Since Wednesday, I'm a little confused as to where I'm heading to in university.
My dreams are concrete, yet I'm accepting of 2 career choice.

And I guess that's kind of expected because problems and decisions in life never seem so straight-forward aye?

& that's just what I'm planning to do.
I shall just try my best in clinching both offers, and decide when it's time.
I believe I'll have the answers then.



.

It's the school holidays and I'm off work from wed-fri.
The feeling's so superbly great!

I met up with precious humans (at least to me) and I really like picking on their brain and updating myself with them.
It just reaffirms why they're so important to me.

I think, as a friend it's important to share common goals and principles in life else it would just be non-complementary gears trying so damn hard to turn together.
And one day, the whole mechanism just fall apart.

And respect.
For her decisions, and for her thoughts.

Meeting Georgi and YiXian on dates really made me feel a sense of calm that I didn't realise was missing.
Perhaps they reminded me of canoeing, and the happy times.
But at the end of the day, I realise it's because it's them.

The way I can shoot my mouth off and make poor jokes, yet they'll smile.
The way I know effortlessly that they return my love for them.

& the value I place above their heads, and indeed, of their heads.

I think it's not easy meeting friends who have depth, and in them, I find some solace.

Life is great.
How's yours?




Isn't it ludicrous for people to treat live as a joke or use it as a threat when over 3000 people have died in Japan, with 6000 still missing?
Isn't it just plain stupid?

When people don't get to fulfill their dreams, because they i)died or ii)pillars of support died, someone in another part of the world makes a conscious choice to end their live, brushing aside their own dreams.
Is it even the slightest bit fair?

And really, people who waste their live away, just whiling time awaiting death is no better.

One should just live for oneself.

Indeed, one mustn't be self-centered.
But really, I think your own happiness and dreams over rides anyone else's.

If, at any point in time, this dude(tte) is ALWAYS not thinking for you, but for themselves, it's a rude awakening to yourself.

Be happy that you at least get some sign that he/she is merely just a self-centered bastard/bitch who can't care less about you when the emotion strikes them.
But remember, if you don't wake up, ultimately, you have only yourself to blame.

Don't talk about being noble.

If you can't even make YOURSELF happy, how can you make OTHERS happy?
& if you can't even make yourself happy, how can you push the responsibility away and expect others to cheer you up?

.

& I wonder, whether such catastrophe happens to jolt senseless humans, like us, awake & view life more sensibly.
Why the specific 3000+ people then?
Why them, and not me?

& it's another reason for me to live my life better, and more meaningfully.



You know, with autism practically infiltrating my life, it has become all-so-normal to me that I don't even feel the abnormality that people will label them with.

Because of this internship, there was this point in time, this little point in which I told myself:

If the world must always have its share of autistic children, I wouldn't mind one of my kids being autistic.

(Yes, the husband is not in the picture, and the fact that I can't negotiate with God to have only ONE is also lingering in the background, but oh well, it's my brain at its work.)

Evidently something happened to shake me out of this thought and belief.

On Tuesday, JunMing (Yes, him again! :D) hurt himself in school, and being the teacher closest to him, I brought him to the clinic.
Surprisingly, he was so well-behaved that I am so proud of him, but of course he'll never know that aside from my constant ruffling of his hair. LOL.

He never once cry, nor any unconventional behaviour.
He sat when I told him to, and waited patiently.
It's a feat.

Yet, his inability to talk and his child-like behaviour which was deemed inappropriate for his 11-year-old build made others stare at him.
STARE and GAWKED AT, and totally not discouraged by my look of disapproval.
(And I rather thought I had deadly stares.)

Granted, they can have their curiosity, and of course, their ignorance as their claim.
And definitely, it didn't help that JunMing look so perfectly normal (and handsome!).

But at the point, did I realise that, whatever I have learnt about autism will never hold in the world out there.
Whatever I learnt and experienced, was in a sheltered environment that is so fully accepting of autism.
Which is true, mine's a school with this kid differing from the other only in terms of severity.

