Sunday, October 31, 2010
Chapter 126:
at 22:50
To me, it's not like happiness, or sadness.
It has to be translated into a form of action.
What have you done for him?
On a continuous basis.
(I am not implying that you wouldn't have, mind you.
& I have never doubted your sincerity; nor your feelings.)
Perhaps to me, I pride it as something more sacred, not simply something you can merely experience just because you say so.
Definitions are different.
SO?
I merely do not include it in my dictionary.
Merely.
Don't you dare taint my blog with profanity.
.
That's what I'll say.
Because the max I'll go is like.
& I won't ever claim I have ever loved a guy.
In any other way rather than friends.
Things aside, it's infatuation, max like.
That's my definition.
.
It's a mere word play, letters switched.
From ike to ove.
From like to love.
Who's to be so particular about it?
.
Can I say I feel insulted when my views about something I still am idealistic towards is being simplified?
Who the **** are you to judge my definitions and principles in life?
Because you're my dear friend.
That's what I say.
& because I love you.
That's what I say, feel and do, continuously since sec 4.
What do you say?
Chapter 125:
at 21:56
Define love.
I type a whole chunk of words (to defend my stand, and really, to rave and rant).
But ultimately backspace was what I held on to.
& the 4 letter word that I can utter is love.
What was yours again?
I will perceive it as such, and not think of the actual word behind the stars.
(& that question posed that I am sorely tempted to reply.)
Because, I think, you meant more to me, than my own principles & definitions.
I am really curbing it.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Chapter 124:
at 23:36
I quite believe in fate.
If it's meant to be, it is; if it's not, it's not.
When you've found the one, things wouldn't be such weird.
I have never found love but believe it to have it's own set of problems.
But I think despite all, one will still be happy.
Yet when one feels unnecessarily insecure, even doubtful, there's something wrong.
You either find a way to resolve, or get out.
It's rather a simple logic said.
It'll be hard.
Nobody say it isn't, but ain't growing up like that.
Know that I love you, you'll get through.
& finally, find the one.
I'll be your bridesmaid then!
♥
I think, some time down the road, you'll realise that it's not so special after all.
Because, we share the same view towards love, & we want what's best for each other.
But till then, you can afford to be a little crazy, a little obsessed! ~
Friday, October 29, 2010
Chapter 123:
at 23:43
I'm rather happy with life as it is now.
There's many things I'll rave and rant all, but despite all, I'm happy.
Note: Teach Pat how to spell insomnia.
She gave me 2 options: (a)IMSOMNIA & (b)IMSONMIA?
Sigh x 1ooooooo
Note #2: Never get obsessed with anyone in the world again.
Infatuation is crazy; you even make yourself scared of yourself.
(This is a 4 months late life lesson, just feel the need to re-emphasise to self.)
Night people!
Chapter 122:
at 21:30
Sigh, things are always like that, when you're in the situation, you don't wake up.
Even when situations are totally ridiculous, you rather think that it's your problem & brood over it, than step away and extricate yourself.
Love's not supposed to so complicated, and overwhelming.
It never is, and never will be.
But we only stay firm to this belief when we're not infatuated.
Looked where my principles and beliefs flew a few months ago.
.
Love integrates into your life, not take over what was the past.
.
Jiayou, focus now darling, because your love's waiting for you years down the road, when you're a successful pharmacist.
You know that, don't you?
.
FYI, I am not talking to myself in this post!
(Cons of permanently talking to yourself in your blog that nobody know who's who anymore! LOL)
Chapter 121:
at 01:12
I actually thought to do this:
Go up to you, and say "Hi, I'm Jia Le, nice to meet you."
& restart everything, maybe 'cause I can't cope with the gnawing sense of guilt for being so cynical.
Then, Pat reminded me (unknowing to this scheme of mine) that some people never do change & live their life that way.
E.g. Pat & I will always be UNTIDY, nothing's gonna change it, unless we'll die as a consequence. What more, untidiness is OUR way of life.
As do secrecy, and manipulation, and optimism and expressing one's thoughts.
Such acts and principles may hurt/inconvenience some people in the process, but unless that party means a lot to you, you will not change.
One pride oneself over others, fact of life; it's just simply a survival mechanism.
Hence, one tends to resist changes, unless circumstances force them to not.
Sudden revelations don't come easily.
