just want 70000 SGD (I even sincerely counted out the money I need.) for the next 3 years.
Wait, did I just hear myself saying I'm not greedy?

SIGH.
):


$$$ - root of all problems.

Seriously, why must a university education be so goddamned expensive.
Now, I feel guilty even for studying.
No, let's rephrase, to get grades capable of enrolling but not mighty enough to get a scholarship.

& now I'm interested in the world outside, but I think it's a demand that too unreasonable.

I say: shit.
Finishing G's testimonial now! :/

(& somehow I get this feeling that I'm generating a reflection for canoeing all over again; just with G in mind this time round.)


& then I shall attempt to fully wake myself & study!

.

Today the same bus driver smiled at me! Hahahaha, (Y)
Somehow I sound like I'm in love w a bus driver, not that it's impossible, but point is, he's a 50-60ish uncle. LOL!

.

Because I'm blessed with normalcy, hence I must live my best to the expectation of one. To be the best of myself, & to bring the best to others.

(Y) The blood drive is next week, 29 JULY! *BIG SMILE*

I brushed my teeth at 900pm, after I bathed, to prevent myself from drinking coffee.
Last I checked, there's an empty cup in front of me, with myself feeling happy & alert.
Gosh.

.

& it's been a long time since I visited a blog of a teacher who had taught me back in BP.
And I discovered that she's pregnant!
Hahaha, & seems very contented w her life.

(:
Brightened up my day! Heh.

& I suddenly miss BP, 'cause I was sms-ing NguanHan & Brian today & read about tt teacher!
I think I can't donate blood tomorrow! ):
I think I shouldn't, 'cause having cough & flu, & just recovered from that lymph node inflammation thing. :/
Shucks!

& the nose still block like a choked toilet bowl.
(You know, when I brush my teeth, I literally foam & blow bubbles from the toothpaste 'cause I absolutely can't breathe through the nose!)

.

Anyway, just heard that RachelQuek just realised what my url means! >:(
If in Le : L if e

I hope you get it! It's life! (:
I am secretly in love with this username! Hahahaha! (:
(Of course it's because I deem it clever & it has LE inside! Heh ~)

.

& I'm such a pig! I "napped" for 3 or 4 hours when it should only be 1 so as to not disrupt my sleep cycle (not that there was a significant one to start with)!
Hahahhaa, I'm in a jolly good mood today, 'cause I feel productive today, & I'm actually enjoying studying!
(for the day, that is, but I don't mind such situations stretching into weeks & months!)





.

Did I tell you? Yesterday, I discovered a super fast route from home to school & vice versa! It's such a joy not to be trapped in cramped buses & reach home earlier!
Yeapps, & the bus driver smiled back at me when I smiled at him, so I like him! (:

.

Back to the Land of Math! (:

.

Recent days finally got back on track for my own life.

& I'm glad I did. (: It's just me, myself & I. Surviving well! :D
A Sudden Revelation




Dear me, please help me.
You're (I'm) the only soul who can help yourself (myself).
Thank you (me).
Okay great, currently slightly overwhelmed by events that are coming this week!

Saturday&Sunday!

• Dragon boating @ Bedok Reservoir
• jts @ Pasir Ris
• Gathering time for SHAPERUN cip - 2300!
• 4am on Sunday - Beginning of SHAPERUN!

Yes, thus explains my dilemma & my decision to camp at East side on Sat.
Luckily meeting w team+HaoXia is postponed & the jts no longer has overnight!
But, I'm still considering withdrawing from Shaperun. :/
Grah.

I like packed, but I don't like squeezy!
& I'm still thinking whether to go back for BP's 50th anniversary!

Hohohoho, time is not enough!
Gonna eat breakfast!
(Hahahahaha, my body clock is official screwed!)
You know, how I mentioned that I skipped to the last of the book just to know the ending:

At this very moment, I wished I could skipped right to mine.
I wished to know who would be there for me at the very end, & who have stayed on in my life.
Who were not worth the fight, & did I become who I want to be.

I once thought of going to those fortune tellers, but I think it too frightening, 'cause there's always the saying that once told, your life will never be the same again.
& it's always wrong to get the sneak preview.

