My posts are not in any way directed at anyone, it's just an outlet for me to let off steam. Simply because I don't wanna scream/shout at anyone.

Because I know no one is to be blamed for a particular event.

& therefore, I'll only reply "Don't worry too much" too any queries that's too personal.

Why personal?

Because sometimes I know I feel :( merely because of my insecurities.
& no one should be blamed for my own insecurities, aside from myself.

Though unthoughtful acts, inconsistency in your words make me much more anxious and fearful, it's a side I don't show to most people.

And therefore I say "Don't worry too much." when the hammer hits the nail too close on the head.

I'm not lying or denying any claims you've made 'cause you deserve my honesty.

But sometimes, certain things, I don't wanna talk about it with you, when you're so involved in the incident.
I don't wanna tell you, you hurt me, you make me sad, and having to elaborate all those nonsense, and eventually telling you it's me being insecure.

Because I fear it's a vicious cycle of making you :( and then me, again.

So why do it?

Let's just allow this blog of mine to be my outlet, ok? I do need it.


And I guess, my weakness is unable to let on my deepest weaknesses to y'all.






Sometimes, it's a joy to organise outings, especially when's there a meaningful objective behind the gathering.

But at times, when you becomes the sole person behind it, and when you're working daily, and feeling shagged out daily + getting sick, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel :( when things don't go smoothly.

Because I don't like the guilt that comes with it.
Don't like the feeling of the pressing dateline.
Don't like the responsibility of making everyone happy when I'm not exactly happy.

Don't like feeling under-appreciated.


.

I need (mental) strength.

.

Random thought of the day, the special power I would like to have would be:

The ability to detect lies and sincerity (or lack thereof).

Wouldn't you?

.

24January2011 was a special day, JunMing had a severe meltdown, & it made me feel fear which I haven't felt for quite a long time - fear for my safety and his.
Yet, moments later, he made me smile for the love I feel.

.

This week is killing me, I am super tired as there are events after work EVERYDAY thought 2 tuitions have been postponed to Sunday.
I need sleep.
*ROAR*

Monday - Movie, Tuesday - MY LOVELY G, Wednesday - K & NH, Thursday - Y Confidence, Friday - Tuition.

I am sorely tempted to cancel some (even today's) but I can't help it.
Just like how I can't help posting now.

.

Yawns, night people.
I really NEED to sleep.

You told me, every time I did something sweet, that you're immensely touched.
You told me that she and I are in different league in your social circle.
You told me that I am more important than her.

You told me, you told me.

You told me, if she was not there/unwilling, you don't mind doing it with me.

You told me, you told me.

You told me, that I was the one who touched you deep, while she's only your superficial playmate.

That's what you told me.


Tell me then, what am I supposed to believe?
What I hear from you, or what I see?


It's not hurt, it's stabs.

.




*breathe in, breathe out.


Note: PMS does not make me think illogically, it just amplifies all (negative) feelings by tenfolds.

Simply put, incidents which I usually pretend to sweep under the rug is baring its teeth at me at this moment.






Yes, at this hour, what else can I do, but think?

I'm back from a movie - The Fighter w the guys, & I'm mad tired!
But I really feel like penning(typing) some thoughts down, while the computer is co-operating with me.




But it actually got me thinking for a moment.

One of life's worse moment is to realise that no matter how much you steeled your heart against someone, all resolve turns to mush the moment that person bats an eyelid.
It really do suck - to feel so vulnerable in front of someone.



& do you know what's worst?
It's when this person over here is well aware of this little weakness of yours, and exploits it to no end.

She just passed the love on, without so much of a thought.

It's just like how the mom & Dicky exploits Micky, no?
& until one fine(or rather, unfortunate) day, did he finally awoke.


I swear, I will not want to let anyone close to me undergo such things, but really such is choices and lessons in life, no?
I spent ages struggling with myself to come to terms, & I may not even have yet to.
So really, what rights do I have to deter people from doing this?

Because, truthfully, if I haven't been through that, I wouldn't have believed it.


Hey, I spent 6 years.
How long will you?

I'm still rooting, rooting for you & I still hope all will turn out fine.
Yet, I'm not the one falling down the tunnel of love, hence, I'm without the faith of love.
Forgive me for that, won't you?


.


The Concept of Passing the Love on.

Let me illustrate using myself as an example:

My mom loves me a lot, and I do her.
But really, the extent of her love to me is immeasurable, this I know.
Yet, I get impatient with her & takes her for granted.

Never have I once told her I loved her, nor have I truly been the filial daughter one should be.

Simply put, I exploit her love, or rather, I pass it on.

I'm really guilty of it.
I pass it on to my friends, who in turn pass it on to others.
(Aside from really, one/two who I really think treasures me for who I am, I sometimes feel I can be a pushover when you're my friend.)

Even those who are the closest to me, the ones I take care of the most, the ones I put in the most effort, sometimes I just feel being swept aside when their interests are in conflict with mine.