(If it does I would have been studying my ass off 3 months ago.)
What more I believe in finding love and partners (inc. friends), one do not think of the other party, but for yourself.
Like how guys tend to seek out beauties as it's a reflection of their self-worth and capability, and females are attracted to wealth and status as it's a means to security.
Sure, making friends and finding love seems like a natural process that doesn't require much thought.
To me, that is.
I believe, some tend to weigh pros and cons before selecting.
Same with spouse.
You can't fault them; they are given an array of choices.
& when given alternatives, what do we do?
We decide what's best for us - ourselves.
.
I wanted to believe, again.
But have now decided against.
This post will serve to remind me if I start to waver.
TOHJIALE, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE.
Once bitten, twice shy. What more at least thrice.
However, if your claim turn out to be true, good for you, good for people around you currently.
I'll just take it that I've done some good deed to mankind (and negate the truckloads of bad karma I've accumulated along the years.)
If not, good for me to not believe.
Of course, I hope for the former.
But most importantly, I'm moving on.
Moving on from the bad past, and not act like a needy ex-girlfriend anymore.
Because, you have already long done so, & because, it's time to loosen the shackles which I had bound to myself.
(This is in agreement that one does thing for benefit of oneself.)
.
I'll still smile and wave and greet you.
Because that's simply, basic courtesy to acknowledge we're at least acquaintance.
Forgive if I'm unable to do more than that.
But just see it as another self-preserving technique.
.
I hope that I'll still be able to have the capacity to be less cynical and accepting towards other.
But optimism is my forte, so it shouldn't be a problem.
.
Much love to people who care.
Chapter 120:
at 00:03
At Pat's house to sleepover now ~
Think I'm more disciplined here than at home, 'cause I won't use the Internet!
(Because Pat'll be the one who use, hahahahahah!~)
I realise, I do appreciate Biology.
But guess what?
Theres only freaking 11 days left, FML.
& I have to finish the entire syllabus.
Yes, ben xiao jie is so pathetic as to NOT having finish syllabus YET.
This is the ultimate nonsense.
I can't take myself too.
You know, WHY WAS I SO LAZY?!
Sigh, if any J1s out there is reading this, you better wake up.
I'm serious.
I epitomise complacency!
So what if my foundations is good from O levels?
So what if I managed to get 6 points (heng heng get 6A1s can also get 6 point!!)
& so what if I only started studying in July 2008 to get almost stellar results.
That's the past.
It's so embarrassing to get into a prestigious school and fall horribly from the altar.
Due to what? LAZINESS, & COMPLACENCY.
& procrastination.
It's not worth it.
How many times have I told myself not to let myself down?
Streaming, O LEVELS, PROMOS.
I should kill myself.
It actually didn't help when I always manage to reach my goal despite last minute work.
Triple science in sec 2, 6 pointer, successfully get promoted.
I sucked man.
Seriously.
DEAR HIGHER POWER.
I KNOW I AM AN IDIOT (but thanks for blessing me with an average intelligence, much appreciated).
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET MY PERFORM MIRACLES AGAIN.
PLEASE.
SIGH.
~!@#$%^&*()
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Chapter 119:
at 20:31
Went to school for the CCA Colours Award Presentation.
We may have the worst achievement there, w a national team 4th, but I'm still mighty proud of the team.
A team with zilch experience in canoeing, I deem it a feat.
(:
Pray that the juniors will be even better than us.
Looking at them now, it's not hard; with faith, they surely can.
.
Studied w Shan, Yix & Rach before that.
Went w Shan & Rach to Island Creamery after.
(I didn't touch the ice cream, I swear! Very disciplined, heh heh.)
& went home w Rach.
Sigh, nostalgia!
We actually planned to go to paddle tmr, but apparently juniors are not having training.
(I'm sorry, but I admit I'm a little relieved 'cause it's actually posed a dilemma to me.)
.
On the way home, saw this mommy with her kid, SMOKING.
CALL YOURSELF A MOTHER!!
How can you do nothing, or rather, be the one who inflict harm on your kid?!
I cannot, cannot, cannot stand it when parents smoke when their kids are around.
Especially when kids are younger than like, 5 or 7.
Very infuriated!
It's one thing to be a bad role model, another to be so selfish!
That being said, I absolutely respect people who give up smoking for their love ones.