But you know, I'm just too curious for my own good.
& I sometimes want to know who to treasure, who not to.

Which thus may suggest that it may not be a good thing for me to know at all.
'cause somethings are worth the fight though the end may not be what I had in mind.
(& I may not hold on tight enough if I know that it would not have changed anything)

But at moments like this (5am again, what's wrong with me.), I just wished to know more & to cheat a little.
To know who will love me, & who I will love;
& how I am as a grown-up leading my own life.
Hello, I personally think that it should be against the law to have sad story endings.
I'm serious.

I am very irritated now that My Sister's Keeper has such a unexpected & unaccepted (judging from my level) ending.
I'm someone who gets impatient when reading books so it's quite often to find me skipping to read the last few chapters.
& when it proves to be sad, I drop the book.

I DIDN'T JUMP TO THE ENDING FOR THIS BOOK.
& it turns out to be a sad one.
SIGH.

Life's too sad to not have happy endings in stories you read.
):
But again, it's such books that make you have deeper insights.

.

Anyway, one of the thoughts I gained it's just:

I'm fortunate not to be born into any situations that demands my commitment to it right from the start without my knowledge/consent & thus it's actually just up to me & my conscience to attach myself to any projects I come across in life.

Hereby proclaim that I'll make it a point to infuse my life with purpose via commitments. & that once I allow myself to step into one, I must complete it whole heartedly & with passion.
I mean, it's a choice made by me, & me only, and not coerced at all.
So why not?
Else, what ya gonna do about life?

Sometimes, it's not the act itself that seem so noble.
But that you actually make that decision to do it, that you're aware of the package it involves that really touches people.

Consciously aware of the misery that you're exposing yourself to beats being merely caught in it & accepting it.

.

Though I curse the ending, a book that is able to bring tears to your eyes is definitely a good one.
& I do have to applaud it for being so close to life.
& I'm taking steps back to being 100% independent 'cause it's much easier, & just plain pointless to not be.
& I love loving myself more.

.

I had a very fulfilling day yesterday!



Well, it may not seem much, but I had quite a happy day (in comparison to the day before, & I just like my days to be packed & accomplished)

Though when I awoke in the morning I was darn exasperated cause rainwater has attacked the home, & my notes (with NON-waterproof ink!).
Please sense my despair!

Yeapps, so was not in a pretty mood so I hope that Dad doesn't misunderstood me as being unwilling to help.



& on the bus home, I did an act of kindness.
So yesterday was just a day in which I try to negate my bad karma accumulated.

And eating with your mommy may not seem to be too big an issue but it is to me.
(Moreover I deliberately phone her to ask her out for dinner!)
(:
Hence my day ended on a rather high note.

.

It's true that I feel much lighter & happier after being kind.
Yet, it's also evident that sometimes I give excuses like I'm too busy to even try to be kinder & committed.

.

Oh yes, I know I swore off books (as in novels) but, I saw My Sister's Keeper at home, & my itchy hands just picked it up.
Haven't finish, but it's already making me question a lot of stuff, & touched me.
Love such books. (:

.

The rain is coming back so often & in large quantity that it no longer brings with it feelings of rejuvenation.

.


The star I fell in ♥ with. (:
& the view from my house!
(I have a love for height that not many can understand; I like the vulnerability, but yet at the same time the beauty.)
There's so many things to do, & so many stupid things whiling my time away, & the stupid idiotic lack of self-discipline make me wanna cry.
Save me.
I wanna sleep, & crash.

):

Miserable max.

Thanks Z, though.

The avenue to de-stress is simply: crying.
Yet, again.
Loser, GRAH.

.

Edited: Feeling much more calm! (:
SLEEP THERAPY NOW ♥
Yesterday, upon returning home in the evening, my mom went: Hello, 小宝贝, 我回来了!
I totally went: EEYER, YOU SIAO AH!
*shivers & goosebumps*

Hahaha, sometimes mommy is just cute.
& though it freaks me out, I secretly smile.

.

Taking a break from sorting through photos after photos!
It's tiring man!
Viewing photos are a pleasure, but when you got a dateline to meet, it's freaking tiring!
):
What's more I'm so lost about what I have to do.
Persevere, babe!

.