Yet, there never once was a normal kid there to insert a sense of reality in this environment.
No ugly contrast in nature.
No scary differences at learning inabilities.

Nothing of the sort to raise the alarm that learning ABC at the age of 7, matching one to 1, two to 2, three to 3, is indeed delayed.
Very delayed.

Of course, I never thought it was normal, but you know, how such can become so commonplace.
How autism is in fact the normalcy in my school.
How everyone is so accepting of them.

Which the world isn't.

& that's why being a parent is so difficult.

And the magnitude of the entire thing finally crashed down onto me.
Whoa, me and my idealistic beliefs were so ludicrous, no?

.

And yet again, I have something to thank JunMing for.
The lessons he's given me, even if it's the last week I'm teaching him.
And I do love him, and hope that he'll know.

Know that I really have grown attached to him.
And that I tried my best to look after him in school.
& that he's my favourite.

I hope he knows.

Bought a meaningful book recently, and the first thing learnt is:

How happy are you on your own?
If let's say you're 80 marks happy, then, having a love/partner would have to mean you MUST be at least 81 marks happy.

If not, just be alone.

Being single/"alone" is not bad, it makes you know yourself more, and really sets your expectations high for your love-to-be, because, if you're happy on your own, why would you need someone?
This someone would in fact have to make you happier!

& that's the point.

If he/she doesn't, you might as well be alone.
Because you can; it's a choice.

.

& I think, love breeds independence, not dependence.
It's funny and ironic when one becomes dependent.

Good love makes you self-assured, and confident, and adds to you.
Not depletes you, and make you not even able to fill up the shell of the body you have.
(And really, where has the person he/she loved rotted away to?)

It's stupid, if you think this way.

& I swear, I cannot understand why people will do this to themselves.

Do you think so less of yourself that you can't survive on your own?
& are you being fair to i) yourself, and ii)the other?

.

& I make a promise to myself, to never become so weak.
(& I'll freaking mean it.)



I find that in life, achievements are never only the tangibles.
In fact, the really important ones never really are tangible.

& the tangibles are often in a compromising situation - The more you achieve, the less you have people celebrating with.
(Of course, there are exceptional brilliant ones who can achieve it, but there'll come a point where it becomes compromising, just that the point differs from people to people, based on capabilities.)

So I think it's a personal choice in life.

I never felt the exceptional rush/push to prove to anyone I can do something, even to myself.
'cause you know what? I'm just plain arrogant - I know I can.

And that's just it, 'cause I find no meaning giving up things I like to do for things I don't like, just to prove that I am smart/able or whatever shit.

Of course, I am glad I did well enough to get a good enough rank point that can get me to all courses I desire, even better ones which I don't want. (I personally deem it cool, man.)

But ask me if I regret not having all As, or whatever perfect result, it's a resounding no.

My biggest pride through this all, is the improvement I made from prelims, and not the absolute result I got.
& I'm happy I have a bunch of cool people to fall back on and talk nonsense to.
(I very much miss the few team mates!)

And to know that, they'll always be there for me.

And truly, that's my biggest gain out of my tertiary education - People.

Mine start with a P, and frankly speaking, yours can start with A, end with A, and are As all over. Congratulations, but that's not what I am looking at.
;)

And double happiness to those who have both. You are my idols, then. ;)


.

And to those not as happy, regret does you little help, but optimism (carefully weighted, of course!) propels you on.
A million regrets will never turn back the clock; it only serves to retard your current speed, and lose more time.

So why not pull yourself together, and make choices that are most justified in your situations and not cause future regrets. :)

.

SINCERELY, JIALE JIALE JIALE.

Helllooooo, nosey parkers who wants to snoop at A Level results!
I'm not telling unless you i)ask me personally, or ii) use your sources!

Anyway, I'm happy with it & that's what matters.

.


PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE KEEP OUT OF MY SAFE HABOUR.
I'm done being in close vicinity with you, I pretty much am begging you. Wish right now, wish right now...that I will not land up in the same course as you.

Do you believe?

Something gain will always means something else lost.
From any incident.


Did you gain something, like wisdom, while I lost others?




Anger, tears, bewilderment and exasperation.
They drain you (so very very much), yet the random occurrences reassures the strength of the friendship.

I never once doubted our friendship, but truly, I can do without all the drama, love.
They take the life out of me.

& I'm serious when I say I experience the guilt when no one else sees my point.
And through it all, I really find a need to reassure myself that I'm not mean.
Because truly, there's no one else to do it for me.

I advocate self-worth issues, but sometimes, people do get you down.

While you finally get stronger, I find a piece of me missing.
But I'll be fine, I'll be.

.

I'm resigned with how love between 2 is so over-rated.
I'm resigned with how superficial the world function.

I'm exasperated with people who love others more than themselves, and love one so much more than their friends.
(When the one doesn't even place you on the altar, nor treat you sincerely and faithfully.)

I'm tired of just being the one, that gets shoved around & postponed.

And through it all, I'm certain, I will never be like this.
& I pray that all these words from my mind, will never turn to mush and bullshit, the very day in the far future when I fall in love.

'cause I don't want history to repeat, and to merely prove that I mean what I say.

.

Just plain tired.

Things happened.
Things which I didn't expect to, nor did I prepare for.
Things which really, made an impact on my life, or rather certain parts of it.

Food for thought - How reliable is anyone?


Newer Posts

tohjiale
22/12/92
jiale22@hotmail.com
HCanoe
red;orange;yellow

Since Wednesday, I'm a little confused as to where I'm heading to in university.
My dreams are concrete, yet I'm accepting of 2 career choice.

And I guess that's kind of expected because problems and decisions in life never seem so straight-forward aye?

& that's just what I'm planning to do.
I shall just try my best in clinching both offers, and decide when it's time.
I believe I'll have the answers then.



.

It's the school holidays and I'm off work from wed-fri.
The feeling's so superbly great!

I met up with precious humans (at least to me) and I really like picking on their brain and updating myself with them.
It just reaffirms why they're so important to me.

I think, as a friend it's important to share common goals and principles in life else it would just be non-complementary gears trying so damn hard to turn together.
And one day, the whole mechanism just fall apart.

And respect.
For her decisions, and for her thoughts.

Meeting Georgi and YiXian on dates really made me feel a sense of calm that I didn't realise was missing.
Perhaps they reminded me of canoeing, and the happy times.
But at the end of the day, I realise it's because it's them.

The way I can shoot my mouth off and make poor jokes, yet they'll smile.
The way I know effortlessly that they return my love for them.

& the value I place above their heads, and indeed, of their heads.

I think it's not easy meeting friends who have depth, and in them, I find some solace.

Life is great.
How's yours?



Isn't it ludicrous for people to treat live as a joke or use it as a threat when over 3000 people have died in Japan, with 6000 still missing?
Isn't it just plain stupid?

When people don't get to fulfill their dreams, because they i)died or ii)pillars of support died, someone in another part of the world makes a conscious choice to end their live, brushing aside their own dreams.
Is it even the slightest bit fair?

And really, people who waste their live away, just whiling time awaiting death is no better.

One should just live for oneself.

Indeed, one mustn't be self-centered.
But really, I think your own happiness and dreams over rides anyone else's.

If, at any point in time, this dude(tte) is ALWAYS not thinking for you, but for themselves, it's a rude awakening to yourself.

Be happy that you at least get some sign that he/she is merely just a self-centered bastard/bitch who can't care less about you when the emotion strikes them.
But remember, if you don't wake up, ultimately, you have only yourself to blame.

Don't talk about being noble.

If you can't even make YOURSELF happy, how can you make OTHERS happy?
& if you can't even make yourself happy, how can you push the responsibility away and expect others to cheer you up?

.

