Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Chapter 75:
at 21:45
Let's get stuff out of the system:
You know I always wonder, is it just my problem but somehow people who are close to me are always changing.
I mean sure, there's always the same few but there's always moments I feel closer to certain people & other times another few.
Then, I wonder: Am I incapable of forming deep connections?
Maybe, I'm just freaking scared of the future, of you knowing more about me & concluding that I'm eventually not worth your time.
Maybe.
& I wonder is there a book to guide me along in life?
I sure as hell need one now.
I need a skip card just like in an UNO game.
But life's all about experiencing & learning.
But sometimes it's just so torturous and a pain in the ass.
I think too much.
But is there a button that say, "STOP THINKING."?
Same for caring, same for hurting, same for crying.
I wonder, should I narrow my spectrum of emotions?
It sure seems like I can manage to display a wide range, & there are moments I will trade no more overwhelming sadness for less happiness in life.
I sometimes feel myself trying to grasp on to tranquility & peace, & yet a second later I'm flying across the room for spontaneity.
& again, the same thought: Am I unable to keep still? (not like motionless, but stay in a state, albeit it being active & lievely, but stay in that damn stage.)
& then, I think I'm getting too cynical & wary, but I don't know how to stop.
Then, I feel that if I had started out a piece of white paper, I'm currently grey, but I don't know how to bleach it back to it's original.
And, I just feel kinda exhausted, kinda exasperated, kinda hopeless.
But I am still able to smile & carry on with life.
& I get too easily despaired over the silence in between our conversations, friends who are supposed to be close to me.
And I blame myself for not trying hard enough.
Though there's moments I tell myself to not try 'cause I feel that you don't prioritise me.
Then I think whether it's karma, 'cause there's situations when I don't reciprocate love others had shown towards me.
And I want someone that's there for me and me him.
But now there's no one that's like that and I don't like anyone.
& I was telling myself that I am to increase depth and not breadth of life, so no boyfriends until I think I am ready.
But I feel so tired sometimes that I want to know that there's someone there.
However, this would mean I might not actually like that person, just that he's convenient.
He's not even appeared, so next topic.
(& yes, I don't like the guy already. )
And I want to restart some unhappy things in my life.
Like HCanoe, though I'm currently quite contented with everyone, but there's always room for improvements, and shadows to kill.
I also pray that one day I stop being so opinionated so as to be more accommodating to others. Thought I take pride in being able to form a firm stand.
I feel an urgent need to do meaningful things & spend quality time with people worth it, but what?
& I feel so lost that I'm sorry to say, it's an irony to call me myself 'cause there's no self.
Has it ever occurred to you, sometimes, just sometimes, when I say I love you, I just want you to say you love me too?
Sincerely.
Just like all the other times when I tell you that.
Because at such occasions, I can't help feeling a little incomplete.
.
Dear ex-(going home partner of bus 67), I miss you.
& I can't sense you.
Or rather, there's nothing left to sense.
Is there? Newer Posts
