Saturday, January 8, 2011
Chapter 197:
at 01:23
For the recent past days, I've been learning so much more about autism, kids affected w it, & really, simply more about myself.
I learn that I am indeed emotional when standing in the hall, on the first day of school, I felt like crying, simply because of the autistic children around me.
The heart tries its best not to ache at the mere sight of these beautiful children who will never get to experience life as I have and will.
& again this sour feeling invaded my heart today when I saw a mother crying at the foyer after her child left for his class while putting up a struggle and having a temper tantrum.
I learnt how patient I can be when I'm with them, and no, I am not at all patient with normal (neurotypical) children who have behavioral problems.
I learn how hard it is to stand my ground when the child I've grown attached to cry miserably.
I find it hard not to say "It's okay" & pats him on his head, and to do whatever he wants me to do when he stares at me with his eyes filled with tears.
& through this, I learn how love comes with rules because you want him to become better, yet it makes you miserable to even make him anxious for that few minutes.
And really, how much love I feel when he smiles at me.
(Even though I know he might not view me as a person but merely an object that brings him comfort, I am beyond happy that he finds meaning and happiness in me.)
.
Everyday it's such a learning journey that I look forward to lessons with them.
& to watch them complete little tasks, which means nothing to you and I, is such satisfaction to me.
Everybody says how nice it is for me to voluntarily work there, albeit with pay.
They have no idea how humbling this process is.
I held great expectation for this job, because it may in fact be a prelude to my future.
Guess what, it opens my eyes to so much more - what I can do to help them.
The struggles they face is so real that the efforts they make is so precious.
& the mistakes I make are so unassuming that it makes me think back and reflect.
And it's all these that makes me so contented.
.
& I salute parents who accept their child as who they are.
It's really a difficult journey, and I thank God such children are sent to them.
I may not know why they can't be born normal.
But rather than ponder why and be left perplexed without any answers, I am sorely tempted to commit myself to alleviate lives of such children.
But I do wonder, if my life means to help autism kids, what do their lives mean to them?
& what we are in fact doing, is helping them find meaning in OUR world, but really, are we using the power of the majority now?
(I'm merely thinking whether do they find meaning in their original culture because I do find that our efforts are required for them to be functional in OUR world.)
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Through it all, I can only say another dimension in life is opening up for me, and it's only 1 week with them.
I can't tell you how cute they are, and how innocent they are.
& I can't share with you the pain felt when they have temper tantrums - merely because they can't express what they want.
Never have I seen people so without malice and intention that they just took my heart away.
.
They are real.
& I feel immensely drawn towards them.
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