Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Chapter 246:
at 23:34
Sigh. I'm guilty for being impatient w mommy over the phone just now.
I don't like being maligned. & I detest it especially when she "interrogate" me as though the reason for me coming home late is 'cause I am playing too much.
Yes, I "deliberately" stay out late 'cause school of course don't end so late.
Purpose: Studying.
Entirely valid, to me.
.
But when I reach home to see nicely made taupok just feel so immensely touched.
& hence guilty.
.
Don't understand why I am so irrational.
Writing them down just make me think that there are actually 2 separate issues and hence my guilt is not justified.
However, such rationalization does not appears to have any effect on the guilt.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Chapter 245:
at 11:01
Yesterday, woke up at ~ 8pm after a super long afternoon nap to see my 2 sisters drinking red wine in the kitchen. Had dinner & joined them.
We talked till about 1030 pm, and somehow, all 3 of us just ended up tearing up towards the end when we spoke of what had happened and how much we missed him.
We tried to recall the last photo taken, the next expected photo which would never come true.
While I can't stop the bouts of sadness that hit me unexpectedly, I am still rather zen about the entire episode. I am past the point where I kept blaming myself for not being engulfed in depression every single waking minute, fearing that I love him too little. But I guess it's just my optimistic nature and take in life.
I don't know when was the point in time when we started dismissing the idea of death. I remember I use to cry myself to sleep when I was young, fearing that death will rob me of anyone close to me. I was frightened that I will wake up one day and find someone missing. Morbid, I know but I find that a rational fear.
And somehow, we lost this fear when we are growing up, along with our naivety and innocence. Did we somehow thought the we could triumph over life/death? So silly of us.
Now, I just see it as another moment in life for me to gain insights and learn new things. We learn through joy, but most importantly, we better ourselves through moments of despair and utmost sadness.
& that's what I'll hold dear to me.
You enriched my life, even at the very last moment.
Life, to me, is not about ideal outcomes that you want. It's about adapting your mindsets to whatever shit life throws at you and making the best out of each.
.
At the end of the day, through it all, I still want to say, I feel very blessed.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Chapter 244:
at 02:41
Sometimes, when I get so tired & stressed out from life, I don't know is it me being over-cynical of life and its circumstances or is it truly sucky.
Suddenly feel like everybody is so busy for everyone, even the ones which should be important in your life.
Feel so tired looking on at the practical and superficial reasons people base friendships on.
& I miss the true and innocent friendships that once surrounded me, the effortless laughter and conversations we shared.
I just want a simple life, uncomplicated friends who love me for who I am.
I don't want to feel the urge to fit in, don't want to feel like a jigsaw puzzle which just can't fit in.
Or trying to mould myself so that I can fit the shape.
Sometimes, I feel under-appreciated. Sometimes I feel as though it's a must to fit the societal expectations of cool & pretty.
But really, why should I do so?
Why can't I just be myself?
"I am beautiful in my own way."
But sometimes, when I do feel self-conscious, feel down and out, I just need someone to reassure me that I'm fine this way.
I'm fine not being the most demure.
Fine not being the prettiest.
Fine not being the thinnest.
Fine not being the smartest.
Fine just being me, myself & I.
Actually, I never felt the inclination to be the prettiest, to be the nicest, to be the smartest, etc.
The key is whether I am pretty, nice and smart enough, no? Newer Posts