& that's when the love is passed on.

Simply put, let's rearrange all our priorities in life.
Unless priorities are mutual, e.g. I place you first, you me, else love will just be passed from party to party.

& we always mourn for the love that was passed on by others that was from us, but never think twice about the love we passed on, no?


And because I make so much sense out of this theory, my goals in life have changed.
It's no longer fracturing my leg/elbow to experience it. (Hahah, don't ask me why!)

I just hope to meet someone who pass love on to me, and me back to him.
& I aspire for it to remain in the cycle.

Because if that happens, I guess it wouldn't matter where I am, and what I do.

But really, life isn't that perfect.
So I guess, I will have to re-adjust my thinking within a few years.

But oh well, don't burst my bubble yet!

.


Love, jiale.

.



There's always thousands of reasons to be perplexed, but there's also at least one to be happy.
Today, simply, because it's the 22nd.

I like how I am EXACTLY 18years & 1month old, don't you?

All these are besides the point, I know.
But I don't think there's anything else I can help with. :(

I won't ask unnecessary questions, but feel free to speak when you want.

♥.




Please refer to the chapter number of this post:
It's an important number to me, because it's one of the classes that really made me who I am today.

In this memorable class, I met:

1. People who stuck by me till this day & are always so wonderfully sweet to me - TingYan, ZhengWei, WeiLun, etc.

Thank you for bearing with my nonsense during my most irrational years of my life.
I haven't always been this nice, what more with me already not being one of the nicest souls on Earth currently.

Thank you for the umpteen chances and the magnitude of tolerance & love y'all shown me.

It's ♥.




2. Someone whom I really couldn't imagine being important, yet have become such an integrated role in my life - YiJia.

Thank you for making my life in HwaChong so much smoother.
Thank you for being the one who stood by me during the initial months of HwaChong, when I really thought I would haven been broken, with the main point being - you are totally not obliged to.

Sometimes, I am still unsure of whether we're there for each other (inc. Fly & Xuan) for companionship or really because we found people we really like.
So pardon my awkwardness when we haven't met for a while, and at times, my lack of faith.

But, hope will make us strong - I hope.




3. Someone whom I sometimes refuse to acknowledge, but have indeed taught me a lot.

At times, I would rather do away with all these lessons in life you have ungraciously imposed on me, if that could have spared me the immense agony.
But till now, I still hold on to the idea that you were once sincerely sweet to me.

If I momentarily censor the hurt I feel, I think I do really have some events to thank you for.
Thank you for being the one who played mediator between Pat & I in sec 1.
Thank you for once supporting me.

& other than that, I think I will have to reserve my appreciation, because sometimes, blatant lies & sins of omissions, being glib & being sincere really do confuses me to no end when it comes to you.

And yes, it was in the class that I really learn to stop being a bitch. (while I still can be, but that's besides the point.)


.


Watched ShaoLin w Lulu! ♥
I really appreciate the show a lot for its plot, actors, action and the heart-warming parts of the movie.



Whatever morals that we're supposed to take away from the movie is so far away from me.
How can I let go of materialistic wants went I'm so entrenched in prospects of future careers and lifestyle?

While it's evident that our possessions far surpass and satisfy our needs, it's the wants that limitless, no?
& it's so hard to let it all go.

Truly, I wonder how some are able to do it.


.

When I get stressed (subconsciously), I like watching movies that makes me cry. Because it takes the edge away from me, and prevents me from crying in real life & hence feeling like a loser.
It's amazingly therapeutic for me.

.


& a question that's bothering me - Will I ever find someone who places his/her interests on par with my interests and really be there when I need help?
And can I find someone I am willing to do that for?

I'll tell you in 20 years time.

But recently, my heart got colder & I don't like it.






(Shall go get myself comfy by removing contact + pee!)

Okay here goes :

(I don't care if you don't wanna read it, TINGYAN wants to read it!)

He's an 11 year old, with his left eyelashes being twice the length of his right eyelashes, has wonderful complexion & is cute when he doesn't frown.

Initially, I was really afraid of him 'cause he had a record of being super rigid.
& yes, all behaviours from initial post stated were what I learnt from him.

Not only that, he used to floor, push and injure people (unintentionally) in the process of having temper tantrums.
Coupled to being non-verbal, it's maddening to understand him.

Now, I know he babbles when he's anxious, & has grown to calm down when I ruffles his hair.
He understands instructions like "JunMing, action", like sit, stand, work.

The trouble comes when explaining to him even more complex matter that we don't even try - for fear of causing more confusion to him.


.


Most autistic kids can't comprehend the concept of 'finish' & therefore such must be taught to them from young.
They can sit in front of the television for hours, slowly growing more anxious as they do not know when it's over.

A subsequent trouble is without 'finishing' they cannot disengage from the activity, therefore can't move on to another, hence stuck.
& when stuck, anxiety rises for them till a point they will have a meltdown which are displays of unconventional behaviours - screaming, flooring, biting, etc.