AIYA, JUST DON'T SMOKE K?
Boyfriend criteria #1: NON-SMOKER.
Cannot imagine having to put up with smoke,
& having to kiss a mouth that's so ~!@#$%^&*().
& of course, there's the lingering smell of stale smoke.
UGH.
Seriously, consumers are supposed to make rational choices where MB=MC.
I can't understand smokers at all even when I'm failing econs!
MB = negative. It's NEGATIVE!!
MC = $$$$$$$
Sigh.
Just don't smoke.
It's really bad.
& I'm smelling smoke now because I have neighbours who smoke! ZZZ x 1000000
.
OH OH, SHAN SHAN SAYS I HAVE BECOME SLIMMER.
& I love her a little bit more now.
Hahahahahahahahha!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Chapter 118:
at 21:43
Woke up with diarrhea accompanied with a super terrible stomachache.
:/
Must be the spicy Ajisen ramen I had together w Nh & Brian.
Hope they had diarrhea too. :D
(What! Friends must be fellow sufferers k? - according to a Chinese proverb, that is.)
Moreover they finished the soup, I didn't!
HAHAHHAHAAHAHAA.
.
Okay, ben xiao jie is dieting currently.
LOL, more of eating more healthily la, but yes!
Wish me luck.
(I need it k, after canoeing became like some round thing. BAH.)
I'm actually enjoying it, so it's coming rather easily.
Will update again.
But, actually this thing very easy to see de la.
If you think I've slimmed down, means I've succeeded, if I'm still round and cute then too bad lo.
HAHHAHAHAAHA.
.
Question:
If you're a guy, would you prefer a gf with hot body but average face, or a gorgeous babe with average body?
For me, I would like the body, as do Pat.
But some dudes I asked said looks.
ZZZ.
Maybe we're just horny la.
BUT HOT BODY LEY!
Today on my way home, I saw this very hot mummy.
Don't you find woman who have awesome figures despite having been pregnant very deserving of our respect!
Okay, I allow that it may be due to good genes, but still you can appreciate their genes ma!
:D
HAHAHHAA, I think I sound a little mental.
But aye, I am, I am.
So next time you see a hot mummy, SMILE AT HER K?
(Yea right, even I don't do it.)
.
NGUANHAN JUST TOLD ME HE DIDN'T HAVE DIARRHEA.
Why is life like that?
SIGH.
.
Pray for me for tmr.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Chapter 117:
at 23:43
Okay, come, flush the unhappy post away!
Thanks.
Not much to say liao la, just thanks.
♥
Rarely do you sound so intellectual.
HAHHAHAHAHAHA!
.
On a more trivial note, went to cut my hair today.
Not shorter, just thinner.
Can't stand the BABOOM on my head.
So snip snip!
Now it feels so much lighter. (:
.
Trivial #2:
Deb made my day by telling me I'm getting prettier on Grad day.
(Of course it doesn't help that she said, for the FIRST time she thinks I'm pretty la.
She's semi blind. HAHHAHAA, joking!
But I insist that I look better when I'm tan and fit.
She disagreed vehemently.)
Okay la, this one not very trivial, you think everyday got people tell me I'm pretty de meh.
HAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Chapter 116:
at 21:41
Today was supposed to be a happy day.
I was supposed to be peacefully studying with people I love dearly, namely Pat, NguanHan, Brian, and a rare guest - Nicholas.
& an untimely bomb came.
I was really glad initially. Really, immensely gratified.
Recall this: I asked for a closure.
I ASKED FOR IT.
I thought it came, in pretty wrappings though I still panicked since it's been so long since we talked.
I'm not trying to be a bitch here.
I appreciate that you took the initiative.
I blame myself for being so hopeful and sincere about the entire event.
I hate myself for believing that this time round, I'll finally get my closure, even back to friends with you.
What made me think that it didn't happened for the past how many times, it will this time?
Why did I bear hope?
Why?
Why, when it comes down to you, I always feels such a myriad of emotions - resentment, hopefulness, guilt, foolishness, so much, so much.
Why, must I cry over and over again for you?
Did you even know how I exited the room just to go to a secluded staircase, to tear for more than 3 of your smses.
Bet you didn't know you had that kind of hold over me.
I didn't too.
Even if a part of me think that you may not be sincere, a part of me still wary, I still cry.