Was talking to Jia on the way home, & I think unfortunately, I'll have to admit that I write in the 2nd person perspective 'cause I'm scared of being too personal.
I get too overwhelmed at times by my own emotions.
& I fear letting on my insecurities & my absolute depression & sadness & things that are bothering way too much.

Recently, I've been feeling so inadequate that I end up feeling even more inadequate.
Where's the usual confidence darling?

& today I foresee that I'll be an easy victim of emotional abuse.
It's just that, I think I'll not be brave enough to walk away, & intrinsically, once you start to matter to me, I don't stop. I just don't.
Now, I tell myself that I must always love myself more & I must always know when I deserve better.
I believe that I can currently (in fact I'm rather good at it!), but this is when it hasn't happen.
But I doubt when it does I have the courage to save myself.
This is too truthful & I'm finally speaking from the first person voice.
It's kinda daunting.

2nd post in a day:


Personally, I deem it a personal failure to have such a thought & dislike myself for being so insecure.
But I really do ponder.

How good is good?

With everyone so unique & different, the definition somehow varies.
But, most importantly am I good enough for the people I want to be for?
I hope I am, but I doubt.

.

I'd made a promise to myself last week to become better.
I'm losing focus again; stay on track, darling.
Don't let yourself down.
YOU CAN DO IT. *BIG SMILE*

I was just thinking, that all my posts talks about my life in the 2nd person perspective.

(Even those from super long ago blogs, I HAVE 6 blogs INCLUDING THIS ONE, CRAZY OR WHAT; but only this particular one is active! I just can't delete them away, one had 372 posts!)

But yes, point is (me & my digressing skills again.) I was just thinking whether I expressed myself this way to isolate the problems away from me?

i.e. I would write something along the line, "Don't you feel..."
But in actually fact it's me feeling that way but wouldn't admit, or trying not to admit.

& I just reflected: Is this my way of (i) escaping from the problems or (ii) making an attempt to synthesis & digesting them by taking a step back?

Have not yet came to a conclusion; why not you tell me?

.

It's Johnathon's 18!

He was very thick-skinned & requested for me to wish him the day before.
& we planned to watch Despicable Me.
But ah well, felt quite bad we didn't prepare a cake so here it is:







& yes, was very tired yesterday that I was afraid I would sleep in the movie!
):
I seriously think I need to repay off my sleep debts, 'cause I keep sleeping >12 hours but I'll still be able to sleep more.
I wonder when did I started to accumulate them.

& I missed my stop 'cause I overslept on the way home!
I thought such things only happened when I had trainings.
Apparently I'm just a pig, luckily it was just a stop, Phew!

.

& I think, sometimes you only feel closer to certain people only in a certain setting.
You may not want to let go, but too bad, life might already have been written out like a script, & you're just a stupid actor, having no say in what your role is.

(See what I mean, 2nd perspective, AGAIN.)


MY WEEKEND



























.





















.


OH YES, if you realised, I cut my hair!
Hahahah, everyone prefer the current one, 'cause they like me cooler & less feminine.

.

& THE BEST FOR THE LAST.
When I was SEVEN:



Thanks, I had a traumatic childhood because of this.
Maybe that's why I turned out so screwed.
HAHAHHAHAHAHA!

& yes, I was always misunderstood to be a lil' boy & was depressed as a result!
(YOU KNOW I EVEN HAD CLEANING LADIES DISALLOWING ME TO ENTER THE TOILET! ~!@#$%^&*())
But I had eczema then, so mom REFUSED to allow me to keep my hair long.

When I was primary 5, she finally allowed, so I didn't keep my hair short until JC!
A long time hur!
Then, I got too stressed so BYE HAIR!
(Just after 1 or 2 months of school! Hahaha; kinda regret! The hair was till the totally down the back till the waist!)

I might keep it long after As again 'cause I miss long hair but I don't wanna tie hair to school everyday!

.

OFF TO WATCH TEEEVEE & STUDY (:
I slept for 15hours & I'm still tired!
I was supposed to wake up at midnight, but ah wells, I only woke at..6am!
The time to prepare for school.
& I missed 2 phone calls & totally ignored 6 sms.
Gosh.

I should seriously repay my sleep debts!

.