.

& this is the basics we teach them in school - not ABC, nor 123.

Of course, there are autistic kids which are higher functional, that can even head off to mainstream studies, but kids in my schools are lower functional.

JunMing is one of them who is lower - he can't even count up to 5.

So I guess what's important is to mould them into functional beings, according to societal standards, & to communicate to us in a conventional way.
The latter is important, as only then will we know what they want.

At 11 year old, he finally made improvements as he is so much more calm now.
& when calm, any unexpected changed thrown their way is handled more effectively.

He is now able to tolerate mistakes I make, which would have confused him.
& is able to pull my hand to indicate what he wants instead of simply crying and wailing.


.


The first time he pulled my hand to gesture that he needed something, I was frightened by the strength and insistence he had.
I almost wanted to push him away and ask him to go back to his work.
(I'm glad I didn't)

Later, I realised it's his way of communicating what he wants.

The second time he did it, I was amazed.

Such skill is taken for granted by us, but I really treasure it by looking at him.

While it took much effort to figure out what he wants, since he just pulls me around the room, it teaches me patience - to not push him away but attempt to understand what he wants.

Now, I feel absolute joy when he pulls my hand, 'cause at least I feel appreciated as he knows I will try to understand him.


.


The next few days will be difficult, 'cause we'll be attempting to undo a mistake we did by introducing new elements into his study programme too quickly that he actually lost the meaning of it, and now is struggling.

Such are occasions I wish he could talk.

You know, I really do love him that I'm kind of glad he isn't like a typical child.
Because if he returns my affections and can understand the conventional way of love, I think the day I am required to not be a teacher to him will break my heart.

& through this all, I think the noblest act of a teacher, is to know that while you would want the child to love you, even depend on you to know that he needs you, you should place his interest above yours.
Essentially, it means that you will prepare him to NOT need you, and become independent.
& it's hard, because you realise that he has become part of your life already, while you're preparing him to not let you be part of his.


.


You will be amaze at the greatness an autistic soul have.
Their unconventional actions are often condemned as 'bad' & 'disruptive', but look beneath you will know it's due to their inadequacy to express their problems.

At their core, they are kinder than you and I, & so very honest that it's so endearing.


Perhaps, their purpose in life, is mainly to educate us that things that are deviants, may not necessarily be bad, & that having such special needs children really re-define life as a whole.

.



Hello, this lady above helped me a lot to settle in into Eden School!
She's my co-teacher/partner when handling the class.
Heehee, I feel blessed.

And because, I feel that things happened for a reason, and fate awes me.
How when she's about to leave, I joined & us being placed together.

I can't bear the thought of either of us leaving the adorable kids.
Sigh.

.

Define rigidity.

It's having to close all doors, all zips constantly.
It's switching off all lights when you leave the room, even if there's still 6 others in the room.
It's having to take the same staircase everyday.
It's having the exact same book each time at every particular place.
It's peeing into the same urinal each time - even if it means pushing someone else away.
It's picking up litter that's not yours, and throwing it in the bin.

Such is the rigidity I see.

It's bewildering yet amazing at the same time.

He's the lowest functioning kid in the class, but I love him the most.
He's such a baby, in a 11 year old body, that I worry what will happen in a few years time, when it has just be a few weeks with him.

& I mean it when I ask, if they aren't given the discipline and control we have, why do they need to handle with the troublesome testosterone coursing through their blood?!?!?!
I feel so exasperated for them!

I am so glad to be given this opportunity to experience first-hand what autism is.
Life's a blast 'cause of this even though I feel so zonked out at the end of the day.


.

Met up w NguanHan & Brian for lunch on Sat.
Dinner at Serangoon/Little India (DIMSUM!!) w Pat & her love - ChoonZhe.
NguanHan, Brian & Keith for dinner, or rather Astons for dinner, yesterday.

DINNER DATE W ZHENGWEI TMR FOR HIS BIRTHDAY CELE.
I miss talking to him so much.

.

Heeheee, it's Fly's first day of work...at my workplace - Eden School!
Cheers x 1oooooo!
Having a great friend working with you is a blast!


We went on a movie date at WestMall after work + induction (training course)!

Love & Other Drugs!

The leads are just so dashing and gorgeous!

It's M18, and as it doesn't involve gore, it's multiple sex scenes.
& through it all, I was just thinking about how the coupleSSSSSS around me were reacting.

I mean, hell, ain't that awkward!
(Especially those who just got together.)

Hahaha, anyway, it wasn't too bad a show, but the most exciting part of the show was that we rushed to the toilet in the midst of the show.
(Nothing beats yourself being the leads of your life, hur.)

.


I find it a blessing to find friends with common interests as me, as it's so easy to deliver a message, knowing that they truly understand the depth of emotions you associate with that particular incident.

While of course, this may be the very reason why we become friends, it does not negate the awe and happiness I experience for having found them.


.