For just joy of you trying, despair for the rocky past, and the missed future.
You're not even my boyfriend, just a girl whom I keep not letting go.
Despite always having been the party that was given up unceremoniously.
When will I ever learn?
I fear, that I will be trapped in unhealthy relationships again.
I'm very scared.
What if I meet an emotionally abusive boyfriend next time?
Will I love myself more than I love him to extricate myself out?
Will I be able to surprise myself by doing what I was unable to do with you?
My life have many wonderful people, who never fail to be there for me.
But, why must I be so vulnerable to one person?
I'm not implying that you're extremely manipulative, while I'm victimised terribly.
It's just after so much effort, I can't let go.
I keep asking myself, what did I lack?
Why must I be given up again and again?
In what way is she better than me as a friend? What have I not done?
Because I don't appear sweet and gentle?
Because I look cooler than other people?
Or because I can't get you where you wanted? - ie I expanded my purpose in your life.
Which if you didn't forget, served rather many purposes which a ordinary friend is not expected to complete at all.
Was it that?
If there was a timeline, it's really hard not to think that I'm just a mere stepping stone to get you wherever you wanted, and tossed aside not so glamorously.
You say you're sorry, you say you've changed.
But, when have you not said that?
I detest it when I become so paranoid and wary.
& I feel so dumb for placing myself in this position where I keep meeting you by chances, and there's really no way I can erase you from my life, nor prevent you from entering again.
Because, I made so many choice to intertwined our life.
Not for myself.
For your interests.
If you even recall I was the one who persuaded you to come to HwaChong, to not regret in future.
& I was the one who adviced you on the CCA to go to, because I do not want you to end up as a mere substitute on a sports team.
But when I needed someone, you were not there.
Instead, you became something I get so perplexed over.
.
You told me you felt that I treat T better than you.
Please try to recall that quite some time ago, we were best friends.
& I prioritised you over anyone.
Please recall that when we entered Hwach, I placed you top.
Must I stoop so low to bicker over who gave up on who first?
.
I'm very tired.
It never fail to drain me.
You told me you had faith that I could do well.
I should study.
Little did you know I couldn't concentrate even after our conversation ended.
Ultimately, I didn't get any closure.
All I get was demons from past re-lived.
I tried so hard to stamp them down.
Just a couple of messages exchanged.
& all hell broke loose.
I gave people I love slight attitude after lunch because I couldn't tamp down the turmoils of emotions I was experiencing, and stalked off after seeing them make a big fuss out of the rain.
& partly, I thought walking in that drizzle could clear my head.
.
I sucked at managing my emotions.
And maybe it's complexed with pms.
I just hate it when I lose control of my own head.
I disliked how having lived to almost 18 (yes lu, I know I'm not yet 18, lol), I still resort to crying to get stress out of my system.
How there's so little outlet for me when immense stress gets to me.
How I can't just shut the feelings off.
.
Through this whole incident, I didn't get answers I want.
You leave me with one additional question.
What was the sole driving force in approaching me?
To mend things, as you claim, or because of the dear little friend of yours whom I have recently mentioned?
.
& through this all, when you claimed I spread tales about you.
Elaborate.
I reserved criticisms about you, aside to people I totally trust.
Tell me.
At least I know whether I'm maligned, or simply because there are people I can't trust.
Or maybe what you heard was just unglamorous past you tried so hard to escape.
I know what to say and what know to.
(& how vague I can sound here, about incidents that happened)
We have so many common friends, if defamation was my motto, I wouldn't have kept my mouth tight for so long.
.
Grah, I'm starting to get defensive and incoherent.
To higher powers, especially the particular one which I have an inclination to, bless me to have determination and serenity to get pass this broken friendship.
.
Do you know, I even wish that you will achieve your full potential, and get a scholarship to pursue a wonderful education abroad?
Because I thought it was the best solution to leave both of us with some gap.
Despite all said, that was WHAT I WISHED FOR.
& how, at this very minute, you're still on the darlings list on my msn.
I'm just dumb.
Chapter 115:
at 01:17
Hello, let's clap your hands!
(No, not because of the fact that you're working too hard - Hands by TingTings, but because, it's my beloved friend's big day today!)
It's never easy to sustain a r/s which no one deems possible, or have a good ending.
(It's not simple to even maintain a relationship in the very first place!)