& I wonder, whether such catastrophe happens to jolt senseless humans, like us, awake & view life more sensibly.
Why the specific 3000+ people then?
Why them, and not me?

& it's another reason for me to live my life better, and more meaningfully.


You know, with autism practically infiltrating my life, it has become all-so-normal to me that I don't even feel the abnormality that people will label them with.

Because of this internship, there was this point in time, this little point in which I told myself:

If the world must always have its share of autistic children, I wouldn't mind one of my kids being autistic.

(Yes, the husband is not in the picture, and the fact that I can't negotiate with God to have only ONE is also lingering in the background, but oh well, it's my brain at its work.)

Evidently something happened to shake me out of this thought and belief.

On Tuesday, JunMing (Yes, him again! :D) hurt himself in school, and being the teacher closest to him, I brought him to the clinic.
Surprisingly, he was so well-behaved that I am so proud of him, but of course he'll never know that aside from my constant ruffling of his hair. LOL.

He never once cry, nor any unconventional behaviour.
He sat when I told him to, and waited patiently.
It's a feat.

Yet, his inability to talk and his child-like behaviour which was deemed inappropriate for his 11-year-old build made others stare at him.
STARE and GAWKED AT, and totally not discouraged by my look of disapproval.
(And I rather thought I had deadly stares.)

Granted, they can have their curiosity, and of course, their ignorance as their claim.
And definitely, it didn't help that JunMing look so perfectly normal (and handsome!).

But at the point, did I realise that, whatever I have learnt about autism will never hold in the world out there.
Whatever I learnt and experienced, was in a sheltered environment that is so fully accepting of autism.
Which is true, mine's a school with this kid differing from the other only in terms of severity.

Yet, there never once was a normal kid there to insert a sense of reality in this environment.
No ugly contrast in nature.
No scary differences at learning inabilities.

Nothing of the sort to raise the alarm that learning ABC at the age of 7, matching one to 1, two to 2, three to 3, is indeed delayed.
Very delayed.

Of course, I never thought it was normal, but you know, how such can become so commonplace.
How autism is in fact the normalcy in my school.
How everyone is so accepting of them.

Which the world isn't.

& that's why being a parent is so difficult.

And the magnitude of the entire thing finally crashed down onto me.
Whoa, me and my idealistic beliefs were so ludicrous, no?

.

And yet again, I have something to thank JunMing for.
The lessons he's given me, even if it's the last week I'm teaching him.
And I do love him, and hope that he'll know.

Know that I really have grown attached to him.
And that I tried my best to look after him in school.
& that he's my favourite.

I hope he knows.
Bought a meaningful book recently, and the first thing learnt is:

How happy are you on your own?
If let's say you're 80 marks happy, then, having a love/partner would have to mean you MUST be at least 81 marks happy.

If not, just be alone.

Being single/"alone" is not bad, it makes you know yourself more, and really sets your expectations high for your love-to-be, because, if you're happy on your own, why would you need someone?
This someone would in fact have to make you happier!

& that's the point.

If he/she doesn't, you might as well be alone.
Because you can; it's a choice.

.

& I think, love breeds independence, not dependence.
It's funny and ironic when one becomes dependent.

Good love makes you self-assured, and confident, and adds to you.
Not depletes you, and make you not even able to fill up the shell of the body you have.
(And really, where has the person he/she loved rotted away to?)

It's stupid, if you think this way.

& I swear, I cannot understand why people will do this to themselves.

Do you think so less of yourself that you can't survive on your own?
& are you being fair to i) yourself, and ii)the other?

.

& I make a promise to myself, to never become so weak.
(& I'll freaking mean it.)


I find that in life, achievements are never only the tangibles.
In fact, the really important ones never really are tangible.

& the tangibles are often in a compromising situation - The more you achieve, the less you have people celebrating with.
(Of course, there are exceptional brilliant ones who can achieve it, but there'll come a point where it becomes compromising, just that the point differs from people to people, based on capabilities.)