One most obvious thing I've learnt from the past 2 weeks, is to have patience and love for kids.

Like, really.






For the recent past days, I've been learning so much more about autism, kids affected w it, & really, simply more about myself.

I learn that I am indeed emotional when standing in the hall, on the first day of school, I felt like crying, simply because of the autistic children around me.
The heart tries its best not to ache at the mere sight of these beautiful children who will never get to experience life as I have and will.

& again this sour feeling invaded my heart today when I saw a mother crying at the foyer after her child left for his class while putting up a struggle and having a temper tantrum.

I learnt how patient I can be when I'm with them, and no, I am not at all patient with normal (neurotypical) children who have behavioral problems.

I learn how hard it is to stand my ground when the child I've grown attached to cry miserably.
I find it hard not to say "It's okay" & pats him on his head, and to do whatever he wants me to do when he stares at me with his eyes filled with tears.

& through this, I learn how love comes with rules because you want him to become better, yet it makes you miserable to even make him anxious for that few minutes.

And really, how much love I feel when he smiles at me.
(Even though I know he might not view me as a person but merely an object that brings him comfort, I am beyond happy that he finds meaning and happiness in me.)


.


Everyday it's such a learning journey that I look forward to lessons with them.
& to watch them complete little tasks, which means nothing to you and I, is such satisfaction to me.

Everybody says how nice it is for me to voluntarily work there, albeit with pay.
They have no idea how humbling this process is.

I held great expectation for this job, because it may in fact be a prelude to my future.

Guess what, it opens my eyes to so much more - what I can do to help them.

The struggles they face is so real that the efforts they make is so precious.
& the mistakes I make are so unassuming that it makes me think back and reflect.
And it's all these that makes me so contented.


.

& I salute parents who accept their child as who they are.
It's really a difficult journey, and I thank God such children are sent to them.

I may not know why they can't be born normal.
But rather than ponder why and be left perplexed without any answers, I am sorely tempted to commit myself to alleviate lives of such children.


But I do wonder, if my life means to help autism kids, what do their lives mean to them?

& what we are in fact doing, is helping them find meaning in OUR world, but really, are we using the power of the majority now?

(I'm merely thinking whether do they find meaning in their original culture because I do find that our efforts are required for them to be functional in OUR world.)

.


Through it all, I can only say another dimension in life is opening up for me, and it's only 1 week with them.

I can't tell you how cute they are, and how innocent they are.
& I can't share with you the pain felt when they have temper tantrums - merely because they can't express what they want.

Never have I seen people so without malice and intention that they just took my heart away.

.

They are real.

& I feel immensely drawn towards them.




Hi Yi Jia, you owe me a treat on pay day for (indirectly) letting you have a meaningful holiday job that you enjoy.

Thank you.

*grins*

Things you require before you enter a relationship:

1. Self-love.

This is important, because you don't ever want to love the other person so much more than you love yourself that you lose yourself.



2. A trust-worthy friend.

That he/she will never want the worse (or rather, Not want the best), for you.
Be confident that he/she gives you the honest feedback that you need, not want, to hear.


If you don't have any, don't even contemplate a relationship.
I mean it.

I'm losing faith in people to be:
(i) smarter than I expect them to be,
(ii) nicer than I want them to be.

Am I offering too much benefits of the doubts even from what I've seen previously?
How much evil/harm/hurt is one capable of?
How much evil/harm/hurt must one be inflicted with before the awakening?

& who am I to judged really, when I:
(i) was once a victim for 6 looooong years, and even now still see shadows of the stupid person,
(ii) am not a participant of this entire event.


Disclaimer: Not implying anything, but for eyes of someone who understands that no matter how exasperated I sound, I stand by him.

.

I like experiences, even if through eyes and ears of others.
I value them even more if the said owners of the 5 senses are the wonderful people I cherish in life.

But, I think, with experience comes maturity and cynicism, hand in hand.

& in this second, I am thinking how do I gain the former while by-passing the other.

Simply because, I despise ignorance, yet is unable to let go of my optimistic nature - something I take joy and pride in.

Was supposed to countdown at Rach's place, end up I slept while they counted down since I was sick.

Like really sick, don't tell me, yea you were too.
I don't give a damn 'cause seriously, I was SICK.

So I slept.
& woke up at 2am to diarrhea non-stop till 3pm in the afternoon.
(It eventually stopped 'cause I've stopped taking in food, not that the digestive system stopped rioting.)

I subsequently went home to bless my toilet.

What a nice new year.
Hahahahaha.

But I was rather touched by the few who were there & were really concerned!
They kept checking on me through the night & ensured I was warm enough + whether my fever subsided.


.

You don't mark someone down for not being there, but rather, you alleviate positions of those there that the relative positions of those who aren't there dropped.
Yes?


. Newer Posts

tohjiale
22/12/92
jiale22@hotmail.com
HCanoe
red;orange;yellow

My posts are not in any way directed at anyone, it's just an outlet for me to let off steam. Simply because I don't wanna scream/shout at anyone.