But here they are, at the 1 year milestone.
& I'm so happy for her.
(More so for the fact that the guy's great to her, that's so much more impt than the 1 year anniversary point.)
Blessings.
♥
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Chapter 114:
at 23:34
Thankfully Ms Pon (the name the clas give me) didn't pon ytd.
It's the grad day for Artemis!
Sometimes, people don't really know how great it is to be part of something awesome.
You feel sadness for your CLASS, not just because of your own little CLIQUE, but for all of them (or at least >90%).
& it's a really gratifying feeling.
I know, because I have had graduated from class which I claim I love, but upon reflection, only selected people!
Of course it's true it's your clique that's most often with you and stuff, and that's why it's so rare for 26 of us, with none being oestracised, and all tolerated.
Ah, I'm in a too jolly mood to be sentimental.
But I just wanna say, 7H is loved.
& big thank you to YiJia, Xuan & Fly for looking out for me.
Always.
♥
.
My new policy in life should be to be LESS XIASUAY.
Yesterday at grad night, 3 important events happened.
One:
Went to hug a great guy friend of mine since sec school, and made a kissing sound, from his back. IN FRONT OF HIS GF (of whom I was unaware of her status.)
FYI, she went :O
Two:
Went to ask X whether he was looking for his gf, then being told awkwardly : "..NOT GF ANYMORE."
& I went, GULP, SORRY! x 10000.
Three:
& finally, X went: What about Y? (who helped to take pic for X and I)
Me: You want take pic with Y? Ok, I help!
X: No! You take with him!
Me: But I not close to Y ley!
(Take note this is said in front of Y!)
Y: -.-
But in then end we still took a photo la!
.
Moments I wished I could dig a hole and hide myself & die.
Sigh.
& to tell the truth, these 3 things happened consecutively, one after another.
With 3 different people altogether.
I'm the best, I know.
Sigh.
It's a blessing and miracle I didn't fell face down on stage yesterday.
That would surely create a hole by itself for me to hide.
(Y).
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Chapter 113:
at 22:02
AYE, these people can sing!
Not just boybands with 1/2 who can carry great tunes!
& guess, what, they're super super young!
Only 3-4 years older than you and I, and one even younger than me by a year!
By this I'm assuming y'all to be 18 like me!
I LOVE THEIR VOICE.
(Oh, there's this dude that's half Sri-Lankan!)
A pity they're not blonde, & a super pity the blonde, who's the youngest, is not cute!
I like the bald one the best (:
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Chapter 112:
at 14:02
Trust. 0%
So how could one misplaced it?
It was gone to start with when people run around telling others untrue stories about you.
When karma happens to you, do you hope that it will happen onto the same person again by pretending that you're the victim when you're not?
i.e Things always happen in the order of A>B>C & so on.
Why conveniently forget event A when you're the instigator, and only remember B when you're the victim?
& worse, go around telling that version.
I won't deny I'm mean.
I am and I know I can be.
& I admire people with mean streaks.
By that of course I imply people who don't kick dogs and cats, but mean enough to show the world the true you.
Stop hiding behind the backs of others and come out.
But it has already been 18 years.
To think I was once protector of you who bitch-slap others for YOUR sake and in turn get bitten on the hand, I shudder.
It's a shameful past.
& to think my closest friend, and a lost best friend are also (ex and current) protectors of yours.
But one thing for sure is not coincidental, we couldn't tolerate each other when we're close to you.
Sow discord much?
Act angelic much?
I admit, it's sucks to know people who gain favour everywhere, and can have their way around people.
At best it's called acceptance of life, at worse, it's resentment at how hypocrisy (& of course, beauty) rules the world.
But to clarify, in no way is this called the betrayal of friendship.
Go ask yourself whether the friendship was long gone and over and if it's only mere acquaintance.
If you had not been so fake and less of that desire to act perfect,
& if I had been less mean and critical on you, none of this would happen.
But that's what we are.
You're fake and I'm mean.
But one thing is for sure, you're fake enough to insist you're not fake, while I'm mean enough to proclaim - yes, I'm no angel.
.
And the person who like some fruit-noodles, I told our common friend I admire you.
For your guts and you opinions.
But it's just unfortunate that we don't see eye to eye on some matters.
.
& I just want to say, regardless of how imperfect someone is, if this dude here is a friend, you're find that you have endless breadth to accept him.