Hmm, saw Jaron while at Marina Square on Sunday. (or rather, he saw me!)
& after cip, headed off to G's house to study+watch match+sleepover.
Lij & Rach came later.

THEN! AT 2345 I REALISED SOMETHING!
I forgot to tell mom I wasn't going home.
HAHAHHA, & she was already sleeping when I called.

& Lij & G convinced us to self-declare holiday, so we only reached school at 955 am.
:/

.

My weekend was p.a.c.k.e.d & regrettably I didn't study much!
):
(Shall update more later~)
How's yours?

.

HEREBY PROCLAIM THAT THIS WEEK SHALL BE A DISCIPLINED WEEK!

.

SCHOOL SCHOOL SCHOOL.
BYE!
Posting in advance ! (What kind of nonsense is this?!)
'cause next 2 days gonna be out of house for >12hours!

I will be at Marina Square Atrium, Level 2 with the GIRLS ♥ !
Hahaha, we'll be helping out with ShapeRun2010!
NO WE ARE NOT RUNNING. LOL!
We're giving out race packs on Sat & Sun.
A little stressed 'cause time is tight & I need to do a lot of things.
But, okay, I think it'll be time worth spending! (:

.

& partly 'cause I just wanna type & sort out thoughts.
'cause it's 2 am, & I'm a nocturnal animal, so I think when there's no daylight.
Hahahaha, even my daddy think I'm crazy 'cause I always stay up & sleep in the day.

(Maybe this explains the reliance on caffeine.)


Before I napped just now, I told myself, when you wake you must be cheery again!
Hahahhaa!
Pre-sleeping self-hypnosis.

'cause I was explaining to myself, (you know, the rational vs the irrational part of myself) that some things are often inevitable.
As much as I'm against it, they still happen.
Be it poverty, inequality or just the end of the world.
There's many things I want to change, but I'm not in the position to.

It's just that when I thought I was in the position to do so, & tried, and failed, it sucks.

Then I began asking myself whether all these are karma 'cause I made life difficult for people last time.
Sigh.

.

& I was thinking, really, there is no such thing as empathy in the world.
I mean, how many times have one told you, "Aww, I understand.".
But, do they?
How can they?

They can try, but they can't.
They don't have my perspective, my principles, my values, the situation, and everything that happens to YOU it's just personal to YOU & YOU ONLY.
I agree, there's always similar situation, but for me, definition of empathy is 100% understanding.
Which I deemed impossible to achieve & will never occur.

THOUGH, it's still good to share your troubles! (:

& to my, there's GOOD sympathy & BAD sympathy which totally is somewhat equivalent to PITY.
I don't really get the idea of sympathy anyway.
Just feel that there's this superiority-inferiority complex involved, which I totally DISLIKE.

To decide in the moment to sympathise with this person simply shows that one think that he/she is in a better state & thus is in a position to feel sorry for that person.
No?

Then, question is, what makes him/her thinks that he/she CAN sympathise?

I.e. A well-bodied person sympathising with (or even pitying) a handicapped individual.
Why should the well-bodied person do it?
For all I know, the handicapped could jolly well be a genius, or maybe not to the extent.
He could actually just be contented with his lot in life.

& again it's my motto in life: 'cause he might be spiritually more substantiated & better able to withstand such obstacles in life hence 'chosen' to be the one.

Yes la, you and I both can be contented with what we have in life, be it wealth, health, or stealth.
(Okay, I just wanna rhyme; but you can be a thief/spy you know!)

But possessing something doesn't mean that I am in a better position in life yea?
Indeed, society places differing values on all the varied items in life, but actually, it means nothing too.

Aiya, I just don't like passing remarks people make that comes out with a tinge of sneer & superiority.
Makes me think, "What make you think you should?"

.

THIS IS RANDOM, BUT!


I think, everyone is cute in their own little way, sweet in their own personal thoughts.
It's just whether you take time to break down their defenses.
Though obviously, there's always people who are cuter than others.

But define cute.
It differs from people to people.
So I think, different people find different people cute, & at the end of the day, everybody just has someone who appreciates them.
In my PERFECT world, that is.

Or maybe this does happen, just that the saddest thing is, the person you find cute may not reciprocate the feeling.