Because I know no one is to be blamed for a particular event.

& therefore, I'll only reply "Don't worry too much" too any queries that's too personal.

Why personal?

Because sometimes I know I feel :( merely because of my insecurities.
& no one should be blamed for my own insecurities, aside from myself.

Though unthoughtful acts, inconsistency in your words make me much more anxious and fearful, it's a side I don't show to most people.

And therefore I say "Don't worry too much." when the hammer hits the nail too close on the head.

I'm not lying or denying any claims you've made 'cause you deserve my honesty.

But sometimes, certain things, I don't wanna talk about it with you, when you're so involved in the incident.
I don't wanna tell you, you hurt me, you make me sad, and having to elaborate all those nonsense, and eventually telling you it's me being insecure.

Because I fear it's a vicious cycle of making you :( and then me, again.

So why do it?

Let's just allow this blog of mine to be my outlet, ok? I do need it.


And I guess, my weakness is unable to let on my deepest weaknesses to y'all.





Sometimes, it's a joy to organise outings, especially when's there a meaningful objective behind the gathering.

But at times, when you becomes the sole person behind it, and when you're working daily, and feeling shagged out daily + getting sick, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel :( when things don't go smoothly.

Because I don't like the guilt that comes with it.
Don't like the feeling of the pressing dateline.
Don't like the responsibility of making everyone happy when I'm not exactly happy.

Don't like feeling under-appreciated.


.

I need (mental) strength.

.
Random thought of the day, the special power I would like to have would be:

The ability to detect lies and sincerity (or lack thereof).

Wouldn't you?

.

24January2011 was a special day, JunMing had a severe meltdown, & it made me feel fear which I haven't felt for quite a long time - fear for my safety and his.
Yet, moments later, he made me smile for the love I feel.

.

This week is killing me, I am super tired as there are events after work EVERYDAY thought 2 tuitions have been postponed to Sunday.
I need sleep.
*ROAR*

Monday - Movie, Tuesday - MY LOVELY G, Wednesday - K & NH, Thursday - Y Confidence, Friday - Tuition.

I am sorely tempted to cancel some (even today's) but I can't help it.
Just like how I can't help posting now.

.

Yawns, night people.
I really NEED to sleep.
You told me, every time I did something sweet, that you're immensely touched.
You told me that she and I are in different league in your social circle.
You told me that I am more important than her.

You told me, you told me.

You told me, if she was not there/unwilling, you don't mind doing it with me.

You told me, you told me.

You told me, that I was the one who touched you deep, while she's only your superficial playmate.

That's what you told me.


Tell me then, what am I supposed to believe?
What I hear from you, or what I see?


It's not hurt, it's stabs.

.




*breathe in, breathe out.


Note: PMS does not make me think illogically, it just amplifies all (negative) feelings by tenfolds.

Simply put, incidents which I usually pretend to sweep under the rug is baring its teeth at me at this moment.





Yes, at this hour, what else can I do, but think?

I'm back from a movie - The Fighter w the guys, & I'm mad tired!
But I really feel like penning(typing) some thoughts down, while the computer is co-operating with me.




But it actually got me thinking for a moment.

One of life's worse moment is to realise that no matter how much you steeled your heart against someone, all resolve turns to mush the moment that person bats an eyelid.
It really do suck - to feel so vulnerable in front of someone.



& do you know what's worst?
It's when this person over here is well aware of this little weakness of yours, and exploits it to no end.

She just passed the love on, without so much of a thought.

It's just like how the mom & Dicky exploits Micky, no?
& until one fine(or rather, unfortunate) day, did he finally awoke.


I swear, I will not want to let anyone close to me undergo such things, but really such is choices and lessons in life, no?
I spent ages struggling with myself to come to terms, & I may not even have yet to.
So really, what rights do I have to deter people from doing this?

Because, truthfully, if I haven't been through that, I wouldn't have believed it.


Hey, I spent 6 years.
How long will you?

I'm still rooting, rooting for you & I still hope all will turn out fine.
Yet, I'm not the one falling down the tunnel of love, hence, I'm without the faith of love.
Forgive me for that, won't you?


.


The Concept of Passing the Love on.

Let me illustrate using myself as an example:

My mom loves me a lot, and I do her.
But really, the extent of her love to me is immeasurable, this I know.
Yet, I get impatient with her & takes her for granted.

Never have I once told her I loved her, nor have I truly been the filial daughter one should be.

Simply put, I exploit her love, or rather, I pass it on.

I'm really guilty of it.
I pass it on to my friends, who in turn pass it on to others.
(Aside from really, one/two who I really think treasures me for who I am, I sometimes feel I can be a pushover when you're my friend.)

Even those who are the closest to me, the ones I take care of the most, the ones I put in the most effort, sometimes I just feel being swept aside when their interests are in conflict with mine.

& that's when the love is passed on.