But if he's not, BAH.
& that's why this is not friendship.
Because I know how I'ld handle it.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Chapter 111:
at 08:18
Don't kaobei me already act like everything is fine.
What do you expect me to do?
Smile and say yes dear, I'm wrong.
Funny.
I know you're good to me.
I do know.
I just don't LIKE the way you express your thoughts.
& be all so pretentious.
Damn.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Chapter 110:
at 21:40
Today, I saw a damn hot guy.
Yes, this is the most exciting part of my life.
(Hello, my day is to study productively w Pat, what do you expect?)
Re-emphasize: He is damn hot.
I'm so sorry you can't get to see him.
HAHHAA, this is the only time I'm quite obsessed with an Asian, what more a real-life one.
(Yes, I have a weakness for angmoh, especially blondes. I do think they're usually cute unless they are seriously very unfortunate.
Go google, "Chace Crawford", "Ryan Reynolds" & you'll get my drift.
Sad to say Robert Pattinson is the unfortunate few. :p)
But again, it might have been the bad lighting.
.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Chapter 109:
at 22:36
This deserves a post on its on:
Ting, remember, you're loved.
Very loved & cherished.
It sucks sometimes to doubt whether you mean anything, and to question your own significance.
But time always proves the facts.
Give me 2 months!
Much ♥!
.
Sidenote: Had dinner w Pat & Ting after a day of studying.
Mac Breakfast with whiny PAT tmr morning!
Chapter 108:
at 22:29
Entropy change is gonna get SUPER NEGATIVE.
.
I really do love my k2 partner.
It's funny how we can not talk/interact for so long, but she still mean so much to me.
& to me, the connection has not yet become less.
Though I think we don't really have a lot of common points, but it's fate hur.
How someone like her can be the emotional support at one point of my life.
♥
I always feel very warm and fuzzy when we exchange the rare smses.
SHANSHAN, LELE LOVES YOU.
I know I always scream and say this jokingly, outside when I'm done showering at MacRitchie toilets, where I'll act cute and silly and keep repeating LELE LOVES YOU to the lot still showering.
But it's true.
Just not that sappy.
.
I don't exactly know how to describe this feeling, just simply amazed how certain feelings come so easily.
& truly awed by this sense of connection.
This connection that began since we were on Liangjin on Day 1, to struggles on AK, & finally resigned happily on Tiger.
(FYI, all names of boats.)
& now we're fighting separately.
Jiayou!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Chapter 107:
at 19:56
boy: WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?
girl: YES.
(OR something along this line, well, we never know for sure, because acting & distortion skills of people have reached new levels!
Of course she will say no, it didn't go like that.
What do you expect?
There's a reputation of a sentimental princess at stake, mind you!
Maybe it went like that:
Boy: Let's be committed, but not be in a relationship aye?)
After a few days, she retracted.
GUESS WHAT?
There are people who think that to classify a few days as a r/s is absurd, and everything should just be seen lightly as an experiment.
(This said person, might just coincidentally, think me a failure.)
So you answer yes, directly to a question that is a mutual agreement, and end up, it's nothing but an experiment.
SO I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT:
Boys are the new guinea pigs, and feelings of people doesn't matter!
You might just be another experiment!
Why not turn your back on your friend & bitch about her in your blog too?
It may turn out that a few months of friendship is just but, yes!
ANOTHER EXPERIMENT.
.
& my new discovery of the world:
Having a commitment, albeit after mutual agreement, does not automatically render it a relationship, just so long you ensure that you're smart enough to end it quick.
& yes, other people involved, and their feelings DO NOT matter.
(They're just guinea pigs anyway, who cares! Oh yes, what more with animal laws in Singapore being so lax. WHO CARES?!)
& despite brushing off the so-called commitment which is NOT a relationship, it still doesn't mean that it's NOTHING k?
It is still sentimental, but not enough for it to be a relationship.
Sounds chim?
I think so too.
But well, there's 2 in the world that can comprehend it, so it makes me...rather NOT smart don't you think?
& I take that as a valid reason for me to blunder at times, and NOT be classified as a failure.
But you know, the 2 concepts outlined above, when you comprehend A, you don't for B.
So either you think I'm a failure, and concede that a few days = an experiment, or you do not think that I'm a failure, and that a few days of commitment do mean something important for it to be classified.