So I think it's a personal choice in life.

I never felt the exceptional rush/push to prove to anyone I can do something, even to myself.
'cause you know what? I'm just plain arrogant - I know I can.

And that's just it, 'cause I find no meaning giving up things I like to do for things I don't like, just to prove that I am smart/able or whatever shit.

Of course, I am glad I did well enough to get a good enough rank point that can get me to all courses I desire, even better ones which I don't want. (I personally deem it cool, man.)

But ask me if I regret not having all As, or whatever perfect result, it's a resounding no.

My biggest pride through this all, is the improvement I made from prelims, and not the absolute result I got.
& I'm happy I have a bunch of cool people to fall back on and talk nonsense to.
(I very much miss the few team mates!)

And to know that, they'll always be there for me.

And truly, that's my biggest gain out of my tertiary education - People.

Mine start with a P, and frankly speaking, yours can start with A, end with A, and are As all over. Congratulations, but that's not what I am looking at.
;)

And double happiness to those who have both. You are my idols, then. ;)


.

And to those not as happy, regret does you little help, but optimism (carefully weighted, of course!) propels you on.
A million regrets will never turn back the clock; it only serves to retard your current speed, and lose more time.

So why not pull yourself together, and make choices that are most justified in your situations and not cause future regrets. :)

.

SINCERELY, JIALE JIALE JIALE.
Helllooooo, nosey parkers who wants to snoop at A Level results!
I'm not telling unless you i)ask me personally, or ii) use your sources!

Anyway, I'm happy with it & that's what matters.

.


PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE KEEP OUT OF MY SAFE HABOUR.
I'm done being in close vicinity with you, I pretty much am begging you. Wish right now, wish right now...that I will not land up in the same course as you.
Do you believe?

Something gain will always means something else lost.
From any incident.


Did you gain something, like wisdom, while I lost others?



Anger, tears, bewilderment and exasperation.
They drain you (so very very much), yet the random occurrences reassures the strength of the friendship.

I never once doubted our friendship, but truly, I can do without all the drama, love.
They take the life out of me.

& I'm serious when I say I experience the guilt when no one else sees my point.
And through it all, I really find a need to reassure myself that I'm not mean.
Because truly, there's no one else to do it for me.

I advocate self-worth issues, but sometimes, people do get you down.

While you finally get stronger, I find a piece of me missing.
But I'll be fine, I'll be.

.

I'm resigned with how love between 2 is so over-rated.
I'm resigned with how superficial the world function.

I'm exasperated with people who love others more than themselves, and love one so much more than their friends.
(When the one doesn't even place you on the altar, nor treat you sincerely and faithfully.)

I'm tired of just being the one, that gets shoved around & postponed.

And through it all, I'm certain, I will never be like this.
& I pray that all these words from my mind, will never turn to mush and bullshit, the very day in the far future when I fall in love.

'cause I don't want history to repeat, and to merely prove that I mean what I say.

.

Just plain tired.

Things happened.
Things which I didn't expect to, nor did I prepare for.
Things which really, made an impact on my life, or rather certain parts of it.

Food for thought - How reliable is anyone?


Newer Posts

By post:

1. Chapter 258:
2. Chapter 256:
3. Chapter 255:
4. Chapter 254:
5. Chapter 253:
6. Chapter 252:
7. Chapter 251:
8. Chapter 250:
9. Chapter 249:
10. Chapter 248:

By month:

June 2009

July 2009

August 2009

December 2009

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

October 2010

November 2010

December 2010

January 2011

February 2011

March 2011

April 2011

May 2011

June 2011

July 2011

August 2011

September 2011

October 2011

November 2011

January 2012

Patrina
YianLu

ChunHou
Crystal
HeeYi
Jayken
Kenneth
TingYan
WeiLi
YiJia
ZhengWei

Chuin Yin
Georgina
HuiShan
LimMin
Lousia
QiTian
Sandy
XinFang
YiXian

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