Simply put, let's rearrange all our priorities in life.
Unless priorities are mutual, e.g. I place you first, you me, else love will just be passed from party to party.

& we always mourn for the love that was passed on by others that was from us, but never think twice about the love we passed on, no?


And because I make so much sense out of this theory, my goals in life have changed.
It's no longer fracturing my leg/elbow to experience it. (Hahah, don't ask me why!)

I just hope to meet someone who pass love on to me, and me back to him.
& I aspire for it to remain in the cycle.

Because if that happens, I guess it wouldn't matter where I am, and what I do.

But really, life isn't that perfect.
So I guess, I will have to re-adjust my thinking within a few years.

But oh well, don't burst my bubble yet!

.


Love, jiale.

.


There's always thousands of reasons to be perplexed, but there's also at least one to be happy.
Today, simply, because it's the 22nd.

I like how I am EXACTLY 18years & 1month old, don't you?

All these are besides the point, I know.
But I don't think there's anything else I can help with. :(

I won't ask unnecessary questions, but feel free to speak when you want.

♥.



Please refer to the chapter number of this post:
It's an important number to me, because it's one of the classes that really made me who I am today.

In this memorable class, I met:

1. People who stuck by me till this day & are always so wonderfully sweet to me - TingYan, ZhengWei, WeiLun, etc.

Thank you for bearing with my nonsense during my most irrational years of my life.
I haven't always been this nice, what more with me already not being one of the nicest souls on Earth currently.

Thank you for the umpteen chances and the magnitude of tolerance & love y'all shown me.

It's ♥.




2. Someone whom I really couldn't imagine being important, yet have become such an integrated role in my life - YiJia.

Thank you for making my life in HwaChong so much smoother.
Thank you for being the one who stood by me during the initial months of HwaChong, when I really thought I would haven been broken, with the main point being - you are totally not obliged to.

Sometimes, I am still unsure of whether we're there for each other (inc. Fly & Xuan) for companionship or really because we found people we really like.
So pardon my awkwardness when we haven't met for a while, and at times, my lack of faith.

But, hope will make us strong - I hope.




3. Someone whom I sometimes refuse to acknowledge, but have indeed taught me a lot.

At times, I would rather do away with all these lessons in life you have ungraciously imposed on me, if that could have spared me the immense agony.
But till now, I still hold on to the idea that you were once sincerely sweet to me.

If I momentarily censor the hurt I feel, I think I do really have some events to thank you for.
Thank you for being the one who played mediator between Pat & I in sec 1.
Thank you for once supporting me.

& other than that, I think I will have to reserve my appreciation, because sometimes, blatant lies & sins of omissions, being glib & being sincere really do confuses me to no end when it comes to you.

And yes, it was in the class that I really learn to stop being a bitch. (while I still can be, but that's besides the point.)


.


Watched ShaoLin w Lulu! ♥
I really appreciate the show a lot for its plot, actors, action and the heart-warming parts of the movie.



Whatever morals that we're supposed to take away from the movie is so far away from me.
How can I let go of materialistic wants went I'm so entrenched in prospects of future careers and lifestyle?

While it's evident that our possessions far surpass and satisfy our needs, it's the wants that limitless, no?
& it's so hard to let it all go.

Truly, I wonder how some are able to do it.


.

When I get stressed (subconsciously), I like watching movies that makes me cry. Because it takes the edge away from me, and prevents me from crying in real life & hence feeling like a loser.
It's amazingly therapeutic for me.

.


& a question that's bothering me - Will I ever find someone who places his/her interests on par with my interests and really be there when I need help?
And can I find someone I am willing to do that for?

I'll tell you in 20 years time.

But recently, my heart got colder & I don't like it.





(Shall go get myself comfy by removing contact + pee!)

Okay here goes :

(I don't care if you don't wanna read it, TINGYAN wants to read it!)

He's an 11 year old, with his left eyelashes being twice the length of his right eyelashes, has wonderful complexion & is cute when he doesn't frown.

Initially, I was really afraid of him 'cause he had a record of being super rigid.
& yes, all behaviours from initial post stated were what I learnt from him.

Not only that, he used to floor, push and injure people (unintentionally) in the process of having temper tantrums.
Coupled to being non-verbal, it's maddening to understand him.

Now, I know he babbles when he's anxious, & has grown to calm down when I ruffles his hair.
He understands instructions like "JunMing, action", like sit, stand, work.

The trouble comes when explaining to him even more complex matter that we don't even try - for fear of causing more confusion to him.


.


Most autistic kids can't comprehend the concept of 'finish' & therefore such must be taught to them from young.
They can sit in front of the television for hours, slowly growing more anxious as they do not know when it's over.

A subsequent trouble is without 'finishing' they cannot disengage from the activity, therefore can't move on to another, hence stuck.
& when stuck, anxiety rises for them till a point they will have a meltdown which are displays of unconventional behaviours - screaming, flooring, biting, etc.


.

& this is the basics we teach them in school - not ABC, nor 123.