.
Anyway, Mom and sisters when to KL for holidays from fri till yesterday.
It's 3 days long.
I guess it's not a holiday then, it's...what was that again?
Oh yes, an experiment.
.
DISCLAIMER:
a FEW questions, and ONE blog post, does NOT in any way, qualify as something worth mentioning.
It is just, but a....yes you got it right.
AN EXPERIMENT.
.
Happy experimenting people!
I bet y'all ace your SPA with the awesome experimental skills!
:D
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Chapter 106:
at 23:55
I think it's indeed true that birds of the same feather flock together.
At times, you get so bewildered by others' way of life, and principles that there is no way you can accept.
& that's why you don't end up together.
Simple.
& I don't think friendship is easy.
At this age.
It's always more pure when started early.
I love na & lu & ting.
BYE Z, I HATE YOU FOR SCAMMING MY FEELINGS TODAY.
(HAHAHAHAHAH)
Chapter 105:
at 01:23
okay freak, I'm suddenly feeling sentimental.
You know, suddenly miss canoeing.
Just suddenly after reading some stuff.
Sometimes, i think i should self-censor myself and stop exposing myself to memories.
I miss some people.
I miss times when I was good with them.
I sometimes think back, and asked myself, was it right to be so obstinate in my ways?
& I would asked myself, if I had ignored, and tolerated, would the outcome have been better?
But at times, nobody really understands.
.
They do not understand the hurt that throbs because you felt betrayed by your good friend of 5 years, one who was even your best friend at some time.
They could not understand, how imbalance your life became, when you gave so much for a friendship, which in turn turned its back on me when you felt the most fragile.
They could not understand, how staring eyes, and evil moving mouths could caused so much trauma, especially when the 2 hands that were supposed to be on your back supporting you, let go.
And I, the person, can't either, at times.
The storms have passed, but sometimes, you looked at the barren land, that was once green, you can't help but envision what could have been.
& there come the aching feeling.
I've since erected a wall.
But somehow, the foundation is not set.
Whenever I see you, dear friend, I feel shaky.
I pass cynical and indifferent remarks about you.
But I wonder, will there ever be a day when I just see you as a mere acquaintance?
I think I can't.
I face you with wariness that I will myself to put aside at times, and force myself to use as self-defense during other times.
Truth to be told, I dare not be too close to you.
The lesson I learnt is to not expose myself to such situations, because once in it, I'll always lose, and be lost.
& at the end of the day, I lose another part of myself.
It sucks.
Truly.
But nobody understands.
And it does no one good to announce to the whole world what you've done.
& really, it serves no purpose.
But sometimes, I really want to know what you think.
Because not knowing that you once cherished me, treasure me, and have not ever seen me as a tool, leaves me with no closure.
They say time heals.
This is just but a friendship.
But why does it leaves me with such raw feelings even now?
Even now, when I see you around, meet you on buses, I will no doubt be filled with trepidation.
Why?
& this is why I say, I'm scared of forming deep attachments.
Because sometimes, black and white is just a canvas of gray.
& they gray rudely interrupts you principles, making you doubt even yourself.
That's what you're capable of.
& till this day, all I want to hear is, you didn't mean it.
And that I think too much all these years; you are not as bad as I make you out to be.
Dear friend, will I ever let you go?
Chapter 104:
at 01:11
I am someone who strongly believes strong friendship can and do exist between males and females.
It does not happen super frequently, but it exists.
What makes me sick is when a person ONLY treats opposite genders with probability of becoming a partner with niceness.
Stop the fakeness.
I say icks.
Can't believe this is you.
You the one I was obsessed with, just a while not long ago.
I mean, I thought things can be normal?
Or was the normalcy indeed abnormal, and only exist for that period?
OH MY GOD.
I do need an eye-check.
.
& internet's finally up.
Phone's semi-lost-semi-stolen, but all's fine now.
.
Studied w nguanhan & brian.
More of they studied I slacked.
:/
.
OKAY DONE.
Still pissed off w people mentioned above!
STOP NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT AND BE ALOOF BECAUSE YOU SIMPLY CANNOT HANDLE IT.
Nobody's expecting anything but a mere friendship.
Too hard too handle?
Guess what, YOU are not that hot and cute after all! Newer Posts