.

I'm really think a lot when it's dark hur.
I still wanna rattle off, but let's go do some work!
(:
Not in a pretty mood today. ~!@#$%^&*(), ji dan.

I'm totally annoyed & frustrated.
It's nothing personal, but I don't like seeing such episodes flash by in my life.

WHY MUST EXCLUSION EXIST.
& sometimes it's just so deliberate I feel exasperated.
Everytime such things arises, previous incidents just do a film roll thingy in my head & I just feel upset.
UPSET!

Why do we prioritise certain people over others, when actually, we went through the same journey together?
It could be a cca, a class, or just a random group of people selected to go on a overseas trip together.

Don't give me nonsense like, "oh we didn't know you guys are free."
Bah.

OKAY, TOHJIALE, STOP GETTING BOTHERED!
(But I am, I am.)

It's just that you know, sometimes, certain events were special in my heart.
But because of such things, the value of the event falls a little, & I just can't let go of it.

.

Celebrated LimMin's birthday w team! (:
Had breakfast tgt! Thanks Yix for organising!
It's been long since I've seen us as a whole.

.

I'm really quite upset.
):
HUISHAN!♥

Was talking to G on bus, & I talked about HuiShan.
& I MUST NOTE DOWN THIS INCIDENT.

(I can't remember the exact day alr! But it's one of the last at MacRitchie!)

Goal: To stop alternate kick - i.e. paddle right lean right, paddle left lean left.

'Cause apparently, Shan & me were not very well suited 'cause of habits and thus we tend to be in conflict like tilting of the boat.
Yeapps, that's why we couldn't do in on the AK! ):
Yes, and time wasn't really on our side, so I really tried very hard on that day 'cause I feel that it's my habit that must be changed!

& I got very desperate and demoralised.
'Cause I keep making the boat tilt in the way she's not used to, and I feel guilty and like a burden.

Yea, and my voice shook in the middle of the training 'cause I felt super helpless and exasperated and all the tons of negative feeling of uselessness.
Hahhaa, I still remember trying to tell time to her in a normal voice.

& finally after one failed set, I told her : Shan, give me 10 seconds.
Then I started crying behind her, and I think stunned her.
LOL!

Hahhaa, and between sobs I went, "30 seconds, 15..." etc.

But I just want to say : She's always there!

Like when I selfishly cried after K2-1000m semis ON THE BOAT DIRECTLY BEHIND HER, when I know well that she's equally affected and disappointed but is always willing herself not to cry.
):

Though now, we're really nowhere close, but I still love her!
I mean, I sometimes think it's a deliberate choice and attempt to be aloof, but since it's a decision, I do respect it!

& I was always overjoyed when someone told me that HuiShan become more crazy, high & like a kid when she was with me.
I'm glad to be there to influence her to be more like me!
(Though I'm not entirely sure this is a good thing! I mean, ME! Like, crazy you know?!?!)

Ya, & this bring me to the next thing!
Laughing on the boat doesn't mean we were not serious k?
We just had fun paddling TOGETHER!
Hahahah, though we giggled & chuckled frequently!
But all inside joke ma! That's what make life sweet!

I STILL CANNOT GET OVER MARKUS BANNING US FROM WATER & TRAINING THAT ONE TRAINING CAUSE HE SAID WE WEREN'T SERIOUS TO TRAIN!
Soccer!

WeiLun betted on the match just now.



NOW I DON'T GET A TREAT! ):
ChengXin

Dear girl, I hope you're living well.
I just suddenly thought of you while uploading moments that made me smile onto my phone.
I paused at your photo..

Sigh, I still remember the tears, both mine & yours..
Sigh x 10000000.
But of course, the joy I had. (:






.

it'sYOU
You never fail to surprise me.
& even for things that doesn't directly concern me, I smile.
Thanks.

.

Hi, just had my first caffeine shot of the day!
LOL! (:

If coffee ceased to exist suddenly, I'll cry. Newer Posts

By post:

1. Chapter 258:
2. Chapter 256:
3. Chapter 255:
4. Chapter 254:
5. Chapter 253:
6. Chapter 252:
7. Chapter 251:
8. Chapter 250:
9. Chapter 249:
10. Chapter 248:

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