Of course, there are autistic kids which are higher functional, that can even head off to mainstream studies, but kids in my schools are lower functional.

JunMing is one of them who is lower - he can't even count up to 5.

So I guess what's important is to mould them into functional beings, according to societal standards, & to communicate to us in a conventional way.
The latter is important, as only then will we know what they want.

At 11 year old, he finally made improvements as he is so much more calm now.
& when calm, any unexpected changed thrown their way is handled more effectively.

He is now able to tolerate mistakes I make, which would have confused him.
& is able to pull my hand to indicate what he wants instead of simply crying and wailing.


.


The first time he pulled my hand to gesture that he needed something, I was frightened by the strength and insistence he had.
I almost wanted to push him away and ask him to go back to his work.
(I'm glad I didn't)

Later, I realised it's his way of communicating what he wants.

The second time he did it, I was amazed.

Such skill is taken for granted by us, but I really treasure it by looking at him.

While it took much effort to figure out what he wants, since he just pulls me around the room, it teaches me patience - to not push him away but attempt to understand what he wants.

Now, I feel absolute joy when he pulls my hand, 'cause at least I feel appreciated as he knows I will try to understand him.


.


The next few days will be difficult, 'cause we'll be attempting to undo a mistake we did by introducing new elements into his study programme too quickly that he actually lost the meaning of it, and now is struggling.

Such are occasions I wish he could talk.

You know, I really do love him that I'm kind of glad he isn't like a typical child.
Because if he returns my affections and can understand the conventional way of love, I think the day I am required to not be a teacher to him will break my heart.

& through this all, I think the noblest act of a teacher, is to know that while you would want the child to love you, even depend on you to know that he needs you, you should place his interest above yours.
Essentially, it means that you will prepare him to NOT need you, and become independent.
& it's hard, because you realise that he has become part of your life already, while you're preparing him to not let you be part of his.


.


You will be amaze at the greatness an autistic soul have.
Their unconventional actions are often condemned as 'bad' & 'disruptive', but look beneath you will know it's due to their inadequacy to express their problems.

At their core, they are kinder than you and I, & so very honest that it's so endearing.


Perhaps, their purpose in life, is mainly to educate us that things that are deviants, may not necessarily be bad, & that having such special needs children really re-define life as a whole.

.


Hello, this lady above helped me a lot to settle in into Eden School!
She's my co-teacher/partner when handling the class.
Heehee, I feel blessed.

And because, I feel that things happened for a reason, and fate awes me.
How when she's about to leave, I joined & us being placed together.

I can't bear the thought of either of us leaving the adorable kids.
Sigh.

.

Define rigidity.

It's having to close all doors, all zips constantly.
It's switching off all lights when you leave the room, even if there's still 6 others in the room.
It's having to take the same staircase everyday.
It's having the exact same book each time at every particular place.
It's peeing into the same urinal each time - even if it means pushing someone else away.
It's picking up litter that's not yours, and throwing it in the bin.

Such is the rigidity I see.

It's bewildering yet amazing at the same time.

He's the lowest functioning kid in the class, but I love him the most.
He's such a baby, in a 11 year old body, that I worry what will happen in a few years time, when it has just be a few weeks with him.

& I mean it when I ask, if they aren't given the discipline and control we have, why do they need to handle with the troublesome testosterone coursing through their blood?!?!?!
I feel so exasperated for them!

I am so glad to be given this opportunity to experience first-hand what autism is.
Life's a blast 'cause of this even though I feel so zonked out at the end of the day.


.

Met up w NguanHan & Brian for lunch on Sat.
Dinner at Serangoon/Little India (DIMSUM!!) w Pat & her love - ChoonZhe.
NguanHan, Brian & Keith for dinner, or rather Astons for dinner, yesterday.

DINNER DATE W ZHENGWEI TMR FOR HIS BIRTHDAY CELE.
I miss talking to him so much.

.
Heeheee, it's Fly's first day of work...at my workplace - Eden School!
Cheers x 1oooooo!
Having a great friend working with you is a blast!


We went on a movie date at WestMall after work + induction (training course)!

Love & Other Drugs!

The leads are just so dashing and gorgeous!

It's M18, and as it doesn't involve gore, it's multiple sex scenes.
& through it all, I was just thinking about how the coupleSSSSSS around me were reacting.

I mean, hell, ain't that awkward!
(Especially those who just got together.)

Hahaha, anyway, it wasn't too bad a show, but the most exciting part of the show was that we rushed to the toilet in the midst of the show.
(Nothing beats yourself being the leads of your life, hur.)

.


I find it a blessing to find friends with common interests as me, as it's so easy to deliver a message, knowing that they truly understand the depth of emotions you associate with that particular incident.

While of course, this may be the very reason why we become friends, it does not negate the awe and happiness I experience for having found them.


.


One most obvious thing I've learnt from the past 2 weeks, is to have patience and love for kids.

Like, really.





For the recent past days, I've been learning so much more about autism, kids affected w it, & really, simply more about myself.

I learn that I am indeed emotional when standing in the hall, on the first day of school, I felt like crying, simply because of the autistic children around me.
The heart tries its best not to ache at the mere sight of these beautiful children who will never get to experience life as I have and will.

& again this sour feeling invaded my heart today when I saw a mother crying at the foyer after her child left for his class while putting up a struggle and having a temper tantrum.

I learnt how patient I can be when I'm with them, and no, I am not at all patient with normal (neurotypical) children who have behavioral problems.

I learn how hard it is to stand my ground when the child I've grown attached to cry miserably.
I find it hard not to say "It's okay" & pats him on his head, and to do whatever he wants me to do when he stares at me with his eyes filled with tears.

& through this, I learn how love comes with rules because you want him to become better, yet it makes you miserable to even make him anxious for that few minutes.

And really, how much love I feel when he smiles at me.
(Even though I know he might not view me as a person but merely an object that brings him comfort, I am beyond happy that he finds meaning and happiness in me.)


.


Everyday it's such a learning journey that I look forward to lessons with them.
& to watch them complete little tasks, which means nothing to you and I, is such satisfaction to me.

Everybody says how nice it is for me to voluntarily work there, albeit with pay.
They have no idea how humbling this process is.

I held great expectation for this job, because it may in fact be a prelude to my future.

Guess what, it opens my eyes to so much more - what I can do to help them.

The struggles they face is so real that the efforts they make is so precious.
& the mistakes I make are so unassuming that it makes me think back and reflect.
And it's all these that makes me so contented.


.

& I salute parents who accept their child as who they are.
It's really a difficult journey, and I thank God such children are sent to them.

I may not know why they can't be born normal.
But rather than ponder why and be left perplexed without any answers, I am sorely tempted to commit myself to alleviate lives of such children.


But I do wonder, if my life means to help autism kids, what do their lives mean to them?

& what we are in fact doing, is helping them find meaning in OUR world, but really, are we using the power of the majority now?

(I'm merely thinking whether do they find meaning in their original culture because I do find that our efforts are required for them to be functional in OUR world.)

.


Through it all, I can only say another dimension in life is opening up for me, and it's only 1 week with them.

I can't tell you how cute they are, and how innocent they are.
& I can't share with you the pain felt when they have temper tantrums - merely because they can't express what they want.

Never have I seen people so without malice and intention that they just took my heart away.

.

They are real.

& I feel immensely drawn towards them.



Hi Yi Jia, you owe me a treat on pay day for (indirectly) letting you have a meaningful holiday job that you enjoy.

Thank you.

*grins*
Things you require before you enter a relationship:

1. Self-love.

This is important, because you don't ever want to love the other person so much more than you love yourself that you lose yourself.



2. A trust-worthy friend.

That he/she will never want the worse (or rather, Not want the best), for you.
Be confident that he/she gives you the honest feedback that you need, not want, to hear.


If you don't have any, don't even contemplate a relationship.
I mean it.

I'm losing faith in people to be:
(i) smarter than I expect them to be,
(ii) nicer than I want them to be.

Am I offering too much benefits of the doubts even from what I've seen previously?
How much evil/harm/hurt is one capable of?
How much evil/harm/hurt must one be inflicted with before the awakening?

& who am I to judged really, when I:
(i) was once a victim for 6 looooong years, and even now still see shadows of the stupid person,
(ii) am not a participant of this entire event.


Disclaimer: Not implying anything, but for eyes of someone who understands that no matter how exasperated I sound, I stand by him.

.

I like experiences, even if through eyes and ears of others.
I value them even more if the said owners of the 5 senses are the wonderful people I cherish in life.

But, I think, with experience comes maturity and cynicism, hand in hand.

& in this second, I am thinking how do I gain the former while by-passing the other.

Simply because, I despise ignorance, yet is unable to let go of my optimistic nature - something I take joy and pride in.
Was supposed to countdown at Rach's place, end up I slept while they counted down since I was sick.

Like really sick, don't tell me, yea you were too.
I don't give a damn 'cause seriously, I was SICK.

So I slept.
& woke up at 2am to diarrhea non-stop till 3pm in the afternoon.
(It eventually stopped 'cause I've stopped taking in food, not that the digestive system stopped rioting.)

I subsequently went home to bless my toilet.

What a nice new year.
Hahahahaha.

But I was rather touched by the few who were there & were really concerned!
They kept checking on me through the night & ensured I was warm enough + whether my fever subsided.


.

You don't mark someone down for not being there, but rather, you alleviate positions of those there that the relative positions of those who aren't there dropped.
Yes?


. Newer Posts

By post:

1. Chapter 258:
2. Chapter 256:
3. Chapter 255:
4. Chapter 254:
5. Chapter 253:
6. Chapter 252:
7. Chapter 251:
8. Chapter 250:
9. Chapter 249:
10. Chapter 248:

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